The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

[Norton Canes]

I still remember how happy I was when they decided to open a new Aldi right up my arse. Saved me from having to make regular trips to the Tesco Express in my wife's cunt

I don't think there's a quote that more epitomises CaB.

[Sebastian Cobb]

ronalado like the TRUMP watch

the watch making man ask MISTEr trump "what you want on the sticks?" and mr trump maybe just say "trump"

"and what you want on the bigger stick for minutes?"

"trump trump" HE SPEAKS LIKE A POKEMON?

[popcorn]

Careful. You'll get told off like The Guardian.

When did the Guardian get told off?

[touchingcloth]

When did the Guardian get told off?

They had an interview with him where he was plugging the release of his memoirs, and they weren't forelock-tugging enough about his dead cunt kid, which I can never remember if that's the same cunt kid as the cunt kid they abandoned in a pub or a different cunt kid.

Absolutely fascinating interview with David Cameron in tomorrowtoday's Times here:

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/news/david-cameron-interview-boris-johnson-brexit-and-the-referendum-9gkxqghv9

found via this BBC story:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49690618

It's all to plug his upcoming memoirs but that doesn't make it any the less interesting.


Basically he beats himself up every single day for not selling Remain better, wished he'd thought to sell the Irish border problem more, thinks Boris is behaving very badly indeed, that Gove was his ex-bestie who sold him out, that the pair of them lied over Turkey and the £350m, and that he can't sleep at night.  Oh and that Priti Patel is a twat.

[kalowski]

When did the Guardian get told off?

I think The Guardian was right, to be honest

[Ambient Sheep]

When did the Guardian get told off?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49710874

Nothing to do with the Times interview.

It's amusing how badly written the revised version is; the whole tone and grammar of it changes really awkwardly.

[Gregory Torso]

Reach into the bag and fish out me wallet.
How will I know which one's yours?
It's the one with JIM BOWEN FAN CLUB MEMBER written on it, dick 'ead!

You got Jews hidden under floorboard?
Give over! Jews under floorboard, he says? You having that one?
Alright, then. Here, who remembers that Evel Kneivel toy?
*voice from under floorboard* Yeah, I got it for Christmas 1977. It were shite!

Oh, bollocks.
What's the matter?
Went over a speed bump and shot that black lad in back right in the head. There's mess everywhur.
*EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD BY TEARS FOR FEARS COMES ON THE RADIO*
1985!

Whole thread is great really, dickheads.

[Johnny Yesno]

In the Whatever happened to pick-up trucks? thread.

They got put down.

[Blue Jam]

snack is a animal like a corocodile but no legs

[idunnosomename]

took me a while actually

[madhair60]

Clinkyrink the Dancing Cunt

[madhair60]

"Fuck the shocking state of my lawn", Neddy explains at the neighbourhood watch meeting, not even knowing who he is anymore. "Property is theft."

Even a stopped clock, though

[Chollis]

Almond's took his tweet down now the dirty old bollocks

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

ALLLLMMMMOOOOOONNNNND

[Glebe]

Just reading through the Cap Two-Litar thread again:

It's the way he turns the phrase "Flora Oil" into a bizarre, Lovecraftian slurring.

[Cuellar]

Haha yeah that post jumped into my mind as I was watching those adverts again, had me creasing up at work

[jenna appleseed]

This thread
https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,75178.msg0.html

plus

And the man in the back said everyone attack
And it turned into a Poundland Ponce
And the girl in the corner said boy I want to warn you
It'll turn into a Poundland Ponce

Poundland Ponce

[Beagle 2]

James Cracknell. Rower, Tory*, cunt**. *sorry for the tautology **sorry for the tautology

[idunnosomename]

Can I just say after mere MINUTES making that post, I left the house (!) and went to Tesco, and in the foyer (they have a little speaker playing music there and nowhere else for some reason maybe for disaffected youth dispersal) they were playing that Sweet song. I haven't heard it in years. spooky!?

[grassbath]

I'm a noble crier, single tear down my cheek, like a native american looking at litter.

[canadagoose]

Belmont was tallest structure in the UK until cruel circumcision circa 2010 when the bell was removed.

That entire post is a thing of beauty, but the thought of that hulking great transmission tower having a fucking bell at the top of it made me burst out laughing.

[Glebe]

Haha yeah that post jumped into my mind as I was watching those adverts again, had me creasing up at work

Lots of uncontrollable chuckling from me re-reading that thread!

What's he saying at the start of the third one? It sounds like "Wiiiiiine, the great enemy!"

I don't think Special Brew will ever be so gloriously introduced ever again, he makes it actually sound special.

Also this, from an earlier thread featuring Two-Litar:

At 1:23, is he saying "Pricey ponces"?

[wosl]

Legend Gary gives a fish a fish bath.

[Flouncer]

From the Thomas Cook thread. This got a proper hearty belly laugh out of me.

I've not been able to read dear old Paulie Walnuts' comments, as I'm atroll protected.

[lankyguy95]

I don't recall anyone suggesting that the world's obese people should have a plague of locusts inflicted on them.

I'm suggesting that.

[jenna appleseed]

Mother believes she is being haunted by grandmother, who signifies her arrival to our earthly plane by the appearance of a feather. How'd a feather get in the garden then, she'd splutter, right in the middle of the patio, how'd that get there? In death, Grandmother is regarded as benevolent if mischievous, but in life was considered passive aggressive. We will see what the feathers do next.

[jenna appleseed]

A conversation with my mum last year saw her putting forward the notion of 'Muslim Camps' where people of that faith should all be systematically rounded up and questioned before being either released or retained.

My mum came up with the idea of Camp Muslims: "ooh, aloo ackbar, pet!" etc.

[kalowski]

I must say, when I first heard the news about Thomas Cook going bust I thought "Good! That nasty little man deserves all the ill fortune heading his way." It was only after a couple of minutes I realised I was thinking of Peter Sutcliffe.

[Johnny Yesno]

From the Thomas Cook thread. This got a proper hearty belly laugh out of me.

I don't think that's funny Atol.

[sponk]

Me neither. LJAMC's shite puns are really taking a toll on me