Author Topic: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread  (Read 136529 times)

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #990 on: January 09, 2019, 01:05:16 PM »
The orgy thread is a mine of entertainment but some early posts from twed really inflamed my funny bone for some reason.

Funny, but would have been funnier if it was "arse" instead of "ass".

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #991 on: January 09, 2019, 03:19:43 PM »
I definitely gave my horse a couple of absolute hay-makers before I got the controls down

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Re: android dating apps pakistan
« Reply #992 on: January 09, 2019, 04:41:49 PM »
parkinson dating sites
Do I get a free Parker Pen just for enquiring?

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #993 on: January 09, 2019, 05:14:26 PM »
My first mention in this thread I think. Result!

SteveDave

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pancreas

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #996 on: January 10, 2019, 11:41:13 PM »
A piece of erotic Ken Hom fan fiction wins the Nobel Prize

Glorious contribution to the desolation thread.

chveik

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #997 on: January 11, 2019, 04:30:32 AM »
What are we to do? The best song ever was recorded by the worst man ever. We need a good cover version by someone who isn't evil. I've put Ignition Remix into Spotify and listened to a load of the covers. It's a mixed bag, to be honest.

First, there are loads of a capella covers. Not acceptable. Say what you like about R Kelly but at least he’s not in an a capella group. Here are some others:

Tay Watts
Try-hard vocal fails to capture the effortless cool that can only be provided by a man who runs a paedophile ring. Sounds like it could be on the credits of the sort of film my wife wants me to watch. I looked this bloke up and it turns out he's fell in the sea and died.

Landon Austin
No good. He sounds amused with himself. Ho ho look at me covering Ignition (Remix) and then he starts changing the words and rapping. Listen mate, you might think you can come up with better lyrics than an evil paedo, but you can’t. Then he adds Daft Punk lyrics as well. Doesn’t even make an attempt at the crucial ‘Cristal popping’ verse. Fucking dog shit.

Brite Futures
I quite like this one. Quite faithful although the vocals lose their way a bit with the falsetto. Bit of a low-fi chiptune feel which softens the (in retrospect uncomfortable) opulence of R Kelly’s luxurious child sex mansion vibe. Will do in a pinch.

Zeus
This is a nice version. Feels a bit lower in tempo but has a very smooth vibe and the vocal is great. It's a bit sparse compared to the original, but I like it.

Todd Beasley
What the hell is this, it’s some bloke singing Ignition (Remix) down the phone. Can you just upload anything to Spotify now?

Derik
This is alright I suppose. Wears out its welcome fairly quickly and it’s not constructed with the level of attention to detail that one associates with R Kelly. That’s the main thing you associate with him, probably. That and being a rapist.

Finally I remembered seeing this version on the AV Club ages ago:

Young the Giant
Very nice cover, captures the smooth vibe and nails the crucial ‘Cristal popping’ verse. I really like the way he hits the ‘after the show’ lyric. I do not appreciate the swear word however. R Kelly for all his faults is decent enough to censor the f word.

Tired now. Any more contenders out there? Or should we just learn to live without the music of R Kelly?

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #998 on: January 11, 2019, 03:42:32 PM »
"Calvo.... CALVO!!!" screamed at me in Spain by a guy driving past on a scooter



*Calvo is Spanish for bald, or bald cunt

It's the detail of that little pause, followed by the louder yell.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #999 on: January 11, 2019, 04:50:34 PM »
I like to think the first one just meant bald but the second one was escalated to bald cunt.

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1000 on: January 11, 2019, 05:10:17 PM »
I like to think the first one just meant bald but the second one was escalated to bald cunt.

If you say it three times to somebody it means their scalp line is lower than the top of their actual skull.

BlodwynPig

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1001 on: January 11, 2019, 05:30:31 PM »
My first mention in this thread I think. Result!

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1002 on: January 11, 2019, 08:32:15 PM »
would you like to work for Gaping Britain?
Could you please provide more info

kalowski

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1003 on: January 11, 2019, 08:40:04 PM »
Warnock.

If you've read it you'll know what I mean.

Maurice Yeatman

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1004 on: January 11, 2019, 11:23:45 PM »
All my posts are made using voice wreck a Nissan soft, where?

