The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

[St_Eddie]

[to infect aside]

I stopped eating fruit a few years ago (except for the occasional raspberry) and I haven't looked back since. Best decision I've made in ages!

Everything about this is perfect.

[Replies From View]

Looks to me like Jay from RedLetterMedia.

[idunnosomename]

Looks to me like Jay from RedLetterMedia.

Ohh my goDDDDDDDD *digital zoom*

[Cerys]

I was browsing a second hand record shop in Tokyo one afternoon with a friend. Unbeknownst to me, my friend had amoved to another part of the shop and been replaced by a middle-aged salaryman who was stood next to me.

I then spotted this album in the racks ( https://www.discogs.com/U-Roy-Babylon-Kingdom-Must-Fall/master/415585), wheeled around towards the salaryman and hit him with a full cod-reggae dub prophet accented "Babylon Kingdom Mus' Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll" into his face.

He looked very bemused, then scuttled off to go back to the office and have a kip, maybe ruminating on whether Babylon's days, and thus his job, were really numbered.

Beautiful.

[Kelvin]

I was browsing a second hand record shop in Tokyo one afternoon with a friend. Unbeknownst to me, my friend had amoved to another part of the shop and been replaced by a middle-aged salaryman who was stood next to me.

I then spotted this album in the racks ( https://www.discogs.com/U-Roy-Babylon-Kingdom-Must-Fall/master/415585), wheeled around towards the salaryman and hit him with a full cod-reggae dub prophet accented "Babylon Kingdom Mus' Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll" into his face.

He looked very bemused, then scuttled off to go back to the office and have a kip, maybe ruminating on whether Babylon's days, and thus his job, were really numbered.

Beautiful.

One for the "Unusual moments with strangers" thread.

Or it would be if the shop attendant was a member of cab.

Edit: embarrassingly, this joke doesn't work as I now realise the post actually comes from that thread.

[kittens]

Beautiful.


One for the "Unusual moments with strangers" thread.

Or it would be if the shop attendant was a member of cab.

Edit: embarrassingly, this joke doesn't work as I now realise the post actually comes from that thread.

one for the last cab post to make you guffaw thread

edit: oh jesus

[samadriel]

From the 'terminally single' thread,

But you're a gayman. If anyone should know how attractive they are it's a gayman.

The smile! The context! Ah, that's a good one.

[Dr Syntax Head]

Beagle 2 in the old woman thread

She just needs a new challenge, maybe do a bit of Parkour on the weekends, or start up a Minecraft YouTube channel.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Carl takes his mum's 1995 1.2l Renault Clio around the Nurburgring with her urn in the passenger seat.

[Paul Calf]

Prince Charles starts having an absent minded memory wank about the time he chucked one up her out of The Three Degrees, somehow momentarily forgetting he is at his son's wedding. Everyone's trying not to notice him sitting on a church pew rhythmically admiring a choice fragment from his mind palace, the only palace he's ever felt at comfort in. At first it's just the slap slap slap of the wank itself and the television cameras can angle him out and Nicholas Witchell tries to gloss over it and goes "And there we can hear the adorable sound of little Prince George clapping with delight" but then Charles starts loudly crooning "When will one see you....agai-ai-ai-ain? Gorrrr, best bunk up of my bloody life, that was." and everyone knows they're going to have to tough this out until the inevitable crescendo. Not even the news can ignore it, the top headline on the BBC News website changes from "HARRY AND MEGHAN: THE BIG DAY LIVE" to "PRINCE CHARLES IS FUCKING HAVING A MASSIVE WANK".

What a punchline.

[paruses]

From the "Last Time Someone Swore At You" thread:

Why, only last night!

"Eat his cum out of my cunt, you small-dick, piece of shit cuck."

Lovely stuff.

[paruses]

Good day for me doing nothing and occasionally laughing while sat at my desk:

get off your phone in the cinema you entire holocaust

Am adding this one to my repertoire of disdain ("Absolute Valve" is the other thing on the list. Sad and glad that's not in more common use).

[Neville Chamberlain]

Haha, that madhair's a funny old fucker!

[Dex Sawash]

The other day my faithful hound Gizmo, whilst out on one of our usual neighbourhood jaunts, decided to engage a hulking great brute of a dog, consisting mostly of muscle and teeth, in a fight to the death. After running over and grabbing his harness, i was able to seperate the two thrashing maniacs and with the eventual help of the other dogs owner was able apologise and start to leave the scene.

Unfortunately, biting into my dogs leg and seeing him off wasnt enough for the Hound of the Baskervilles and he got loose from his owner and chased after us. I turned just in time to watch him running towards us and shit meself. Then it all went apeshit. I got it in the arm and hand before Giz clamped his jaws onto the other dogs face. I was doing everything to pull him off (oo-er) including trying to pull his jaws apart and getting the fingertips on my other hand chomped on. Neither dog would let go of their death-grip so it just went on and on. Blood Sweat Drool and Shouting. Two big dogs and two desperate owners rolling around the grass by the side of a major A-Road in the May sunshine.

