Comedy Dining and Couch Tours

[DangledTeeth]

Fawlty Tours

Generic Music: BAH-BAH-PUHPUH-BAH

Voiceover: FAWWWLTEH TUUOURS - the only fools, erm, only coach tour featuring your favourite hoteliers...

Stubbly Basil presents a paper plate with food

Stubbly Basil: Ah, sorry to have kept you waiting. Hyere is your sausage and mashed puhtatoh drizzled in mint sauce.

Drunk Sybil: BASIL!

Stubbly Basil: Yes, dear?

Drunk Sybil: It's not mint sauce; it's actually a sprinkling of basil.

Stubbly Basil: Boycie goat laugh.

Passengers: HAHAHAHA!

Voiceover: What on Earth?! The coach has come to a complete halt!

Driver: Sorry everyone, I need to check the engine.

The passengers hear a loud voice outside

Stubbly Basil is arguing with the front of the coach

Stubbly Basil: I'VE LAID IT ON THE FFFFUCKIN' LINE FOR YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN, YOU CUNT! RIGHT! DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD THRASHING!

Stubbly Basil whacks the coach with an inflatable dolphin

Voiceover: Haw-haw-haw! The entertainment doesn't end here. Or perhaps it does...

Passenger: Satisfied passengers, huh? Hah-hah (Pulls Stubbly Basil's tie) cold sausage!

Stubbly Basil: This. Is. Typical. Absolutely typical of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you passengers! You ponce in here expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a coachtel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sitting on the luxury seating, looking out the window at the traffic, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of people with nothing better to do than to go on a tour of Brighton! Well, I've had fifteen days of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pick up your belongings and get out!

Passenger 2: That's okay, the coach is being repaired and there's a bus stop across the road.

Stubbly Basil: Very well! Come on, out! Rause! Rause! RRRRRAUSE!

Bent Moustache Manuel: Uh... sie.

Voiceover: Book today even when the sky is grey.

[Ferris]

Jonathan Creek dining tour. Do something with that

[DangledTeeth]

I'll give Jonathan Creek a go.

Jonathan Creek

Voiceover Bloke: Do you like mop-haired chaps? Does a night of dining appeal to you? Then join us at JJJJAWNAFON CREEEEEK CATERING! An exclusive catering service with performances based on the mystery drama series.

Half shaven-haired Jonathan Creek: Somebody has been murdered, and it is my job to find out how it occurred.

QI Klaxon: WOO-LOOB-BLEE-BOH-WOOHM!

The word 'Been' is projected on the wall

Diner: You haven't seen much of Jonathan Creek, have you, mate? And I suppose you haven't watched much of QI, either?!

Half shaven-haired Jonathan Creek: Sorry, sir, I haven't. I am a disappointment.

Passable Kevin Bishop lookalike as Gareth out of The Office who's dressed as a fairy: I'm going to fuckin' kill you, Trotter! Oh... wrong venue.

[Ferris]

And Madeleine Magellan makes a face.

[Dannyhood91]

Jeremy Kyle Investigates Rave Culture

Please and thank you

[Ferris]

Diner 1: these starters are horrible

Alan "Creeky" Davies: but if we thuppose a different motive for the thtarterth, then the quality of the cod taketh on a whole new meaning

*adjusts duffle coat*

Diner 2: no I'm not having that, this is shit, take it back please.

[Gregory Torso]

Don't forget the complimentary tramps' ears.

[Ferris]

Les oeufs d'hobo slightly salted, served sur le moulin du Creek au Magique

$18.99 for 6, or ordered per pair [market price]

[Glebe]

Hyacinth Bouquet: Anyone for a cucumber sandwich?

MEMBER OF COACH PARTY: Yeah, fucking starving, we've not been fed since we left Bromley.

[DangledTeeth]

I'll have a crack at Jeremy Kyle Investigates Rave Culture

Voiceover: JEEEHREMEH KY-YOLHHL INVESTIGATES RRRRAVE CULTYURE - the number one comedy dining experience for your friends or family.

Rockabilly Comb-over Jeremy Kyle: Raving is a nocturnal activity involving thumping music with a catchy bassline. Unfortunately, most youngsters who participate in rave activities end up overdosing on drugs used to enhance the experience. I'm on the streets to pursue and speak with the peddlers of these disco narcotics. But first, I am speaking with DCI Heathfields about the shocking correlation between the intake of drugs and electronic music.

Man with burnt sausage as a truncheon: Let me tell you, Jeremy, the statistics ain't good, mate. Raving and drugs - deadly mixture. Stay an enormous distance away.

Diners: AH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!

Voiceover: Authentic interaction for when you order from our menus. LOVELY JUBBLY! (Muttered) Oh, sorry!

Man Diner: Can I have junior cheese burger and smiley potato faces with baked beans, please.

Rockabilly Comb-over Jeremy Kyle: Smiley faces, eh? Is that what you want?

Man Diner: W'yeah, for my son.

Rockabilly Comb-over Jeremy Kyle: YOU'RE LETTING YOUR SON LISTEN TO THE LIKES OF erm-erm MASSIVE ATTACKED AND SUPREME BEINGS OF LEICESTER AT A PRIVATE FUNCTION, WHILE HE HAS HIS MERRY WAY WITH DANGEROUS DRUGS. WHAT-SORT-OF-FATHER-ARE-YOU?!