... in the Verify you're a man in his forties masturbating to 19-year-old women thread.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1005 on: January 12, 2019, 02:05:03 AM »
What strikes me as sad is that Stanley Kubrick went to the trouble of having his name be an anagram of 'Ask bulky cretin', and yet no-one ever did. What agony that secret must have been.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1006 on: January 13, 2019, 11:18:06 AM »
All my posts are made using voice wreck a Nissan soft, where?

Was coming here to post the above.

Then laughed at this:

... in the Verify you're a man in his forties masturbating to 19-year-old women thread.

Result. Today cannot get better.

Sin Agog

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1007 on: January 13, 2019, 01:21:54 PM »
Yeah, it's annoying when the quote quoting you is more quotable than the quote quoted.

By the way, they assured me they were all 18.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1008 on: January 14, 2019, 02:05:10 AM »
Jerzy Bondov on Brexit; the Uncivil War

Quote
Feels a bit too soon to me. Like someone's done a massive shit on my bed and I'm still washing the sheets when I'm told a balding Benedict Cumberbatch is starring in a drama about doing a massive shit on my bed.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1009 on: January 14, 2019, 08:13:29 AM »
Australians wouldn't give a Forex for anything else.

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1010 on: January 14, 2019, 04:10:10 PM »
Quote from: Maurice Yeatman on Today at 01:46:50 AM

If I click that link I get "The topic or board you are looking for appears to be either missing or off limits to you".

Has the thread been deleted? Or are you lot all having shits and giggles in a secret forum?

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1011 on: January 14, 2019, 04:27:50 PM »
Probably deleted, think it was one of them spam bot threads

Lordofthefiles

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1012 on: January 14, 2019, 06:46:50 PM »
Martin's got loads of little nuggets of shit stuck to his arse pubes again

SteveDave

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1013 on: January 15, 2019, 11:44:52 AM »
All of this thread but mostly Twed's comments:

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,71198.0.html

I'd position the stupid bastard three feet ahead of me and instruct it to run, because if I catch up to it I'm going to put it in a spider's web.

Probably just relentlessly tweak the little prick's nipples with chopsticks. Put a clothes peg on his head and see if it bursts. Dress him up like a little gladiator, tell him he's going to fight the cat and then immediately stamp on him.

I'd be really nice to little me but constantly sing a song about a tiny corpse that looks exactly like me to unnerve it.

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1014 on: January 15, 2019, 11:32:07 PM »
Quote
I hadn't laughed for months, not even cracked a smile. I had become a miserable, anhedonic, moody fucker and then John Pienaar came into my life.

It's not just that his name sounds like "peenar" (although that is very funny and totally fine to laugh about), or that when he starts growling about "a deep Tory split" his moustache ripples like a squadron of born-again Christian moths.

So cheeky, I think alone in my cold house, laughing and laughing for the first time in so long, for the joy of the sound of it.

I picture him lighting a tab with the filter ripped off, his fierce eyes burning holes through all the Brexit, he's stolen a pen off Fiona Bruce's desk, and there are egg stains on his lapel. Lighting his cigarette with the finesse of a trained sealion high-fiving its keeper for a bucket of sardines.

Yeah, my name's Penar. Yeah, I look a bit walrus. I wear that shit out. You want some of this AUTHORITY. want a HARD BREXIT. a BACKSTOP, i'll give you a back stop.

You want these strong arms around you at night as the country collapses.



the

Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1015 on: January 16, 2019, 11:18:56 AM »
It's good to see that the CaB tradition of awe and wonderment towards the mighty Pienaar continues.

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1016 on: January 16, 2019, 05:38:08 PM »
It's good to see that the CaB tradition of awe and wonderment towards the mighty Pienaar continues.

Used to love those Pienaar stickers as a kid.

pancreas

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1017 on: January 16, 2019, 05:59:40 PM »
You HAVE to see madhair’s latest cartoon strip.

St_Eddie

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1018 on: January 16, 2019, 10:32:46 PM »
You HAVE to see madhair’s latest cartoon strip.

Oh, darling.  'Have to' or 'haaaavvvvve to'?

pancreas

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Re: The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread
« Reply #1019 on: January 17, 2019, 12:57:24 AM »
Just look at the fucking strip.