Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[petril]

a walk home through an industrial estate in the sodium yellow street lights. drizzle. Tuesday night. Fucking no score draw, as usual.

[Twit 2]

12 weeks' intensive anus dilation causes a man's intestines to splatter the A14 after an unsuccessful attempt at farting the McDonald's whistle theme.

[Twit 2]

At a poorly attended press conference a pimpled Royal Navy commissary is forced to concede that the Queen's new ship is powered from the blood of skull-fucked babies.

[dex]

A stoat sized turd is fished out of a blocked toilet bowl and is re-purposed as a door stop at Thompson's cardboard box factory.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

He pulls out all the teeth in his skull to make a necklace for his not existent wife.

[dex]

A tired and emotional Christopher Morris can't be arsed to make any new material.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A project manager's inherent love of raping magpies is rekindled by a chance viewing of Shrek 3

[Spoon of Ploff]

As part of a nostalgia trip Pete returns to the town where he grew up. He visits the orchard on Shadey Lane, to see if the apple tree where he and his first love carved their names is still standing. He finds the inscription has survived all these years, albeit with one slight modification.

[Clownbaby]

A tired and emotional Christopher Morris can't be arsed to make any new material.

:(

[petril]

A cartel of florists chuckles that the closest anyone got was discredited conspiracy waffle about the Duke of Edinburgh

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Robbie Williams decides to try a de hippedy hop

[Paul Calf]

Ian projectile-vomits warm prosecco and frozen-in-the-middle chicken wing all over Barnaby, 5

I read that as 'Iran...'.

[Pingers]

On a visit to your favourite Nan, she declares she has always found you to be "a proper cunt"

[the midnight watch baboon]

The sound of the wind is replaced by Chris Martin going AHHHHWAHHHHHWAHHHHWOAHHHHHHHH

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Alan calls his imaginary spaceship ALAN 5

[pancreas]

At gunpoint, a concert pianist is forced to play Michael Nyman for five hours.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A SEASIDE mafioso pins a crime on a donkey.

[seepage]

Simon tries to pin the tail on the funky

[Dannyhood91]

Spiking your own drink so you can see what a hospital looks like.

[Dannyhood91]

Converting a WAV file to Islam

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The man who does demeaning impressions of people does a really demeaning impression of the way the elderly paedophile in his Idaho NAMBLA branch masturbates.

[New Jack]

A woman has a fireman fetish, so sets an orphanage alight

[Fishfinger]

Following an undeserved parking ticket, Wrexham's most powerful warlock unleashes 'the mother of all Twitterstorms.'

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Piles of nan's shit = personal effects

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Vomiting the pet of a guy you just met

That's amoré

[New Jack]

An old couple come to the pub just to watch the end of the football transfer window

(from my Reality Series ®)

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

An old couple come to the pub just to watch the end of the football transfer window

(from my Reality Series ®)

I laughed but then thought of the even more depressing reality that many people will specifically be having a "big night in" to watch it. At least the above folk have got out of the house.

[the midnight watch baboon]

the Rotherham Shrike claims his third ^mannequin victim.

"Give it a rest, Barry," mutters the River Island area manager.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A woman with a severe expression submits that "Life Is A Rollercoaster" carries an overt pro-rape message.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Third Rate Third Rate Dad

I whant to be
A third rate dad