Man Diner: Bu-

Rockabilly Comb-over Jeremy Kyle: BE SILENT, YOU IRREDEEMABLE SCUMBAG! YOU KICKED YOUR PREGNANT WIFE DOWN A SET OF STAIRS AFTER SHE CONFRONTED YOU ABOUT THAT PROSTITUTE YOU VISITED, WHO'S ALSO HER SISTER!

Woman Diner: What are y-

Rockabilly Comb-over Jeremy Kyle: OHHHH, WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING SHUT IT FOR FOUR SECONDS, PAL! YOU'RE HARDLY A GLISTENING STAR YOURSELF, CONNING YOUR SENILE MOTHER-IN-LAW INTO GIVING HER LIFE SAVINGS SO YOU CAN BET ON SOME GREYHOUND RACE, WIN £50 AND SPEND IT ON 10 PACKS OF ROTHERHAM CIGARETTES, 20 CANS OF TENNENTS AND A SUFFICIENT PILE OF TANGY TOM CRISPS.

Man Diner: I'm merely trying to order s-

Rockabilly Comb-over Jeremy Kyle: BUTTON IT, CUNTARSE! YOU ARE AN ATROCIOUS EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING. YOU'RE A DISGRACE, MADAM!

Man Diner: Won't you let me-

Rockabilly Comb-over Jeremy Kyle (Coolly): The main course will be served in approximately 30 minutes.

Diners: HAHAHAHA!

Voiceover: Book soon for your seat at the table.

[DangledTeeth]

Voiceover: Screeeeenwipe - The Coach Tuuour and Dining Experience, presented by your favourite host - Charlton Brrrrooker.

A curly-haired man wearing a grey t-shirt, black blazer, jeans and New Balance trainers enters the coach

Driver on metallic xylophone: TING-TENG-DING-DING-TING-TUNG...

Hands: CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

Passengers (Singing): STICKA POO-OONY IN ME POCKET! I'LL FETCH THE SUITCASE FROM THE VAN!

Curly Hair Charlie appears bemused

Hands: CLAP-CLap-Clap-clap... clap.

Passengers: Cough.

Curly Hair Charlie: Human lives on transport - obstreperous, fidgetting guffheads with no sense of coordination and not a shred of dignity within the feckless herd. It's like watching an episode of Most Haunted with Pauline Quirke feeding stale Wotsits aimlessly into your sorry gob. And who would have thought it's Christmas. Again!

Passengers: Kind of like Charlie, but it's still funny. HAHAHAHA

Voiceover: Relax in our luxurious seats while you listen to blissful trivia as part of the tour.

Curly Hair Charlie: That maligned structure over there was built by a dizzying imbecile with more purpose than a lemming stuck in an orderly queue to a condemned volcano, and over there is a relatively charming background of bleak abandon, namely the grey British sky. You came, you saw, and now you're dying for a bloody piss! Don't you wish you were alive in the 1950s?!

Voiceover: Comical interactive dining live!

Seated Table: Could I hav-

Curly Hair Charlie stands inches away from the Seated Man's face

Curly Hair Charlie: FFFFFUUUuuuUUuUcCccCcKkKKKkKK OoOOoOofFFfffFFffFFFF!

Diners: HAHAHAHA!

Voiceover: Reserve your seat today.

[Huxleys Babkins]

VOICEOVER: It's the Looooooooooooooooooouieeeeeeeeeeee Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekaaaaaaaay Comedy Coach Tour Experience! Book today for a day trip of authentic laughs and merriment with your favourite, edgy comedian around the M25 circular!

*The passengers are all sat happily drinking their complimentary cocktails out of pink plastic glasses with funny straws. "Louie" gets onto the coach to the sound of cheers and closes the door behind him.*

SHORT, FAT LOUIE: Good morning, and thanks for booking the Louis CK Comedy Coach Tour Experience. *unzips his trousers* You'll find a chemical toilet at the back. The door sometimes sticks but just give it a kick and you'll be OK. *he retrieves his little cock from his stained, white boxers and starts thumbing it* Please refrain from standing forward of the driver and please make sure you keep your seatbelts fastened when the coach is in motion. *he masturbates whilst fixing eye contact with a woman sat in the third row* A stewardess who looks like the heckler from season 1 will be along with your delicious Louie Lunchboxes as soon as she can stop crying and has sponged everything out of her blouse. Thank you for booki-ahurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ng with Comedy Dining Experiences. *panting* Don't worry, Boycie Fawlty will clean that up.

PASSENGER 1: I loved it. It was so authentic, right down to the bit where he talked about wishing his daughter was living in Iraq so IS militants could rape her to death because she scratched one of his R.E.M. CDs.

PASSENGER 2: I liked when he put his hand up my wife's dress, told her he was a fat piece of shit and promised her a Netflix special.

PASSENGER 3: I'm pretty sure that was the real Louis CK.

PASSENGER 4 IN FULL DEL BOY COSTUME: Ronny, you plonkster!

VOICEOVER: BOOK NOW BEFORE HE ENDS UP IN JAIL!