Indiana Jones V

[Blumf]

You say that like it'd be a bad thing.

No no, just working on my elevator pitches...

Porky's crossed with Possession (1981)

[Sin Agog]

Ford doesn't have the energy or humour to play this role anymore, and Spielberg isn't the young hot director he once was in the eighties. Watching this movie will be like seeing your favourite old boxer coming out of retirement for one last fight. You have that feeling that the spark may still be there, that he's going to pull one more spectacular fight out of the bag. Instead he gets roundly humiliated and tarnishes his career, embarrassing himself as his ass is handed to him in front of a massive audience. And you switch it off at the end thinking, that's a shame.

I reckon even a deflated Ford and Spielberg could pull this off if they actually had a story to tell, but the last Indy was one of the worst ever examples of a bunch of bitty shit hog-tied together and called a movie.  It's like none of the people who make these things ever had a fairytale read to them when they were kids.  Actually telling a story an audience member can recount to others afterwards appears to be the secret to a prolonged run, but that doesn't seem to be how most of these things are made, and I have no idea why.  To be fair, I guess those H. Rider Haggard novels and other pulp fare Indy was based on could be a bit stream of consciousnessy, but there was usually some overriding arc (of the covenant), like in the first and third films.

[Ferris]

Hang about, Crystal Skull was a decade ago? Fucking hell.

[Bad Ambassador]

Since this is going to have to be set in the 60s, a good story would be Indy fighting some hippy satanists who want to get hold of the Spear of Destiny or something to raise the Devil and bring about hell on earth, but no one takes them seriously apart from him because he knows for a fact that God is real, so it's pretty likely the Devil is too. They want to sweep away the Man and all that with the ultimate anti-establishment counter-culture, and Indy tries to explain they'd only be exchanging like for like, or most probably far worse. There's all sorts you could do with it.

[Steven]

Since this is going to have to be set in the 60s, a good story would be Indy fighting some hippy satanists who want to get hold of the Spear of Destiny or something to raise the Devil and bring about hell on earth, but no one takes them seriously apart from him because he knows for a fact that God is real, so it's pretty likely the Devil is too. They want to sweep away the Man and all that with the ultimate anti-establishment counter-culture, and Indy tries to explain they'd only be exchanging like for like, or most probably far worse. There's all sorts you could do with it.

Or set it a decade later where it could be like the Punk episode of Quincy, Indy has to interrupt a Dead Kennedys concert to give an impassioned speech: "Look, I'm sorry I had to break-up your Punk rock music concert, but I'm looking for the Spear of Destiny. The Dead Kennedys have stolen it and are going to use it for evil to try and take over the world!" The inevitable backlash for the fuddy-duddy old man do-gooder: "That's a crock mister, you think we're all zombie-killers!" "You're the killers, your whole sick so-ciety, that's who's guilty maaahn, we're just your lousy ESCAPE goat!" Finally Indy manages to thwart The Dead Kennedys and is seen contentedly putting the Spear back in its polished museum case, fade to him as he takes Marion by the hand in some downtown bar: "Why would anybody want to listen to music that makes you hate, when they can listen to music that makes you love?" FIN.

[colacentral]

Indy in Vietnam.

[TheMonk]

This is a really really good post and I appreciate the thought & effort applied within.

And in turn, I appreciate your appreciation.  Thank you.

Possibly the nicest transaction I've ever seen here.

[Bad Ambassador]

Or set it a decade later where it could be like the Punk episode of Quincy, Indy has to interrupt a Dead Kennedys concert to give an impassioned speech: "Look, I'm sorry I had to break-up your Punk rock music concert, but I'm looking for the Spear of Destiny. The Dead Kennedys have stolen it and are going to use it for evil to try and take over the world!" The inevitable backlash for the fuddy-duddy old man do-gooder: "That's a crock mister, you think we're all zombie-killers!" "You're the killers, your whole sick so-ciety, that's who's guilty maaahn, we're just your lousy ESCAPE goat!" Finally Indy manages to thwart The Dead Kennedys and is seen contentedly putting the Spear back in its polished museum case, fade to him as he takes Marion by the hand in some downtown bar: "Why would anybody want to listen to music that makes you hate, when they can listen to music that makes you love?" FIN.

But my idea was that Indy is a bit uncertain about all this weird music and long hair and funny clothes, but thinks the idea of everyone just loving each other doesn't sound too bad.

And then he disguises himself as one of them like Sid James at the end of Carry On Camping_{he doesn't}.

[biggytitbo]

Ford doesn't have the energy or humour to play this role anymore, and Spielberg isn't the young hot director he once was in the eighties. Watching this movie will be like seeing your favourite old boxer coming out of retirement for one last fight. You have that feeling that the spark may still be there, that he's going to pull one more spectacular fight out of the bag. Instead he gets roundly humiliated and tarnishes his career, embarrassing himself as his ass is handed to him in front of a massive audience. And you switch it off at the end thinking, that's a shame.

Ford was the best thing in Crystal Skull tbh. Diminished a bit yes, but still had the old glint that's being missing from most of his roles the last 20 years.

[greenman]

Ford was the best thing in Crystal Skull tbh. Diminished a bit yes, but still had the old glint that's being missing from most of his roles the last 20 years.

Maybe not at his old level but yeah I think he was the least of the films problems, if the new film is a bit more of a cold war spy style as well I'd guess there wouldn't be as much problem physically.

[mothman]

Indy in Vietnam.

Shock twist: Ho Chi Minh is actually a grown-up Short Round.

