The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

[chveik]

Too expensive. Can fuck a wetsuit filled with warm tapioca, stick a furby in the neckhole for eye contact and intimacy. Much cheaper, and  you won't have to hide your shame from the neighbours as furbies, wetsuits and tapioca are all normal things to have, wholesome even, godly.

[Glebe]

i have told this before, and it doesn't involve so it's cheating. My uncle when at school brought a classmate home for tea one day, the classmate being Geoff Capes. My grandmoher, when recalling this, called GC "an unpleasant child". She wasn't that pleasant herself.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Why does Keith Chegwin need a horoscope ? Isn't he dead ?

He is now, yes. But who knows what the future may hold?

[paruses]

In reply to the remark that  Snoop Dogg is a big fan of Keeping Up Appearences:

He's a huge Coronation Street fan too. Or as he probably calls it, Coronizzle Strizzle.

[MoonDust]

A desperate shaman drinks two liters of magic mushroom chomping yak's piss. His vision of Bez from the Happy Mondays searching for a lost lottery ticket fails to impress the tribal elders.

[Ambient Sheep]

Right, then. There you are in the middle of a rocky desert scenario. You've just come out of hospital after your latest six month stint in intensive care . You're beginning to think that the ACME Supplies company is not to be completely trusted. Nonetheless, you've purchased another Road Runner Trapping Device, got it all rigged up, and you've got your binoculars trained on the bowl of sumptious seed you've put in the middle of the road, with the sign saying FREE BIRDSEED, YOU CUNT and an arrow pointing down to it...

Funnier in the context of the whole lengthy post when you already KNOW what the punchline's going to be, but the gratuitous "YOU CUNT" just slayed me. :-)

[Pseudopath]

The biggest mystery, of course, is why a Polish man is called "Donald Tusk".

'Tusk' is Polish for 'Duck'.

A much-needed ray of sunshine in an increasingly-depressing thread.

[lankyguy95]

From the 'A problem with stand up' thread.

for sure this is serious. start of motor neurone diseuse? IS POSSIBLE

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Haha

[Lemming]

I watch most stuff with VLC media player and it has a playback speed setting that can be changed incrementally, so when I'm watching a lot of horror movies as part of my annual October Halloween marathon I sometimes speed the more boring ones up. I also occasionally watch episodes of Home Improvement 45% slower if I'm not feeling prepared to deal with anything more intense than that.

[Bhazor]

I also occasionally watch episodes of Home Improvement 45% slower if I'm not feeling prepared to deal with anything more intense than that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNOs1GZ3AsU

[studpuppet]

From the Things You've Just Realised thread:

The lesson to take away from the potato story is not to store them above head height.

[Rocket Surgery]

Few days late for this, but:

There are so many basic factual errors in that piece beyond just that one. You'd think Quantick would know a bit better than that.

you would?

In his younger days, maybe, when he had a bit more hair. He wasn't a bad looking feller.

[Kelvin]

Replies From View's legal analysis of Brexit:

They'll probably name one or both Cox and Lidlington.

Why can't they name May?

Because legally in these situations you have to have a vague sense in your mind that the surname is a kind of apple, and this is definitely not the case with May.

[BlodwynPig]

Replies From View's legal analysis of Brexit:

that laugh was quickly cut short though.

[Kelvin]

that laugh was quickly cut short though.

Replies clearly states that the law values "a vague sense in your mind", as opposed to hard facts.

As all good laws should.

[BlodwynPig]

Replies clearly states that the law values "a vague sense in your mind", as opposed to hard facts.

As all good laws should.

There's the rub.

[gib]

I had a vague sense in my mind that there was such a thing as a mayapple.

[BlodwynPig]

I had a vague sense in my mind that there was such a thing as a mayapple.

There's the shrub

[marquis_de_sad]

I had a vague sense in my mind that there was such a thing as the mayan people.

FTFY

[St_Eddie]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNOs1GZ3AsU

This genuinely belongs in the Tate Modern.

[PlanktonSideburns]

This genuinely belongs in the Tate Modern.

14:24 being the absolute best of it

[mothman]

on the plus side this means more quality time spent with your loved ones.

Yeah but on the other hand, it means spending more quality time with your loved ones.

Good to have St. Eddie back.

[Twed]

Presumably he's been away contributing jokes to Red Dwarf.

[St_Eddie]

Good to have St. Eddie back.

Having only just returned, I've somehow managed to elicit a laugh from someone.

I've already peaked.  It can only be downhill from here...

Presumably he's been away contributing jokes to Red Dwarf.

...See!

[Cerys]

Good to have St. Eddie back.

Damn right!

[king_tubby]

Zip fly nob flop jam nitty gritty

[Cuellar]

What a deeply unpleasant little man you are.

Especially in the context.

[Huxleys Babkins]

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,70565.0.html

The aggressive tone running through the whole thread has tickled me something rotten.

[Pseudopath]

"There's a beast in every man and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand HOO HAH HOO HAH" - Sword boy strong: Hard men man men. Do not press us, female, you know not the horrors that lurk within, HUUUWARGH. Tread careful, harlot, oh titted nuisance, lest you awaken a great and terrible thing. BOO-RAARGH. You dare unshackle me!? I'll stay up past my bedtime, far past it, watching daddy's VHS of old eurotrash episodes. Digestives eaten without a plate, the crumbs shall blot out the sky, and nothing shall grow from the ground on which they fall.  My face unwashed, plastered in a twisted war-mask of snot, crumbs and smeared chocolate, the flannel bone dry, dry as your shrivelled cunt, vile harridan, I shall not wash my face with it UGGHHH--ARGGHH-MAAGGHH.

Pijlstaart for Poet Laureate, please.