Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Dogs don't understand the concept of sado-masochism, but that doesn't stop Karl as he makes a table shape for his rottweiler to perch and fart on.

[Gregory Torso]

Ken's wife asks him to have breakfast outside in the garden because his headlice are being too rowdy.

[Gregory Torso]

A small white hamlet collapses into the soft fens under the weight of its own xenophobic constituency.

[Gregory Torso]

A dead barn owl in a pub urinal.

[pancreas]

'John,' implores Miss Harris, the art teacher. 'Please can you stop scratching your bottom and get on with your painting?'

'But this is what I do at home.'

'Well that's as maybe but it's not polite.'

'But how else can I make a picture?'

Miss Harris looks at the painting. It is brown.

[Twit 2]

A barn dance falls on top of a dickhead.

A 'wank in the bag for Jesus' campaign falters from the off.

An anal hygienist is mistakenly piped into a vat.

Gerald fails to turn up at his daughter's matriculation because he's balls deep in a donkey's arse.

A flourishing infants school's headteacher is replaced by a truculent beekeeper.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Bogey the Down's droid - aborted after ultrasound

[Glebe]

The Piper at the Gates of Dawn fucks his pipes away and sods off for a Greggs and a can of Tesco beer.

[spamwangler]

 A passionate love affair is left unfinished due to an industrial strike.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Heron Foods, 4pm, Monday, November.

The 12" mix of Pop Muzik is bleak as fuck.

[Glebe]

A knob'ead sticks its nose into your personal problems, wheedling like a piece of shit.

[flotemysost]

A fat goth sweats in a Bournemouth shopping centre on a roasting Saturday afternoon.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

It uses a nit comb to scrape off the flakes, collects them in jars. All the walls have shelves.

For the jars.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

Gareth tries to throw a patio chair in a fit of pique. It bobbles off the patio and flops onto the lawn.

[petril]

Magrit hates smoking, but that won't stop her having one to chase the "leaving the house to walk to the car" fag down with.

[Gregory Torso]

Ron farts and a peanut shoots out of his arse like an air rifle, shattering the new plasma screen TV. As punishment, Janet denies him her vagina for the rest of the month.

[Glebe]

"What have I done with my life?!" screams Richard Osman, flinging his laptop at Alexander Armstrong's face.

[Gregory Torso]

Mr Blobby's organs are harvested for a horrible child's Spongebob costume.

[Gregory Torso]

A spaniel overdoses in its kennel.

[Gregory Torso]

A child's Eisteddfod dog poo volcano is a roaring success for the tapeworm community.

[Spoon of Ploff]

James studies the multitude of insect bites on his inflamed hands and arms. At least there's something out there that doesn't find him totally repulsive.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A cat ghost bokes a spectral furball

[Spoon of Ploff]

A radio five listener comtemplates what Robbie Savage means by 'real human people.'

[GentleJoshing]

Tourists video a seagull killing and devouring a pigeon in one of central London's Royal Parks

[the midnight watch baboon]

Niall crouches by his letterflap, awaiting the sweet succour of the Eynesbury Sluicer to choke-fuck his gaping wordhole.

[New Jack]

A female Swan has been found dead in the local park.

She is survived by four babies and her male partner. Swans mate for life.

A legend did it.

[Glebe]

A middle-aged amateur guitarist has a bash at becoming a travelling bluesman, but ends up in an alley in Missouri with the "What the fuck am I doing?' blues.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

The life and soul of a party - dead at the bottom of a well.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Neil Buchannan abseils down, slowly removes his clothes, arranges them to spell the word "CUNT" to the waiting punters above and is escorted and banned from his local Go Ape outdoor activity centre.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Grandad's panic responds to a Parkinson's diagnosis by pretending to be a washing machine.