The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

[Isnt Anything]

A co-worker once told me about the time her young son asked what 'oral sex' was. They were in the car, and she didn't want to evade the question, so she basically described the act, with copious use of the word 'love'.

'Oh, so just a blowie', her son concluded.

_{I know im posting a lot in here lately but theyre all genuine so i guess im easily amused at the moment. or hysterical. or you funny fuckers are fed on sunshine or something.}

[marquis_de_sad]

Was just about to post one from that thread ('My 8 year old daughter learns her first swear word'):

Looking after my sister's 3 y.o. kid, he was playing with one of those shape sorters, pushing the blocks through, mumbling under his breath "get in you bastard"

[manticore]

Gosh there's lots of good stuff in there. There's something about this I particularly like:

6yr old daughter knows all the swears but the other day we were stunned by Christ The Redeemer! until she explained they'd been learning about Rio at school. Me and the missus now use that one all the time.

[Isnt Anything]

Was just about to post one from that thread ('My 8 year old daughter learns her first swear word'):

Looking after my sister's 3 y.o. kid, he was playing with one of those shape sorters, pushing the blocks through, mumbling under his breath "get in you bastard"

Yes i liked that one a lot too :) but didnt quite make me reach the bar for this thread.

[up_the_hampipe]

as a wee lad i called my dad a "nonce" because i'd heard it on the sweeney so he smashed my ribs in (like on the sweeney.)

[machotrouts]

Had a birthday party for the 5 year old Q Jr.

Mother comes to the door to drop off her 5 year old.

"I've been farting all day," he declares as he steps across the threshold. "I'm going to fart in here too."

Yes this, above all posts, is what inspired me to finally start posting in the GUFFAW thread

[bgmnts]

nah, i've been squatting in this romanian castle for over 400 years now. when bailiffs show up with their fat delicious necks i couldn't be happier.

[St_Eddie]

The last post which made me GUFFAW was your post.  Yes, yours.

[Ferris]

I had a poltergheist once and it was gullible as fuck. "Oh please don't take my lawn mower out of the shed and cut my beautiful unkempt lawn grass!"
"Oh, these dishes in the sink, I like them there, it would be a disaster if they got moved into the cupboards in neat piles"
"I hope I never find the missing piece of this jigsaw"
Idiot.
It did the housework for ages until I accidentally exorcised it when I spilt a bottle of Tizer and said a Jesus word.

[Osmium]

Sitting on boards of banks,moving to Saudi to exploit the locals...

Otis Redding scraps first draft etc

A wee gem nestled between a lot of miserable back and forth shite.

[biggytitbo]

Haha I love that.

[Johnny Yesno]

More Pijly goodness:

ants won't fly. flying ant is a fly, and normal human ant is as a ground fly. it is why they are different things, but you hadn't realised. go to a bookshop, it is all their. imadine not knowing what flies was and you say an ant. a jungle explorer with his magnetising glass found it out many years ago, and it is sad you did not learn it

[Sebastian Cobb]

coming home from school one day to excitedly tell mum and stepdad about the new game his friends had created at lunchtime - Queer Cunt On The Lawn

[Fisher Goes Berserk]

Reading Legend Gary from the beginning. It's all good but this one is special.

MY POWER

MY PLEASURE

MY PAIN

The rest of Waterstones stops to look at him stood in the doorway.




BABYYYYYYY

[asids]

Being mixed-race, I don't tend to find skin colour especially funny.

Then you'll love the James Corden reboot of Curry & Chips.

[Jockice]

The last post which made me GUFFAW was your post.  Yes, yours.

No. It was mine.

[St_Eddie]

No. It was mine.

Yes.  Yes it was.

[QDRPHNC]

I picked up an old Skoda once for £250 and sold the plate for £300 so I won't have a bad word said against the bellend who bought it

[St_Eddie]

Every time that I enter this thread, I leave it sorely disappointed.  You can judge me if you'd care to but face facts; you know that you're the same as I, for like myself, you're a narcissistic arsehole.

[Bison]

I've become a very notorious figure in Pokémon too, and am essentially being bullied and harassed a lot, even got assaulted and stalked and had to go to the police.

Team Rocket at it again.

a guilty laugh but it still counts

[St_Eddie]

a guilty laugh but it still counts

Ah, yes.  That was a good one.

