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The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

Started by Nowhere Man, March 19, 2018, 04:03:03 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

MoonDust

Just a minute ago. Mental memories thread.

Quote from: :( on November 16, 2018, 05:00:46 PM
My mate simultaneously shitting himself and puking into a pint glass.

wosl

Best seen in situ for the full effect (the response to Checkout's 'Jesus' line only properly packs a punch in context), but this bit of spun-out loveliness from Blodders:

Quote from: BlodwynPig on November 13, 2018, 05:50:54 PM
Here's Lesley Joseph with ABBA


Quote from: BlodwynPig on November 13, 2018, 06:22:15 PM
Quote from: checkoutgirl on November 13, 2018, 06:14:27 PM
Was the guy on the left in Bucks Fizz?

ABBA, mate.

Quote from: BlodwynPig on November 13, 2018, 06:22:15 PM
Quote from: checkoutgirl on November 13, 2018, 06:16:07 PM[Jesus] was a carpenter for ages.

ABBA

Like a pub debater entrenching his assertions to such a degree that he doesn't spot the boundary ropes, causing him to topple into the path of a different discussion going on at another part of the table.


non capisco

Duke DeMondo on The Beatles' "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

QuoteThe one track that I find myself skipping almost every time is "While My Guitar Gently Weeps."

I know, I know. It's gorgeous, but. It is. It's dramatic. Compelling. Beautiful. It's all of that. But it's a bit of fucking wanker, like, too. It's called "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" for fuck sake, and he says that over and over the whole way through. "While my guitar gently weeeeeps..."

Imagine if someone down the open mic told you they'd written a song called "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." You'd fall to your knees with the tears tripping you. "While your guitar gently weeps! Hahaha Jesus Christ!" That's the sort of thing you'd roar up at them.

And later

QuoteWould it be as awful if he was talking about some other instrument of his that was weeping? I don't know. If his marimba was weeping would I have such an issue with it? We'll never be able to tell.

"If his marimba was weeping" completely finished me. Bloke's a wordsmith.

Gregory Torso

Quote from: Glebe on November 17, 2018, 09:31:17 AM
Hird once sent Carry On's Peter Butterworth a dirty bomb. Butterworth's wife called the police, and Hird was apprehended in Calais. On her person were a false passport, 200 francs and the address of a safe house in Lyon. One young officer described Hird as "rabid, with a false, untrustworthy face, and the stringent cruelty of a mad butcher." Within hours she was back in Britain, and up before the beak within days. The judge called her "a very foul animal" and gave her a suspended sentence of one month plus two hours community service at Sid's tea shop, not the one in Only Fools and Horses that is a cafe, but the tea shop in Last of the Summer Wine were the three rapscallion leads set world to rights over a cuppa after another rambling adventure!

"the stringent cruelty of a mad butcher", what a great line.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Twit 2 on November 10, 2018, 08:49:26 PM
It bears repeating that GT is one magnificent bastard. I just cried with laughter reading this to my mate:

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the yeast of times. It was the turds of times. Simon Bollocks, a decrepit, wretched, foetid, etchasketched binman from St Annes had just finished cumming on pictures of every Doctor Who (except for the woman one) and it was time to die alone naked with wasps shooting out of his quivering paedo member. s*****c anus quivering in dusty living ground mist AIDs he watched breakfast TV alone the fucking idiot. Septic nonce.
He rammed a Twix into his face-cunt and drank a Fray Bentos energy drink and then he walked out into the quivering Brookside morning. Simon, hostile little skeleton, bones clattering like pro-brexit dice, arseholes in his pockets, a worm, a nematode, a bruise on a child's face, a poo, an unenthusiastic woo-hoo, a toothsome bollock, ate four Lion bars and tweaked his nubbin through his boilersuit. The wind slappy-slapped his mauve face and all the birds looked at him going, "what a prick". He looked at a faded picture of his dead absolutely shit head family, and scotch eggs, and stepped out in front of a bus.
His head abandoned his body just like dad did, his arms flew up and got stuck in some cables, his legs turned into a swastika and flew into a nearby synagogue, his anus plopped right on to the ring finger of a homeless woman at the bus stop who was smoking a grasshoppers leg and she said "I do".
Poor old bollocks, poor old sperm and eggs, binman, lorryload of fuck all, smashed. Guts and lard and guts.

Bloody hell. That is amazing. His head abandoned his body just like his dad did.

Twit 2


buttgammon

Quote from: Bazooka on November 17, 2018, 11:53:18 AM
An ant sits poised on a dusty sideboard watching You've Been Framed on a CRT TV, it only laughs at the cats falling into fish tanks as it decays.

Really tickled me!

Johnny Yesno

Pijlstaart's thoughts on western men desiring foreign women:

Quote from: Pijlstaart on November 17, 2018, 11:21:09 AM
It is laziness, I think. Father likes foreign women, that way he can fill the time between fannock pressing by explaining simple concepts. "In England, our pies are full of meat. Not how you do it." he might say, mime-biting into a mime-pie. "Oh", they'll feign shock "You must be very clever", and he'll sweat profusely and rub his knees. You need to be well-rounded to date a local, an interesting person, which is very trying. To each their own, I love black rice pudding, but no-one will make it for me, so I just eat dry millet from a bag next to my bed. Many reasons to marry outside love. Caught an acquaintance of mine masturbating to a racist effigy of his dead wife, but that is part of the grieving process for many.

mothman

Quote from: Sherman Krank on November 17, 2018, 02:26:15 PM
MAAAAAAAAAY-OH!








MAAAAAAAAAY-OH!










May!






