MEDIEVAL DESOLATION

[spamwangler]

[MEDIEVAL DESOLATION THEME]



A NAUGHTY HORSE FILLS THE PRAM OF A FUTURE KING TO THE BRIM WITH PISS. HIS REIGN IS SHORT AND BLOODY

A MONK MAKES A COPY OF AN IMPORTANT BOOK, BUT SECRETLY WISHES IT WAS A PS4

AN HEIRLOOM GITTERN IS DROPPED INTO A MIDDEN BY A SPITEFUL VILLAGE IDIOT

"ZDE SE ZOBRAZI MY DARLING, PŘEDLOŽTE SI VAŠE VÁŠ PÍSKÁNÍ!" BELLOWS A STONE MASON AT A PASSING LEPER FROM HIS GANTRY HALF WAY UP THE ST.VITUS CATHEDRAL

LOOKING OVER TO HIS APPRENTICE, HE SAYS "CO? JÁ BYCH TO UDĚLAL, DOKUD SE JEJÍ NOHY NESTALY"

[spamwangler]

A GOTHIC HIPSTER LAUGHS AT A HENGE

and so on, come on guys!

[seepage]

SIR GERALD SHOWS OFF HIS NEW LONGSWORD but nobody's interested mate

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Me pulling my foreskin back to reveal micro-lesions sustained after a desperate wank.

[seepage]

A ROBBER KNIGHT LOSES THE ABILITY TO CACKLE

A PEON SHOUTS "I'VE GOT WOOD"

[Spoon of Ploff]

A medieval artist shits himself at the sight of Smalt.

[BlodwynPig]

Spoon the Ploff snaps his third and final lute string, but keeps on playing for the tyrant king.

[Dannyhood91]

Stupid Peasants have no fucking idea what a Game Boy is never mind a Nintendo Switch. Daft fucking idiots.

[pancreas]

Spoon the Ploff snaps his third and final lute string, but keeps on playing for the tyrant king.

I liked this.

[hamfist]

A wyfe hath succed off the Master, yet he returneth to byggere the Chylde

[idunnosomename]

A mason cuts a piece of tracery in the curvilinear style, but is told off by the master mason and the piece used for core. It is the 15th century and all tracery has to be perpendicular.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Spoon the Ploff snaps his third and final lute string, but keeps on playing for the tyrant king.

...and invents the art form known as the 'Air Lute'

... for which he gets burnt at the stake.

[hamfist]

Godfreye hath penned a sonnet for his sweethearte, alas his maiden doth favour blacke devilles and taketh no heed

[Gregory Torso]

Jesus accidentally kills a child during one of his more boisterous parables.

[BlodwynPig]

Harald doth receiveth an arrow threw his eye whilst selfe pleasing himself. His eye doth bleed red and whyte, a new emblem for the nation. 

[Gregory Torso]

Pope Impetigo has tired of the children he receives beneath his robes, their frightened tongues and eyes and breaths, and so casts them, for laffes, into the tallow fat ichor of his tar pits, to retrieve, six months hence, the skeleton and have it wall-mounted, so that he may let fly his holy seed into the screaming sockets.

[spamwangler]

this is exactly the sort of thing i had hoped for. brilliant work all

[hamfist]

she scratcheth the pustules neath her gown til they runne, lest the master looseth his breeches

[Lemming]

Thomas of Norfolk experiences a poor winter harvest. His infant daughter dies of starvation

Isabella of Durham receives the news that her husband has been "set about by ruffians" and had his "brains dashed out against the ground". She silently contemplates this news while sipping her cholera-infused water

Roger of Sussex shuffles past a group of knights out pillaging the countryside. He watches as they set his wheat alight, but says nothing

Agnes of Chester is accused of heresy after pissing on the wall of a church

[Lemming]

And for some real-life MEDIEVAL DESOLATION, check this out - real deaths from coroner's records: https://twitter.com/DeathMedieval

William, son of William Furse, died aged five years in 1332, when a garden wall fell upon him. The said wall was worth one penny.

Maud, daughter of Richard of Dunchurch, died by accidentally falling into a ditch in 1332

John Smiths, son of John Smiths, burned to death by mischance in 1391

Agnes Perone, half a year old, died 1396, killed by a sow, who ate her head even to the nose. The sow was arrested

[Glebe]

"Sire, look verily on the feast now laid before you!"

"Undercooked olde-worlde shite."

[BlodwynPig]

And for some real-life MEDIEVAL DESOLATION, check this out - real deaths from coroner's records: https://twitter.com/DeathMedieval

the gift that keeps on giving-eth

[Gregory Torso]

Upon finding his Wife in sexual congrefs with a Wolfhound, Belvedere hath pierced the beast with his Halberd and hoysted the body over the castle parapets, whereupon it crushes to the death a Duckling and its playmate.

[Spoon of Ploff]

North of Hampton's Ancient Brittons Funn Park closes for good after the third outbreak of Black Death in two weeks.

[spamwangler]

Fuck me that john smiths one is gold plated double barrelled mega deso of the highest calibre

[Bazooka]

The Earl of Lowestoft slips on a peasents lung and falls into a pit.

[spamwangler]

there were a lot more pits back in the day wasnt there?

DO YER REMEBER PITS?!

[Bazooka]

there were a lot more pits back in the day wasnt there?

DO YER REMEBER PITS?!

Indeed there were, Facebook was full of posts back then; "You know your a child of the 1260's when you had a pit".

[Ferris]

A sadistic armourer continues to make intentionally thin breastplates. "Never had a customer come back and complain yet!" he chuckles, as more cadavers arrive back from the holy land.

[Ferris]

A mis-calibrated rooster crows at any old fucking hour. The entire village is sick of it.

It will be 500 years before the invention of the alarm clock so they'll just have to live with it.