[non capisco]

I think this post by Gregory Torso on Oscillations about a Frank Sinatra album is chock a block with slammingly good prose and it'll be a shame if people missed out on it because it's about some shoobie doobie doo album from the olden days that they have no interest in listening to. I have no shame about blowing smoke up Greg Torso's aris, his posts are routinely knockout.

First up, let me get something straight out of the gate, I don't give a fuck about Frank, ol' blue balls, ol' cigarette eyes, the velvet thug. I don't like things that "swing" or are "easy", and there's a lot of residual 90s revival bullshit that clings to this type of music like smoke off a damp bonfire. Guys with jackets draped over their shoulders trying to walk like John Travolta.

But this record, this got me through some times. Really low down gutter times.

Fuck reissued, remastered, polished expanded editions. You need to find this record in a cavernous warehouse of discontinued telephones and mirrors, between teetering stacks of rotting settees. Find it down the back of a feral sofa, or in a skip, or down in the drains, dust it off, wipe the sludge from its jacket and be ready for a soul-cleansing.

Here is how to listen to Frank Sinatra -

IN PAIN

pain like a mafioso head honcho just stole your best girl and even though you're the number one biggest name in showbiz there's fuck all you can do about it.

Look at this cover, look at this shit. Frank looks like a ghost hood, his hat is transparent, he's loving it, floating through a washed-out crowd of cardboard dancers.

Imagine knocking that up and taking it to Frank and he says "Yeah, baby, that's the good stuff, me looking like a dead gangster absolutely loving being a ghost and haunting this ballroom full of vague people. Sweet"



Listen to Frank through a blear of unwanted early morning sunshine as your guts roll with cheap gin, and you look at pictures of your ex girl through the fractured fat shapes of the bottles.
Listen to Frank in an empty bath staring for hours at the crack in the ceiling to see if it gets bigger or if the whole plastery fuck just caves in on you
Listen to Frank as you puke into your broken toilet begging god to stop cramming his fingers down your throat.

Some highlights,

"Night And Day" - the name of a 24hr shop in Leeds that I once walked to barefoot at 3 in the morning to buy 10 lambert & butler and a copy of Asian Babes, easily the most dangerous thing I've ever done.

"I Wish I Were In Love Again" - a song about wanking. Check out this lyric: "When love congeals it soon reveals the faint aroma of performing seals". That is about the smell of cum.

"I Got Plenty Of Nuttin" - oh Frank you naughty boy, you mean you've done plenty of nutting. You've been stirring your spoon in another man's soup you dirty little dog and now you've got to do 50 nights in a row at some mafia-fronted fake club called The Magenta Lady's Knickers if you value your legs.

"Stars Fell On Alabama" - beautiful song, "my heart beat like a hammer, the iron bar cracked the stool pigeon's skull, and tyre irons fractured snitches last night"

"I Won't Dance" - Scrambled Frank on a bed of love lettuce.

Frank is coming to buy you a drink that you are not allowed to look at while he mixes it.

Frank is coming to live inside your bones and whisper into the acoustic curve of your inner skull "i got no body, i got no mind, i got no misery"

Frank is coming to bury you under his jaguars.

Frank says raise the portcullis I'm a-comin' aboard.

[chveik]

^ That's fantastic!

[hedgehog90]

^^ Wow!

[Twit 2]

Good post. He's been comfortably the best poster on these boards for a while. He's like doomy/Castro but posts every day as presumably his life's gone wrong.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Attila made me laugh in the Ice Hole thread with this:

Random passersby's experience walking down a corridor at the lecturer's block here...tum te tum...



Oh! A nice greyy kitty



Wanna see better, lemme get out the prescription glasses here and

[Rocket Surgery]

Believe me, I like a bit of Pijlstaart as much as anyone else does, but why/how could someone kid themselves that ziggy starbucks isn't running away with this particular trophy?

I've been growing my hair since January and it's very much in the awkward middle phase.

[Johnny Yesno]

Why? What's funny about reposting the same image?




































;-p

[Golden E. Pump]

The fact that my face made this thread is concerning.

[Rocket Surgery]

Still at it:

Perhaps I'm just easily pleased but I'm fucking suffocating over here.