[Shaky]

Ford was the best thing in Crystal Skull tbh. Diminished a bit yes, but still had the old glint that's being missing from most of his roles the last 20 years.

Definitely. Made a huge difference that it still felt like the same character compared to, say, the more recent Die Hards with Willis on some kind of weird autopilot.

Maybe not at his old level but yeah I think he was the least of the films problems, if the new film is a bit more of a cold war spy style as well I'd guess there wouldn't be as much problem physically.

Indy as a more active George Smiley type? I could buy into that.

Every single idea in this thread will probably be better than whatever we end up with. Sigh.

[bgmnts]

Shock twist: Ho Chi Minh is actually a grown-up Short Round.

Yes!!!!!

[momatt]

Hang about, Crystal Skull was a decade ago? Fucking hell.

Just rewatched the Crystal Skull tonight, I was also surprised it was a decade ago.

Almost forgot how amazingly shit that film is.  First half seems ok, sort of silly, but still fun.  Second half goes fucking mental and makes absolutely no sense at all.  It's stupid even for a film about a superhero archaeologist.

I made a mental list of all the gaping plot-holes and bits of dialogue that made no sense, but soon lost track of it all.
I agree that Harrison Ford is still good in it though.

Made me think of intentionally silly films like Kung Fury.  Except they're being serious.
How the fuck did it even get made?

[Dr Rock]

Indiana Jones and the Kids Playing On His Lawn

[St_Eddie]

The real Indiana Jones IV is Fate of Atlantis.  I love that game, orichalcum love beads and all.

Possibly the nicest transaction I've ever seen here.

Sorry, I was having an off day.  I'm now back to being a cynical and jaded miser.

Definitely. Made a huge difference that it still felt like the same character compared to, say, the more recent Die Hards with Willis on some kind of weird autopilot.

Bruce Willis' performance in the latter Die Hard movies is utterly shameful.  He's like the poster child old man for 'cashing a cheque'.

[Shaky]

The real Indiana Jones IV is Fate of Atlantis.  I love that game, orichalcum love beads and all.

I was having an off day.  I'm now back to being a cynical, jaded and obnoxious miser.

Bruce Willis' performance in the latter Die Hard movies is utterly shameful.  He's like the poster child old man for 'cashing a cheque'.

I could barely make it 20 mins into the last one, but in Die Hard 4.0 or whatever the Christ it was called it didn't seem like the same character at all. Willis just kept doing that pursed lips thing as if that's all McClain was ever about.

I would have accepted a hairpiece in lieu of him remembering how to play the role.

[St_Eddie]

I would have accepted a hairpiece in lieu of him remembering how to play the role.

Ha!  I completely agree; McClane without a receding hairline is just plain wrong.  Him being completely bald is like watching an action movie, starring your average CaBer.

[Ant Farm Keyboard]

Basically, every time Willis wants to take extra cash in a generic action film, he makes it a Die Hard sequel.

Otherwise, most of Harrison Ford's acting in the last 25 years looks like an audition for the "before" segment of a laxative commercial. Which made his melancholic performance in Blade Runner 2049 all the more riveting, as it reminded everybody that the man still can act.

[itsfredtitmus]

Crystal Skull is a tonne better than any of the originals, sorry

[bgmnts]

Just realised most films with V or in the title are cack.

Star Wars V - good
Star Trek V - bad
Rocky V - bad
V for Vendetta - bad

As are fifth installments to franchises.

Halloween 5 - bad
Friday 13th 5 - bad
Nightmare on Elm Street 5 - bad
Attack of the Clones - dogshit
Prometheus - bad
Dead Men Tell No Tales - bad
Casino Royale (Niven) - bad
Die Hard 5 - bad

I mean I could go on...

[Dr Rock]

V For Vendetta is good.

[Shit Good Nose]

Which made his melancholic performance in Blade Runner 2049 all the more riveting, as it reminded everybody that the man still can act.

I think his delivery of the line "not really!" when K asks him about seeing his daughter is a genuinely brilliant piece of acting.  The look on his face, the way he says it, the slight change in pitch of his voice - those two words say a hell of fucking lot about what Deckard has been through.

I'll also reiterate, again, that 2049 proves Ford still has fair physical chops for another Indy film.  Anyone who has seen some of the behind the scenes footage will remember Gosling throwing Ford (the actual Ford, not a stunt man) over a lounger more than once.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

He's high as a kite all the time, so he probably can't feel anything.

[Shit Good Nose]

That's true.

Indiana Jones and the Search for the Mystic Bud

Co-stars TJ Miller.

[biggytitbo]

Anyone who has seen some of the behind the scenes footage will remember Gosling throwing Ford (the actual Ford, not a stunt man) over a lounger more than once.

Throwing Indy onto various pieces of soft furnishing might not be up to the Desert chase sequence in Raiders but it'll still be pretty impressive for a 77 year old.

[Shit Good Nose]

Throwing Indy onto various pieces of soft furnishing might not be up to the Desert chase sequence in Raiders but it'll still be pretty impressive for a 77 year old.

Not onto - OVER.  Okay, there's a crash mat the other side, but there would've been a crash-mat 35 years ago as well.

[biggytitbo]

Ok throwing Indy over various pieces of soft furnishing will still be impressive for a 77 year old. HAPPY NOW.

[Shit Good Nose]

Yes.

[Replies From View]

Not onto - OVER.  Okay, there's a crash mat the other side, but there would've been a crash-mat 35 years ago as well.

Only if somebody had the foresight to put it there.