Putting your foot in it like a proper fucking prannock

[gilbertharding]

On the way out of a relation's funeral the deceased's brother shook my hand and thanked me for coming along. It was all a bit awkward, so politely I responded with "it's my pleasure".

The look on his face...

Having been caught out similarly before (the sentiment that 'it's brilliant to see you - such a shame it's under these circumstances') I now practice saying "It was the least I could do... sorry for your loss," before any funerals I now attend.

[shh]

Acting like a twat by telling someone that people study Art History because they aren't creative enough for art or intelligent enough for history. Then she tells me that's what she studies. Cue the backpedalling.

[Dex Sawash]

Haven't those people ever heard of closing a god damn door?

                                                                               +24 karma

[idunnosomename]

Acting like a twat by telling someone that people study Art History because they aren't creative enough for art or intelligent enough for history. Then she tells me that's what she studies. Cue the backpedalling.

tbf if someone can't be self-deprecating about art history then fuck em.

[AsparagusTrevor]

Acting like a twat by telling someone that people study Art History because they aren't creative enough for art or intelligent enough for history. Then she tells me that's what she studies. Cue the backpedalling.

Don't leave us hanging, what was she studying?

[drummersaredeaf]

Don't leave us hanging, what was she studying?

Golf course management and Welsh. Dual honours.

[SteveDave]

Haven't those people ever heard of closing a god damn door?

Karma +1,000

[Blinder Data]

Karma +1,000

Don't get it...?

[Kane Jones]

Don't get it...?

It's a Panic! At The Disco lyric.

[Blinder Data]

It's a Panic! At The Disco lyric.

In that case, -1000 karma

[Rich Uncle Skeleton]

In that case, -1000 karma

+1000 karma

[BlodwynPig]

Don't have karma on here anymore.

[Kane Jones]

Don't have karma on here anymore.

Tom Petty song?

[BlodwynPig]

Tom Petty song?

(About to Give Out) +3.5 Karma

[Hobo With A Shit Pun]

A mate of mine had an exchange at her work yesterday running:

"I'm pregnant."
"Who with?"

Apparently, the pregnant colleague was offended by this, and my mate duly mortified. Thankfully, I was later on hand to share "How's the baby?"/"Dead"/"Oh Good" and comparatively she was less mortified. Also laughing indirectly at a miscarriage. But less mortified.

[wooders1978]

I think I may have mentioned it at the time but last summer a lifelong friends mother sent a request to follow me on Instagram so like a true pal I took a screenshot and sent a WhatsApp to my mate saying "I'm adding her to my fap list" - only instead of sending it to my mate I sent to his wife's "family bbq" group for her forthcoming birthday - I came up with FAP standing for friends and parents and think I got away with it

[momatt]

That is excellent, good save!

Reminded me of the time I sent my mate a load of cartoon porn.
Princess Jasmine getting fucked doggy-style by Aladdin.  The Scooby-doo gang all fucking in a big orgy (including the dogs I think).  The Jetsons all fucking each other senseless and covered in George's cum.

Except I sent it to my mate's Dad instead.  A very old-fashioned conservative Christian, who likely didn't even know who the characters were.
I don't think he liked it that much.  He didn't say thank you.

[Replies From View]

I think I may have mentioned it at the time but last summer a lifelong friends mother sent a request to follow me on Instagram so like a true pal I took a screenshot and sent a WhatsApp to my mate saying "I'm adding her to my fap list" - only instead of sending it to my mate I sent to his wife's "family bbq" group for her forthcoming birthday - I came up with FAP standing for friends and parents and think I got away with it

I think it would have worked there and then, but imagine their faces as they reached the middle distance and thought "Hang on.  His friends and their parents in a list??"

[wooders1978]

I think there was one or two who suspected that I may have indeed been indulging in some bantz and memes but his folks are of a different generation so I reckon I'm alright

[imitationleather]

Acting like a twat by telling someone that people study Art History because they aren't creative enough for art or intelligent enough for history. Then she tells me that's what she studies. Cue the backpedalling.

If they're posh it's a 50% chance this is what they're studying. If she was posh and you said this you really have only yourself to blame.

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

Oh I have a pretty good one for that.  It involves my friend, that I shall call S, and this bloke called G.

Me, S and another friend were at a house party a few years ago, and conversation got onto cheating.  We spoke about this other bloke we all know who is infamous for having been basically cheating on his seemingly oblivious girlfriend the whole time they've been together (since they were 14, in anecdote universe they're about 19 and as a side note they're still together in their mid-20s and he's still cheating on her).  We spent a while moaning about how much of a cunt this guy is, then moved onto how much of an idiot his girlfriend is.

I said "yeah, it's just terrible how little self respect you'd need to have to stay with someone who's repeatedly cheating on you.  It's just bloody like when G was going out with..." then I stopped in absolute horror, because G was going out with S.  He cheated on her a few times and she stayed with him, and it's literally one of the girls I was talking to that very minute.  Genuinely so into autopilot it just didn't occur to me until it was too late.  Thankfully it was when they were like 16 so it sort of doesn't count, ish.

