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The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud: The Thread

Started by Nowhere Man, March 19, 2018, 04:03:03 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

madhair60

Quote from: ZoyzaSorris on January 09, 2019, 12:42:30 PM
The orgy thread is a mine of entertainment but some early posts from twed really inflamed my funny bone for some reason.

Funny, but would have been funnier if it was "arse" instead of "ass".

Chollis



Ferris




pancreas

Quote from: Cuellar on January 10, 2019, 06:33:21 PM
A piece of erotic Ken Hom fan fiction wins the Nobel Prize

Glorious contribution to the desolation thread.

chveik

Quote from: Jerzy Bondov on January 09, 2019, 12:15:34 PM
What are we to do? The best song ever was recorded by the worst man ever. We need a good cover version by someone who isn't evil. I've put Ignition Remix into Spotify and listened to a load of the covers. It's a mixed bag, to be honest.

First, there are loads of a capella covers. Not acceptable. Say what you like about R Kelly but at least he's not in an a capella group. Here are some others:

Tay Watts
Try-hard vocal fails to capture the effortless cool that can only be provided by a man who runs a paedophile ring. Sounds like it could be on the credits of the sort of film my wife wants me to watch. I looked this bloke up and it turns out he's fell in the sea and died.

Landon Austin
No good. He sounds amused with himself. Ho ho look at me covering Ignition (Remix) and then he starts changing the words and rapping. Listen mate, you might think you can come up with better lyrics than an evil paedo, but you can't. Then he adds Daft Punk lyrics as well. Doesn't even make an attempt at the crucial 'Cristal popping' verse. Fucking dog shit.

Brite Futures
I quite like this one. Quite faithful although the vocals lose their way a bit with the falsetto. Bit of a low-fi chiptune feel which softens the (in retrospect uncomfortable) opulence of R Kelly's luxurious child sex mansion vibe. Will do in a pinch.

Zeus
This is a nice version. Feels a bit lower in tempo but has a very smooth vibe and the vocal is great. It's a bit sparse compared to the original, but I like it.

Todd Beasley
What the hell is this, it's some bloke singing Ignition (Remix) down the phone. Can you just upload anything to Spotify now?

Derik
This is alright I suppose. Wears out its welcome fairly quickly and it's not constructed with the level of attention to detail that one associates with R Kelly. That's the main thing you associate with him, probably. That and being a rapist.

Finally I remembered seeing this version on the AV Club ages ago:

Young the Giant
Very nice cover, captures the smooth vibe and nails the crucial 'Cristal popping' verse. I really like the way he hits the 'after the show' lyric. I do not appreciate the swear word however. R Kelly for all his faults is decent enough to censor the f word.

Tired now. Any more contenders out there? Or should we just learn to live without the music of R Kelly?

madhair60

Quote from: Mr Farenheit on June 09, 2018, 03:15:26 AM
"Calvo.... CALVO!!!" screamed at me in Spain by a guy driving past on a scooter



*Calvo is Spanish for bald, or bald cunt

It's the detail of that little pause, followed by the louder yell.

Sebastian Cobb

I like to think the first one just meant bald but the second one was escalated to bald cunt.

Replies From View

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on January 11, 2019, 04:50:34 PM
I like to think the first one just meant bald but the second one was escalated to bald cunt.

If you say it three times to somebody it means their scalp line is lower than the top of their actual skull.

BlodwynPig


canadagoose


kalowski


Maurice Yeatman

Quote from: Sin Agog on January 11, 2019, 10:34:39 PM
All my posts are made using voice wreck a Nissan soft, where?

... in the Verify you're a man in his forties masturbating to 19-year-old women thread.

garnish

Quote from: Pdine on January 11, 2019, 07:55:42 AM
What strikes me as sad is that Stanley Kubrick went to the trouble of having his name be an anagram of 'Ask bulky cretin', and yet no-one ever did. What agony that secret must have been.

paruses

Quote from: Sin Agog on January 11, 2019, 10:34:39 PM
All my posts are made using voice wreck a Nissan soft, where?

Was coming here to post the above.

Then laughed at this:

Quote from: Maurice Yeatman on January 11, 2019, 11:23:45 PM
... in the Verify you're a man in his forties masturbating to 19-year-old women thread.

Result. Today cannot get better.

Sin Agog

Yeah, it's annoying when the quote quoting you is more quotable than the quote quoted.

By the way, they assured me they were all 18.

Ray Travez

Jerzy Bondov on Brexit; the Uncivil War

QuoteFeels a bit too soon to me. Like someone's done a massive shit on my bed and I'm still washing the sheets when I'm told a balding Benedict Cumberbatch is starring in a drama about doing a massive shit on my bed.

madhair60


Pseudopath

Quote from: madhair60 on January 14, 2019, 08:13:29 AM
Quote from: Maurice Yeatman on Today at 01:46:50 AM

If I click that link I get "The topic or board you are looking for appears to be either missing or off limits to you".

Has the thread been deleted? Or are you lot all having shits and giggles in a secret forum?

Cuellar

Probably deleted, think it was one of them spam bot threads

Lordofthefiles


SteveDave

All of this thread but mostly Twed's comments:

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,71198.0.html

Quote from: Twed on January 13, 2019, 06:16:57 PM
I'd position the stupid bastard three feet ahead of me and instruct it to run, because if I catch up to it I'm going to put it in a spider's web.

Quote from: Twed on January 13, 2019, 06:02:28 PM
Probably just relentlessly tweak the little prick's nipples with chopsticks. Put a clothes peg on his head and see if it bursts. Dress him up like a little gladiator, tell him he's going to fight the cat and then immediately stamp on him.

Quote from: Twed on January 13, 2019, 07:40:26 PM
I'd be really nice to little me but constantly sing a song about a tiny corpse that looks exactly like me to unnerve it.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote
Quote from: Gregory Torso on January 15, 2019, 09:56:35 PM
I hadn't laughed for months, not even cracked a smile. I had become a miserable, anhedonic, moody fucker and then John Pienaar came into my life.

It's not just that his name sounds like "peenar" (although that is very funny and totally fine to laugh about), or that when he starts growling about "a deep Tory split" his moustache ripples like a squadron of born-again Christian moths.

So cheeky, I think alone in my cold house, laughing and laughing for the first time in so long, for the joy of the sound of it.

I picture him lighting a tab with the filter ripped off, his fierce eyes burning holes through all the Brexit, he's stolen a pen off Fiona Bruce's desk, and there are egg stains on his lapel. Lighting his cigarette with the finesse of a trained sealion high-fiving its keeper for a bucket of sardines.

Yeah, my name's Penar. Yeah, I look a bit walrus. I wear that shit out. You want some of this AUTHORITY. want a HARD BREXIT. a BACKSTOP, i'll give you a back stop.

You want these strong arms around you at night as the country collapses.



the

It's good to see that the CaB tradition of awe and wonderment towards the mighty Pienaar continues.

St_Eddie

Quote from: the on January 16, 2019, 11:18:56 AM
It's good to see that the CaB tradition of awe and wonderment towards the mighty Pienaar continues.

Used to love those Pienaar stickers as a kid.

pancreas


St_Eddie

Quote from: pancreas on January 16, 2019, 05:59:40 PM
You HAVE to see madhair's latest cartoon strip.

Oh, darling.  'Have to' or 'haaaavvvvve to'?

pancreas