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The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

Started by Nowhere Man, March 19, 2018, 04:03:03 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Clownbaby

Quote from: Gregory Torso on March 20, 2019, 09:38:47 PM
Wizards. FUCK OFF WIZARDS.

I recently watched some of "Fantastic Beasts And How To Catch Them", flying back on a plane from China, and realised I never want to see wizards again. They're such fucking PRICKS.

It's not just that they have to use their shitty spells for everything. Going to the shop? Here's a little shopping bag with legs and a moustache that'll waddle along beside you and it'll probably split because  that would be funny. Buying an apple. Levitate it into the bag. One by one. Apple-in-baggus! Buying some toilet paper. Unravel it all over the fucking supermarket because your wands bent from shoving it up your pimply arse at night and crying "PROSTATE-MANIPULATUS". Ooh what a pallaver! I hope none of those filthy muggles see. I hope a swirling mass made of the shredded souls of dead orphans doesn't destroy the city because I didn't want to wipe my arse and tried to use a spewl.

Not just that - but everything's got to have a theme tune. Not a single frame of silence in wizard films. My magic hoover is doing the dusting POMPEE-DOMPEE-DIDDLY-DOO. Oh, one of my little duck mole things has escaped and is running around causing cock and ball havoc, WIDDLY-WANKY-BANKILY-DUMP. The fat man is in love with the pretty girl STRING SWELL FEELINGS NOW. DA DUM DA DUM THE WIZARDS IS FIGHTING

I've never seen Harry Potter but I imagine it's more or less the same.

Norton Canes

My god if he ever reads Terry Pratchett he will explode

Space ghost

from the internet dating thread

Quote from: billyandthecloneasaurus on March 20, 2019, 09:53:05 PM

The Jordan Peterson fan I travelled to London to meet and the girl who literally oinked at two police officers are dates I have no desire to repeat, but even those were learning experiences.

Quote from: machotrouts on March 21, 2019, 04:33:29 AM
Petition to rebrand political spectrum




paruses

These two posts really hit the spot - Thanks

Quote from: Soup Dogg on March 21, 2019, 01:34:24 PM
Something is wrong with that woman's dog


Quote from: Soup Dogg on March 21, 2019, 01:35:12 PM
I'm sorry hate me if you want but someone has to say it:



That dog is not normal.

Replies From View


Ray Travez

this page has got some corkers

from the same thread as the previous one-

Quote from: Norton Canes on March 21, 2019, 02:14:32 PM
Cracking jizz, Grommit.

Gregory Torso

DangledTeeth's contributions to the Upside Down Del thread. Top stuff from everyone, really.

the

Quote from: imitationleather on March 19, 2019, 08:07:14 PMHarry Redknapp shilling for GoDaddy in an ad where he sets up a company called Harry's Jam Roly Polys.

The ad ends with him putting his face in his freshly baked roly polys and going "'Triffic!"

This is Harry Redknapp, who famously has no sense of taste or smell.

Which means what he's referring to as "'Triffic!" is the sensation of heat hitting his face.

kittens

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 23, 2019, 11:16:11 AM
Cats had dey time
Dogs havin dey time
What animow next got dey time?

Amma say Ladysbird

fucking hell

kittens

pissed myself at this

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on March 23, 2019, 07:54:47 PM
Hi everyone. As most of you know by now, I sometimes suffer from anxiety and depression. My therapist has recommended that I take up a hobby to help me relax to aid my mindfulness and after a lot of thought, I've decided to shove a model locomotive right up my stupid fat arse. The problem is, I just can't decide which locomotive to use.

I'm not sure I can cope with the gape that would be caused by an 0 gauge model and an N gauge loco will barely touch the sides, so I've chosen to stick with the very common 00 gauge in the middle ground.

I've shortlisted five engines (plus a bonus choice) and would appreciate feedback from model railway enthusiasts and anal insertion fans alike. Thank you.

Option 1: Class 43



The classic diesel "High Speed Train" in iconic "InterCity Executive" livery. The aerodynamic front end will aid shoving it right up my stupid fat arse and the sleek sides and roof will prevent any snagging on the way in and back out again. The obvious choice, perhaps, but is it the right choice?

Option 2: Class 55 Deltic



Another iconic diesel, another iconic livery, the class 55 Deltic has spent decades hauling heavy freight up and down the main and branch lines of Britain. Now it has the chance to haul lumps of shit up and down my anal tract. I jest, of course. I'd clean myself thoroughly with a gentle douche before shoving any of these fine locomotives right up my stupid fat arse.

Option 3: Pullman Observation Car



I'll admit I'm cheating a bit here as this is a carriage rather than a powered locomotive unit, but I think you'll agree it's well worth adding to the shortlist. This observation car featured a fully staffed bar and huge windows to give post-war tourists a luxurious and enviable view of the Devon countryside. One can only imagine how they'd react to the luxurious and enviable view of my stupid fat arse as the Devon Belle is forcibly shoved right up it.

Option 4: Class 5700



A great little steam shunter from the glory years of Great Western, the iconic oblong saddle tanks allowed the storage of more water, allowing this versatile little loco to haul loads further than other similar sized engines of that vintage. What it lacks in size, it makes up for in complexity as the front of the model features a wide, square body, a funnel, buffers and a coupler which would likely causing significant painful bleeding if it were shoved right up my stupid fat arse.

