Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[dex]

Toby's list of all time greatest things ever begins and ends with the bridge linking the Newport Pagnell service stations.

Intriguing. Go on....

[Spoon of Ploff]

That's all I've got. Sorry.

[dex]

That's all I've got. Sorry.

DESOLATION!

[Gregory Torso]

A hefty Tesco whinge bag instals two permanent robotic fingers inside her swarfega clunge so she can shop and frig at the same time.

[Gregory Torso]

A fucking idiot bursts the balloon Jesus during a church fête.

[Gregory Torso]

A police wombat wrongly identifies a lamppost as a paedophile.

[Gregory Torso]

A mouse caught in a glue-trap weakly squeaks along to the Animal Hospital music as it expires, praying for a Rolf that will never arrive

[petril]

devoid of meaninful human contact, an elderly Rolf Harris focuses on rodents instead. It's a welcome break from those big fuck off outback landscapes with the telegraph pole and the fence.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A UN goodwill ambassador is caught behind the flaps of the fair, fucking a waltzer generator.

[Gregory Torso]

Poundland security guard tweezers the heads of ticks out of his forearms as yet another rape occurs two aisles over where the Quavers are.

[Gregory Torso]

A Ugandan child postman finally delivers the summer 1998 Littlewoods catalogue to a munitions cubicle which is manned only by a tiny rusted skeleton.

[petril]

he shouts "paedo" at the guy for cockblocking his experimental efforts with this noncing thing

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Margaret Court goes scissoring with her Alsatian.

Death to gays, she exclaims throughout: Death to gays

[the midnight watch baboon]

A man catches his face on an abandoned hanging ball basket hook on Yarm high street

It rips clean off and spends weeks flipping and flapping in the wind whilst the crows peck at the zits and stains

No one sees yay so he spends the day working at his station, skull face sluicing pink blood and white snot

[dex]

A sobbing mong listening to Mwng.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Dennis is deemed a "traitor" and ostracised by the rest of the United Biscuits workforce after his wife accidentally puts one of the kids' Oreo snack packs in his lunch.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Where now for giant baby Trump balloon?

[the midnight watch baboon]

A plimsoll is rejected by its peers.

[pancreas]

A Ugandan child postman finally delivers the summer 1998 Littlewoods catalogue to a munitions cubicle which is manned only by a tiny rusted skeleton.

+1

Margaret Court goes scissoring with her Alsatian.

Death to gays, she exclaims throughout: Death to gays

+1

[Twit 2]

An Indian restaurant is closed down for serving collapsed lampshades as poppadums.

An uncultured Australian refuses to buy his wife balsamic vingegar because 'I'm not facking queer, woman'.

A professor of rectal studies is sacked for making replicas of colleagues' arses for his own amusement.

On a factory tour, a 7 year old who thinks drinking Vimto will turn their piss purple is ground into a pulp of the desired colour by one of the company's reversing lorries.

A bollock-faced virgin gurns in a shed.

[petril]

Two-nil down and it's half past four. We'll be relegated by March. You're coming next Saturday, aye?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A patrol leader in NONCE JUSTICE POWYS gets all gravy down his shirt

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

An aggressive Malaysian finally has success with his chat up line "YOU THERE, WOMAN"

[the midnight watch baboon]

Jeremoquai does his shuffly dance straight into the open arms of the pube filter in his broken steam room.

[Dannyhood91]

A well meaning imp of a man tries to circumcise his dog with a tin opener

[Dannyhood91]

Paul Ross imatates a rotisserie chicken

[Dannyhood91]

Auditioning for The Voice and instead of singing you argue that you've been erroneously given a parking ticket and you're here to fight it on principle.

[Gregory Torso]

Two barren spinsters fight over the last pair of blue eyes in a Build-A-Baby workshop.

[Gregory Torso]

Gimpy husband worming along through his bungalow, following a trail of musk to the bathroom where his doddering old mantis-faced wife is swapping acid reflux with the 22-stone James Corden laugh-alike from next door

[Cuntbeaks]

A child's first meal consists of a liquidised Farmfoods Mince Round and chippy chips.

The beanbag mother drinks the majority of it.