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NON-MATTER OF FACT ANTIQUES ROADSHOW

Started by Alberon, April 16, 2018, 12:41:30 PM

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Alberon

Expert - Well, this is an exquisite piece of 19th century Swedish pottery—

Granny - Don't give a shit! What's it worth?!

Expert - Oh, er... The glaze is in the Parisian style first perfected by Jacques Cousteau's maternal grandmother's chiropodist's fishmonger in 183—

Granny - DON'T FUCK WITH ME!!

[She whips out an extendable baton and lashes him across the face with it]

Expert - ARRGH!! Security! We've got another one.

[Guards approach from all angles drawing submachine guns from their jackets. The Granny smiles] It's playtime, motherfuckers!

THAT BLOKE WHO LOOKS LIKE PHIL DAVIS: I'd suggest that if this piece were to go to auction, you'd be looking at something like 10 to 15 thousand pounds.

*The crowd gasps*

MIDDLE AGED LADY: Oh.

THAT BLOKE WHO LOOKS LIKE PHIL DAVIS: A bit of a shock?

MIDDLE AGED LADY: That's fuck all to someone like me. Probably paid more in petrol getting down here.

THAT BLOKE WHO LOOKS LIKE PHIL DAVIS: Still, it's a wonderful piece.

MIDDLE AGED LADY: Nah, it's shit mate. You fucking keep it.

Sebastian Cobb

Some ingrates are on there asking 'how much do you think it's worth?' before the body's even in the ground.

Spoon of Ploff

Exp: Yeah, this is well old.

Gran: Oh is it?

Exp: Yeah. An' there should be a pair o them. Might be worth a bob or two if you're got the other one.

Gran: ...

Exp: 'Ave you got it then..? The other one?

Gran: noo

Exp: Well then luv. You're f**ked aren't you? Now p**s off and stop wasting ahh time.





ERIC KNOWLES: On the basis of the damage to the lid and the lack of market demand for them at the moment, I'd suggest that it might reach thirty to forty pounds with the right buyer.

GAMMON-FACED MAN: That is a shame.

ERIC KNOWLES: Still, there's plenty of sentimental value in it, I'm sure.

GAMMON-FACED MAN: One sec mate. *shouting into his mobile* Doreen? It's Frank. Yeah, just been on with that poof about Dad's urn. Say's it's worth fuck all. Yeah, lower the reserve to 20. I just want shot of it. What's that? Peas. I'll have peas. You know I don't like broad beans. Alright love. See you later. Love you. Bye.

ERIC KNOWLES: ...

GAMMON-FACED MAN: Yeah, it means the world to me. Couldn't put a price on it.

Gregory Torso

"WHAT CAN I GET FOR THIS OLD CUP?"

"Well, first we should refer you to a ceramics exp-"

"IT'S GOT A PETER RABBIT ON IT WHAT MONEY WILL YOU GIVE ME"

"Sir, I do appraisals for Eighteenth Century pewter -"

"FUCKING WASTE OF TIME PUT ME ON THE TELLY"

"This is a child's drinking cup, it's plastic, why-"

"PAY ME FOR MY ANTIQUE CUNT. WHERE'S THE CAMERAS?"

Ferris

Punter: listen mate if this old piece of rusty tat I found in my uncles shed isn't worth a fucking fortune and will pay off my mortgage then I swear down

Giles Brandreth (for it is he): bad news then I'm afraid

Viewer: this is appalling, I'm going to catch the last round of Countdown instead

Chairman Bodog

David Dick-in-Son Saville: Now then. Now then. We got a smashing piece of Third Reich objets de curiosité. A little degenerate, perhaps. How's bout that then? *flops necro cock out of swim trunks*

89 Year Old Tropical Fever Del: Bonnet de douche!

DangledTeeth

Music: Tee-dum-pa-pah etc.

Antique expert: This Georgian chamber pot could sell in the region of £2,000 - £4,000.

David Dickinson: An auspicious estimate by our antique expert. (To camera) What a Bobby Davro!

Antique Expert: Mate, you ain't in this. It's Bargain Hunt.

David Dickinson: Oh yeah! Don't blame me, that Dangled bloke whacked me onto this.

Antique Expert: Self-deprecating funnyman, ain't he. He never gets the hang of these threads. When there's an actual MoF thread he posts some long-winded parody.

David Dickinson: Yes. And now he's submitted a factual observation regarding my incorrect placement on this programme, in a non-matter of fact
thread.