Option 5: Class A4



The streamlined class A4 was steam's final hurrah. This example, The Mallard, is the most famous example, still holding the world record for the fastest steam-powered vehicle. A true icon of British engineering, what better tribute than to shove it at an astonishing 126 miles per hour, right up my stupid fat arse, resplendent in iconic LNER blue livery.

Wildcard Option: Hornby Clockwork



The self-powered entry point to railway modelling for so many British children, the timeless Hornby clockwork locomotive features a metal winding key and the switch on the top allows you to regulate speed and direction. The simple, unpainted plastic casing is very easy to wipe clean and the clockwork motor would allow this model to run whilst inside of me, something not possible with an electric-powered model. This loco takes me back to a more innocent time when a six year old me wouldn't have dreamed of shoving a model locomotive right up my stupid fat arse.

hummingofevil

If ever there was a post that needs the full Buzby reply treatment it is that one.

Ferris

From the thread on CBD oil

Quote from: José on March 21, 2019, 10:30:14 AM
you know that modern super skunk what would melt your grandpa's face off because in his day people were actually smoking bud shaped peices of wood painted green? you know the megaskunk they grew in secret warcrimes labs that would completely atomize anyone over fifty years old if they so much as looked at it?
the unspeakable spaceweed of the modern age that would evolve a caveman into a smooth hairless humanoid with a gigantic cranium who hovers four feet off the ground and speaks telepathically?

not the magazine clippings of pictures of weed your dad smoked mind you. i'm talking about the modern laserweed that'll zap your fingers and toes off leaving little wiggly charred stumps. the four dimensional hyperskunk that could kill your uncle gary dead even if his brain was transplanted into the body of a seven ton african elephant. just so we're clear here, i'm talking about the deadly futureweed send back in time to utterly couchlock john connor and prevent him from defeating skynet.

well it takes the edge off that stuff if you've smoked too much.

Emma Raducanu

Yep, came here to post that.

Sat in a cafe and nearly spat my tea out at the first paragraph, next to a couple discussing mortgage rates.

kittens


Ferris


AliasTheCat

From the Internet Dating thread:
Quote from: phes on March 24, 2019, 05:02:43 PM
So it's come to this. I am NOT looking for FUN. Do NOT message me if your not genuine. NO DICK PICS. I have three kids and I'm curvy so if you can't handle that then JOG ON. No druggies, smokers, if ur living with ur parents DO NOT MESSAGE ME. If u match and don't talk i will DELETE YOU in 48 hours. So sick of perverts and liers. I own a rabbit. Anything else just ask


Soup Dogg


hummingofevil

Quote from: Shit Good Nose on March 24, 2019, 09:29:04 PM
You can say he's crap, that's fine - I have no problem with anyone not liking his music, cos it's all subjective.  It's just the tax dodger/right-wing tory/anti-semite/mason/criticism for writing a song about homelessness/dumping his wife by fax bullshit that does my fucking nut in, because if people spent just a few minutes properly researching they'd quickly learn that none of it is true.

Also, for about the five millionth time (/exaggeration), I don't like Toto and never have done.  I just happen to quite like Africa, and think that Jeff Porcaro was an amazing drummer (which I think is indisputable).  The rest of the time I rag on them for using autotune live and for Bobby Kimball being the luckiest bad singer who ever lived.

Quote from: biggytitbo on March 24, 2019, 09:31:56 PM
What is Phil really like then, is he a right corker in reality?

Quote from: Shit Good Nose on March 24, 2019, 09:50:10 PM
He's a cunt.


Pancake

Had to leave the office momentarily at Blue Jams "Just a reminder that Cumlord exists:"

Don't know who Cumlord is and didn't click on the link, it's probably funnier free of context

The Lurker

Quote from: Captain Z on March 18, 2019, 11:25:09 PM
Finally I've made it. Only took 43 pages, not that I've been counting. Feel free to bird it.

We just didn't want to you get ideas above your station, that's all.

Twit 2

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 25, 2019, 07:05:06 PM
Don't ever underestimate the British mentality to "see things through", like a father trying vainly to locate a waterlogged campsite for a doomed family holiday.

Pancake

Someone here said something about their dad getting the snip so he could cum bareback into their mum, I lolled and think of it often



jobotic

Quote from: garnish on March 24, 2019, 04:31:14 PM
Did you ever walk past people in the street who stink of cum

Quote from: idunnosomename on March 24, 2019, 06:16:28 PM
Singin' do wah diddy diddy dam diddy dum

Brilliant

Kelvin

Quote from: Pancake on March 25, 2019, 08:40:09 PM
Someone here said something about their dad getting the snip so he could cum bareback into their mum, I lolled and think of it often

I think that was me.

Quote from: Kelvin on April 03, 2018, 01:25:25 AM
I hated it when my dad had a vasectomy while I was in my teens. It was the first time I realised my dad was that eager to cum bareback in my mum.

samadriel


Blue Jam

Quote from: Pancake on March 25, 2019, 04:49:35 PM
Had to leave the office momentarily at Blue Jams "Just a reminder that Cumlord exists:"

Don't know who Cumlord is and didn't click on the link, it's probably funnier free of context

SPOILER:

Somebody bought a dog and decided to name it "Cumlord".

As if that wasn't enough, Cumlord is a Pomeranian- ie, the most innocent and gormless-looking of all dog breeds.

Cumlord is one of Biggy's agents if ever there was one.