Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

a malnourished seal smells exactly like geordies

Laughed

[Sebastian Cobb]

The DIY mechanics was all going so well. That is, until the driveshaft pops out of the gearbox and you're left in an Ikea car park with gearbox oil pissing out onto the tarmac and a now un-driveable motor. Curses!

I did it on the street, but this is every bit of mechanicing I've done. It has usually needed someone to give me a lift to buy a tool or part as my car is now un-driveable.

[spamwangler]

to celebrate his new job in a warehouse, a man goes to lidl to buy himself some new shoes

[Huxleys Babkins]

Alexa... Order a 9 foot washing line. Prime Now delivery. And text mum I'm sorry.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

All that she wants is another baby.

She's dead tomorrow.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Unexpected suicidal thoughts in bagging area.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

'How was your weekend mate?'

'Shite.'

[Gregory Torso]

A baby delights in the caperings of a drowning spaniel.

[Fishfinger]

A Tampax advert comes on. "Turn it up, son, I can't 'ear it."

[Gregory Torso]

Ron's dead wife comes to visit him in his dreams; unfortunately, it's the dream where Ron is buggering the teenage boy next door wearing a cheap bulldog mask.

[Huxleys Babkins]

"So much for the kindness of strangers!" chuckles Ron as he's kicked to death after asking for directions.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A carpet bomb that was supposed to end evil once and for all, drifts harmlessly into some sea, where it kills a colony of seals.

[Cuntbeaks]

Due to undiagnosed stomach cancer, a tyrant can't finish his lunchtime special Macaroni Cheese and Chips.

A dinner lady takes two acid and mentally implodes after catching sight of her reflection in a spoon.

A Lidl wedding dress.

[Fishfinger]

After years of strife and disease, the world finally comes together under a new understanding. It pools its resources until - a decade later - it finally holds its collective breath at the fiery birth of a fresh global hope. Hundreds watch as the U.S.S. YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO PPI COMPENSATION CALL 0800-555-555 is finally launched into space to exploit new worlds.

[Gregory Torso]

Ron gives birth to a smaller Ron out of his big Ron hairdo.

"I don't want more Ron" he says, flushing the mewling imp down the toilet.

His ghost wife watches from the corner, unable to stop the endless cycle of little births and deaths.

[Gregory Torso]

A lollipop lady with a lazy eye directs a crocodile of children into a canal.

[Gregory Torso]

No shooting stars in the night sky - only shooting pains down your left arm.

[Fishfinger]

Julie's cough medicine is diluted razor blades.

[Fishfinger]

A lugworm collector from Haverigg discovers a kid's skull weekly amid the 13 square miles of Duddon estuary. Not what you'd call a living though.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Theo microwaves some soup while listening to Robbie Savage summarize last nights match. It's the highlight of his week.

[Fishfinger]

Scientists discover that life on Mars gave up.

[Fishfinger]

The heat death of the universe is postponed.

[Fishfinger]

Ralph is charged 5p for a Morrison's colostomy bag.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Tony Hadley is chosen as the people's director of internal foghorning, and will dispense TRUUUEEs at seventeen timepoints throughout our daily progressions.

[Dannyhood91]

When your bird tells she loves you for the first time and you respond with "well I think you're a fucking bitch" while rummaging through her fridge for a yogurt

[Glebe]

In a hotel bar in the Canaries in 1993, an orange-tan Wigan businessman taps his foot along to Chris de Burgh's 'High on Emotion'. "That's quality, that is."

[Ferris]

Decision between eating the remaining dog food, or eating the dog.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Ron gives birth to a smaller Ron out of his big Ron hairdo.

"I don't want more Ron" he says, flushing the mewling imp down the toilet.

His ghost wife watches from the corner, unable to stop the endless cycle of little births and deaths.

I laughed

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A frozen fishfinger snaps off in the twat of a japanese girl cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.

Amazing

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You send your pal a link to that 4-minute YouTube vid you found lung-burstingly funny.

Their reply arrives 17 seconds later: 'haha brilliant mate.'

Laughed