After 5 minutes (?) a couple of locals appeared, one with a bucket of water to throw over us and one who was scared of dogs and wouldnt get too involved but kept insisting that "grabbing their bollocks" is the only way to stop them. So i did that.... i tried everything and eventually pulled mine off twice (oo-er again... now with ball action) but his dog was still clamped onto mines harness. Eventually all my weight ontop of my dog and another bucket of water directly to the face of the other seperated them and i could stand up and drag my dog away.

I was nearly blind with exhaustion - everything i could see was purple. Somehow we staggered home and I collapsed on the floor for ten minutes while the dog sat there looking all pleased with himself. Eventually my mind and body started returning to normal and i realised i'd lost my phone in the chaos!

I had a Moto G cos i'm not a big phone person and this could handle anything i wanted a phone for. The main thing is though i had a Virgin 7p Pay as you Go Sim card where very text and every minute cost only 7p. They've been trying to get me off this contract for a couple of years because £5 will last me a month or two (im not a big phone person!) so i was enjoying sticking it to them and staying on this tarriff.

So any recommendations for a similar SIM would be appreciated. Do they still do Moto-G's?

[non capisco]

("Absolute Valve" is the other thing on the list. Sad and glad that's not in more common use).

That reminded me of 'A Confederacy Of Dunces'. "My valve is screaming for appeasement!" is one of the funniest sentences in any artform, possibly second only to "I am the Great Cornholio, you will co-operate with my bunghole!"

[kittens]

really laughed at this. i miss karma

And now the props game.












"DURRHURR I DO IT AS A CHEESE GRATER."

[kittens]

hahah and this one from the HQ trivia thread

I had a go at this today on your recommendation (enjoy the extra life!). Managed to make £0.02 on a question about what animal the canary islands are named after. When the majority of people put birds (rather than the correct answer dogs) the host apologised and said there must have been an error and that they would have to be given an extra life as compensation. Having played HQ for a while prior to this I found the difference in production values extremely noticeable. Cash Show is like the Boko Haram to HQ's Isis.

[spamwangler]

yes, i remember reading war of the worlds as a boy and it had a bit about a priest running outside ejaculating. i assumed it was saying he'd been having a sneaky wank but was compelled to run outside to see the aliens or whatever and just came anyway.

[Ferris]

From the "pretend to be offended" thread, I was being nice to people just to see what would happen

oh FUCK OFF bueller you thick TWAT

That had me cackling.

[idunnosomename]

"Look, I've even got one of your pans"

"would have just made things worse"

[DistressedArea]

"Bullseye but Jim Bowen suspects all the contestants of being vampires."

[Sebastian Cobb]

"Look, I've even got one of your pans"

"would have just made things worse"

Not cab but this tweet expressing indignation at Oliver trying to ban 2 for 1 type deals on takeaway pizza cracked me up.

[Rocket Surgery]

Don't think I'm cut out for the hip-hop world tbh

[St_Eddie]

A quarter of an hour is a long time when you need a shit.

I once woke up with a massive Saturday hangover to find my (Chinese) landlord had got a couple of lads in to retile the bathroom who seemingly spoke no English. One coffee and a tab later and I was bursting for a shit that I knew would be like a flock of sparrows leaving a bush. Not really wanting to interrupt the lads with a game of charades where the winning guess was 'get out, I need a shit' I ended up having to drive quite quickly to Sainsburys. Nearly crashed my car.

Genuine chuckle over here.

[canadagoose]

I used to have a book by him called Starlust, which was about fans' fantasies about pop stars. There was one about copping off with Bruce Foxton in the school toilets which started with the mulletted Jam man saying: "There's nothing like a fucking good wank, is there?" I'm afraid this comes into my mind every time the subject of him or the band comes up.

Now that's all I'll think of when someone mentions The Jam.

[madhair60]

Until the day where it becomes not only right but moral to express your honest sentiments that "no one gives a fuck about your birthed gargoyle, so congratufuckinglations on all that cum you troved but fuck verily to Off" there will be NO justice in the UK.

[spamwangler]

Sorry what the fuck is happening in the first clip. Why does no one react to anything? Why does no one do anything? (Press the brakes, get out of the car, scream when someone dies horribly) It's like a dream.

The second one is similarly stupid and about as tense as a Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'em episode. And if Death is intervening to kill him, why is the important thing that kills him the spaghetti he threw out the window himself?

Look I know it's just shite but all this really annoys me

the lack of spagetti context and the rising anger that does it

[Uncle TechTip]

I heard a story a while ago about someone bringing in the ultra-sound images of their baby to show their enthralled colleagues. Someone took it upon themselves to laminate the image - so they would be better preserved. Unfortunately they were printed on the heat-sensitive paper they used to use for fax machines, so what emerged from the laminator was a completely black piece of paper encapsulated for all time, between thin clear plastic sheets.

[Johnny Yesno]

Guffawing here too.