Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Karl really really would love to be "a bender" but his willy always goes soft and his bum accepts nothing and he is immediately sick upon the sight of someone else's erection. His liver and thorax are later discovered in a sick bag near the entrance to a dark matter research facility.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Gav from Bawtry Retail Solutions gets a letter from Readers Digest confirming he is now Thain of Glamis.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

"Know what goes wi' burgers?" says Moira.

"what" says Racquel

"Dog"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

An Andrex puppy is kicked across a rec ground by a people trafficking gnome. The weird thing is it keeps running back to him.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

After his son clearly can't manage the bike without stabilisers and ploughs sideways into a bottle bank, Darren the world's greatest dad (with mug to prove it) orders him to now have to learn "in your pants"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Leominster's town epigram changes to "When life gives you Leominster, make Leominsternade"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A racist cartoonist says "Dgur Swiss Charley" after being challenged on all the hundreds of racism.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The blackest evening, the tremulous twilight, the sepulchral dawn, the hearse, the service, the wake, the unbroken terror, the maw of grief, the flagellating corrosive despair. Ooh, a Toffo.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A canada goose hisses at then attacks The Last Tommy.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The cheat codes for WWF Smackdown for the PS One are read out solemnly and verbatim at a remembrance service in Rotherham for a mostly forgotten clerk.

RT, X, O, X, < - Restore Health

"If only", Auntie Jean remarks. "If only".

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A fire warden at an ailing chip factory self-immolates to test the reactions of his colleagues. They hate him so he is left to burn to death.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A troubled glazier always includes a piece of himself in every fitting. Not long left for ol Geoff, he thinks. Not long left now at all. He surveys the car park of Asda Living and his mind drowns.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Due to cutbacks Jill will have to go to work today without a fragment of her soul, now obliterated and lost forever. Still, she runs an unethical pawnbrokers so quite frankly, fuck her.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

While eight milennials coo at a pug, thousands of miles away the deleterious cast-offs of their feckless consumer lifestyle are flytipped onto a crab reserve.

[PlanktonSideburns]

 menage a-battoir

[Pingers]

Cocaine starts coming in packets saying things like "This product was hand-trafficked to you by José, aged 12, from La Paz. By purchasing this product you are helping José's 10 year old sister stay out of prostitution for another 2 years until José is shot in the face in an ICE raid".

[buttgammon]

There's something in the air.

It's the smell of shit.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Stan's mindblowing egg farts are captured by the CIA and repurposed. Come November he boasts down the pub about how his very own arse gas is used to strip the skin from Yemeni children. Two or three are quite impressed.

[Ferris]

The last millennial is mathematically priced-out of the property market.

[petril]

Jean-Marie Deletraz does the launch for new cereal Mueslesque

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

During a debate about fantasy dinner parties, Dave from Crowle declares he would "absolutely love" being at a dinner where the world's "acest" mass executioners discuss their techniques.

[Spoon of Ploff]

The surviving cast of Porridge are drafted into a celebrity XI team for a charity football match.

The orphans end up dying of gut rust anyway.

[Pingers]

Doncaster and Rotherham band together and vow to recreate Britain in their own image.

[Twit 2]

A tapir's marriage fall apart.

[Glebe]

A drum roll, before a disembodied cock flies 90 metres across a field.

[Pingers]

A thirsty stray dog laps from the communal village spunk bucket, which overflows now there is no-one to empty it since the Chuckle Brothers were driven out.

[PlanktonSideburns]

A drum roll, before a disembodied cock flies 90 metres across a field.

Gave me the chuckles

[PlanktonSideburns]

A weak owl pellet broth does not a wedding cake make

Thinks Ian Tindale, far too late.

[seepage]

Ian projectile-vomits warm prosecco and frozen-in-the-middle chicken wing all over Barnaby, 5

[pancreas]

Gave me the chuckles

Something of the Monty Python about it. I also liked it.