After a pause that felt like it lasted a lifetime S laughed, called me a dickhead and playfully punched my shoulder.  Somehow I managed to get away with it because, in fairness, me making a deliberately risque joke to take the piss was the far more logical interpretation of what I'd done (especially as I was (am??) the kind of cunt to make that kind of joke).  Actually that's not a particularly exciting anecdote but it's all you're getting lads.

[Small Man Big Horse]

That is excellent, good save!

Reminded me of the time I sent my mate a load of cartoon porn.
Princess Jasmine getting fucked doggy-style by Aladdin.  The Scooby-doo gang all fucking in a big orgy (including the dogs I think).  The Jetsons all fucking each other senseless and covered in George's cum.

Except I sent it to my mate's Dad instead.  A very old-fashioned conservative Christian, who likely didn't even know who the characters were.
I don't think he liked it that much.  He didn't say thank you.

That reminds me when I was fourteen and my friend Mark was around another friend's house one Saturday tea time. As a new programme began he exclaimed "Baywatch? Wankwatch more like!" and the friend's strict and christian dad went mental, screamed abuse and threw him out. Took about six months to be allowed back round, and of course "Wankwatch" became a tedious meme between us.

[momatt]

That is excellent.
I shall from now on call it 'Wankwatch'.

[thraxx]

A mate of mine had an exchange at her work yesterday running:

"I'm pregnant."
"Who with?"

Apparently, the pregnant colleague was offended by this, and my mate duly mortified. Thankfully, I was later on hand to share "How's the baby?"/"Dead"/"Oh Good" and comparatively she was less mortified. Also laughing indirectly at a miscarriage. But less mortified.

I love it when people announce they are pregnant.  It gives me the chance to take their hand, look into their eyes and intone seriously. "Don't you worry, we're going to find out who did this to you"

[idunnosomename]

That reminds me when I was fourteen and my friend Mark was around another friend's house one Saturday tea time. As a new programme began he exclaimed "Baywatch? Wankwatch more like!" and the friend's strict and christian dad went mental, screamed abuse and threw him out. Took about six months to be allowed back round, and of course "Wankwatch" became a tedious meme between us.

So did said dad go on to watch Bay/Wankwatch?

[alan nagsworth]

That reminds me when I was fourteen and my friend Mark was around another friend's house one Saturday tea time. As a new programme began he exclaimed "Baywatch? Wankwatch more like!" and the friend's strict and christian dad went mental, screamed abuse and threw him out. Took about six months to be allowed back round, and of course "Wankwatch" became a tedious meme between us.

This is made all the more amusing because obviously "Baywank" works loads better, but "Wankwatch" is absurdly daft and great.

I think I may have mentioned it at the time but last summer a lifelong friends mother sent a request to follow me on Instagram so like a true pal I took a screenshot and sent a WhatsApp to my mate saying "I'm adding her to my fap list" - only instead of sending it to my mate I sent to his wife's "family bbq" group for her forthcoming birthday - I came up with FAP standing for friends and parents and think I got away with it

Ditto also guffawed at how totally nuts this story is. Amazing.

[Cuntbeaks]

In the pub with a few guys from another team in work. One of them is black, nice guy.

Anyway, we were laughing about the other guy being a professional moaner and i joked that the black guy would end up the same as him and summed that up by saying

"Y'know, monkey see, see do"

Totally innocent and the correct phrase to use, but fuck me my face was bright fucking red. I expect will choke me out at some point in some sort of stairwell altercation.

[BlodwynPig]

I'll regurgitate this cringeworthy story one more time.

At uni, a girl in the conservation society (not conservative) I was president of, intimated that she wanted to go out with me (a year after she rejected me). I had my eye on another feisty girl and I was going to ask this other girl out so stalled the first. This was around the time that mobile phones were becoming prevalent and I had splashed out 50 quid on a top up.

The Satan of fortune played his demonic trick that evening when I was sitting in the uni bar all keen to ask this girl out. Of course I was nervous and cringey as hell - all romantic platitudes and shit. She of course rejected me.

It wasn't until later that I found out that Satan had somehow seen fit for me to dial this other girl's house when my mobile was at the bottom of my ruck sack that I must have been leaning heavily on. Not only did I lose all that 50 quid in one go, but all four of her female housemates gathered round and heard the entire fuckwit, gibbering rejection.

The next time I saw one of them they had a smirk the size of an inflatable banana boat. "what?" I asked...

Of course, to heap misery upon misery they all thought I was dating their housemate at this time and I did not find this out for 10 years - so there was always this weird resentment about them and other friends of mine who knew them. I then dated the first girl for a few years as she of course knew that I hadn't done anything wrong. But, as I say, it took 10 years before a guy who I was still friends with said "you know, time has passed and I forgive you for what you did to ****". The embarrassment once more rose up and I realised I will never be free.

[Replies From View]

This is made all the more amusing because obviously "Baywank" works loads better, but "Wankwatch" is absurdly daft and great.

I think we need a Baywank subforum.

[Kane Jones]

That is excellent.
I shall from now on call it 'Wankwatch'.

Crack on, but it's definitely a gag from a Ben Elton stand-up from the 90s. I have the DVD.