Dizzy May
Dizzy May
Dizzy May
Dizzy May
Dizzy Maaaaay-oh......






Brexit come and your future gets sold





Davis sat all night drinking whiskey and rum
(Brexit come and your future gets sold)

He was pissed as a fart when the meetings come
(Brexit come and your future gets sold)




Come Mr Boris man, bring us bent bananas
(Brexit come and your future gets sold)

Trumpcare for the many, you'd get better care from Hamas
(Brexit come and your future gets sold)




Lie six times, seven times, eight times now
(Brexit come and your future gets sold)

Lie 'til they believe it you deceitful old cow
(May's a clown and her bullshit's got old)




Come Mr Boris man, bring us bent bananas
(Brexit come and your future gets sold)

Where has all the money gone, it's off to the Bahamas
(Brexit come and your future gets sold)



May


Dizzy May
Dizzy May
Dizzy May
Dizzy May
Dizzy Maaaaay-oh......


Brexit come and it's the fault of the old

"Trumpcare for the many, you'd get better care from Hamas"

pancreas


Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Brundle- Fly's post in the Mental Memories thread about sleepwalking out of his student dorms. Fucling hilarious stuff.


Twit 2

Quote from: Gregory Torso on November 18, 2018, 10:30:10 AM
A boy who is constantly on fire tries to get in a swimming pool but a lifeguard hauls him out on a shepherds crook and flings him down a corridor like a dead bat.

Vodka Margarine

Quote from: sick as a pike on November 19, 2018, 12:08:45 PM
A while back I was talking to a (now dry) alcoholic- he was telling me about his lowest period which amongst other things involved him mainly lying in bed, drunk, and urinating into cider bottles. Because he'd be either drunk or hungover there was a lot of pissy mess. Until one day he took a good look at himself and decided he needed to do something to turn his life around... "So I went out and bought a funnel."

canadagoose

Quote from: kittens on November 20, 2018, 12:48:53 AM
was walking down the street the other day, right, we all do it, walking down the street, don't we? shopping, you know, or just walking down the street, anyway i was walking down the street a couple of days ago in BRISTOL! hah that always gets a cheer, no matter where you are, someone always cheers for bristol- there they go again! one too many ciders, eh madam, no, only joking, i was walking down the street a few days ago right, monday, feeling the monday blues, sure, and as i was walking down the street i see they've opened a new shop, brand new shop in the centre of bristol, and ladies and gentlemen i look up at the sign above the shop and i couldn't believe my eyes. i couldn't believe the name of this shop. couldn't believe it, right in the centre of bristol they've opened this new shop, i couldn't believe it's name. you'll have to trust me on this but this is what it was literally called. so i'm on the street in bristol and i see this shop literally called - literally, it's literally called this and no word of a lie - this shop was literally called, and i'm not exaggerating or making anything up, this new shop, brand new shop in the centre of town was literally called 'cold diarrhea and AIDS juice for sale here'

Shoulders?-Stomach!


New Jack


SteveDave

Quote from: Replies From View on November 18, 2018, 12:10:25 AM
Have a large upside-down clay plant pot on the table in front of you throughout your speech.  At the end of your speech, lift the plant pot up to reveal that the tablecloth has been on fire the entire time to the extent that it can't now ever be extinguished.

Then scream "LOVE IS LIKE A BURNING TABLECLOTH" and run away, farting on everyone on your way out so that the fire spreads to them more quickly.

I turned the guffaw into a coughing fit

Bad Ambassador



BlodwynPig



Jerzy Bondov

I don't know why I'm rummaging around in ancient threads but here is a classic post from icehaven on the film Sliding Doors:
QuoteFor years, it's been a source of distracting consternation for me, that whoever wrote that film, and at least a few of the significant people involved in its production, appear to either actually believe, or for some reason not widely object to, the notion that a man that screeched Monty Python impressions in that way, so loudly, at a table of posh smug people in an expensive cafe, would a)be allowed to be anywhere near that table in the first place. b) have posh smug friends c) have any friends over the age of 21 who didn't have food stuck in their long beards, and d) be within 60ft of women that they weren't paying. And then there's the fact that they're all creased with laughter as if it and he are the funniest fucking things they've ever encountered! He's so hilarious and witty! No wonder he's so popular! Classy types just love a Monty Python impersonation at 5000 decibels with their fucking canapes! It's the writer's fantasy, and one which I can only presume and hope was borne out of a real incident bitterly embarassing in its difference to the one in the film.
Still gets me.

Crabwalk

From the 'Game Bargains' thread:

Quote from: Queneau on November 23, 2018, 11:55:14 AM
Got a really old version of board game Risk in a charity shop for £2.99 the other day. The only downside, of course, is that some of that money will go to helping something or someone. I like to think the plotting and planning of world domination outweighs it.

That second line floored me.


Stoneage Dinosaurs

Quote from: Gregory Torso on November 23, 2018, 06:30:34 PM
Whenever we had to sing this in school, my mate Darren would piss himself laughing because he thought a pilgrim was a kind of bird. What a thick bastard. That's why he got on the skag when he was 15.

Thomas

In the live-action Lion King thread -

Quote from: Swoz_MK on November 26, 2018, 05:03:16 PM
Just do Robin Hood so I can have a good fucking look at that fat chicken's tits

Lemming

Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on November 26, 2018, 03:48:53 PM
Cable has tweeted that he wants to debate May and Corbyn.

Quote from: biggytitbo on November 26, 2018, 04:10:56 PM
That's a bit like some bloke in the audience demanding he gets to play Jimmy White in the world snooker final.

MoonDust