MEDIEVAL DESOLATION

[Old Nehamkin]

A tanner renounces the Christe as he buries his last son at the future location of Blobbyland.

[Ferris]

An actual witch is burned at the stake; first and last of her kind.

[Replies From View]

Man reckons Turin shroud dates back almost 1400 years to the life of Christ.

[BlodwynPig]

Jonathan the Tortoise gets into a scuffle with a merchant guildsman.

[Glebe]

Verily durst serf Peter sit alone reading The Canterbury Tales of a Saturday's eve.

[BlodwynPig]

Verily durst serf Peter sit alone reading The Canterbury Tales of a Saturday's eve.

But he cannot read and thus tends to his cabbages.

[Glebe]

But he cannot read and thus tends to his cabbages.

Euphemism.

[Gregory Torso]

Patrick attends the annual Prymarke Fayre and purchases a new bodkin, which alas, is shat on by a Raven of ill portent not ten minutes eyfterwards.

[Ferris]

Fermented cabbage, with a side of fermented cabbage. Every day, for 8 months.

There is no through-draft in the castle.

[Lemming]

Ronald the Serf engages in a lighthearted jest by falsely claiming he has the Black Death, scaring the townsfolk. It is the most excitement his village has had in years. When he reveals he was merely joking, he is beaten to death after dark by a group of farmers who accuse him of witchery

Sarah of Nottingham wakes up one morning with, objectively, the best idea for a novel any human has ever had, or ever will have. As she is a peasant in the year 1258, she is illiterate and cannot write her idea down, and it is lost forever when she is killed by an out-of-control horse-drawn cart the next day

Right as he scales the siege ladders on the walls of Jerusalem, a crusader realises he's not really into the whole thing

[to infect aside]

A stablehand defiles himself in the eyes of God, ruining the harvest.

[Cuellar]

A disillusioned friar bums a local cretin

[BlodwynPig]

"Those buns aren't fyckin' cooked enough you cynt" screams Bertram's wife.

Fyck this for a game of shovelboard, he thinks, shoving the flaccid dough into the roaring furnace and supping himself into a stupor on fermented gooseberries.

(No records exist to verify the fact, but this was the start of the Great fire of London).

[Cuellar]

Bert signs up for a crusade to "kick fuck out of some Arabs".

[Mr Eggs]

Brother Cadfael can bang from matins to compline using a lepers pickled anus as a cock ring.

[BlodwynPig]

The year is 1018, Yaroslav the Wise retreats to Novogrod after defeat by the Duke of Poland in the Battle of the River Bug

"Oh woe betide, this is awful, just ruddy awful" he screams. A mouldering soothsayer, "you've never had it so good, mate, just wait 1000 years".

[BlodwynPig]

It's fascinating tracing a lineage via Wikipedia. Rikessa, the Queen of Norway was a descendant of Yaroslav The Wise

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The Black Death arbitrarily fails to kill a hated wife.

[Bhazor]

A knight visits a peasant hut for a dalliance. The prostitute's young lad is told to "see to" the knight's horse. Assuming he meant "see to" the same way his mother "see's to" the knight the young lad drowns.

[GentleJoshing]

Young Tom's feelings of awe at his first sight of Salisbury Cathedral is marred, and his religious fervour forever tarnished, by a pustuled old man grabbing his shoulder to steady himself as he pisses out a skinful of strong ale.

[BlodwynPig]

Mad monk Alphonso shits in the mead again. "Add a few more cloves of garlic to the turnip stew" says Friar Cuthbert.

[GentleJoshing]

Ungainly, awkward and irredeemably shit at the lute, Arthur was a drain on the troupe's resources. He doesn't understand the transaction taking place as his parents sell him to a gangmaster for a medium size pig.

[spamwangler]

Ungainly, awkward and irredeemably shit at the lute, Arthur was a drain on the troupe's resources. He doesn't understand the transaction taking place as his parents sell him to a gangmaster for a medium size pig.

You've just nicked this from stings autobiography

[Phil_A]

Donald of Stretham receives a grievous wound on his privy parts while attempting to smuggle home a purloined stoat in his britches.

Shortly thereafter he succumbs to festering.

[pancreas]

Slow Jack, the Butcher's boy, is entered into the Tournament by the village japester. Jack decides to make his lance out of candle wax.

[Cuellar]

A pathetic blacksmith hobbles his favourite son for saying 'those Cathars make some good points'

[pancreas]

A comedy of errors results in the wrong twin being burned as a witch. Due to an unforeseen shortage of firewood, they have to hang the other twin instead.

[Ferris]

A trebuchet is mocked by other war engines for "being gay".

[Gregory Torso]

At a Royal Banquet, the main course dish of a wren inside a hen inside a goose inside a pheasant inside a peasant inside a volvo goes completely untouched.

[Sebastian Cobb]

In a last-ditch attempt to win them back, a court jester violently and loudly shits his costume.