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Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, April 16, 2018, 01:49:39 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A stalwart pub regular receives his own plaque. Mind you, it always builds up after a few pints, causing godawful halitosis.

Gregory Torso

"Eddie Stobart drives shit lorries and fancies his own kids."

Long Distance Clara goes down in flames on her last day at work.

Gregory Torso

A couple of Lowestoft paedofolk cut each other's hair in the predawn light before embarking on a dirty rampage through Primark's back-to-school section.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Pingers on September 04, 2018, 08:41:13 AM
Analingus with Nicholas Witchell while he lists the achievements of minor royals

Not far off the story i have about Nick.

Passive-aggressively chiding your flaccid penis back into its dark crevice.

Cuellar

"Call that a dick?!", roars the vicar.

You vow to get your infant son an appointment at the cock surgeon first thing tomorrow.


Pingers

Nigel's mid-life crisis begins with him realising his tits are now bigger than his wife's

Glebe

Roger Deacon punches a gopher to spite Brian May. Closest thing to a badger at hand.

Pingers

A quiet loner, whose neighbours only know to say "hello" to, scopes out a local beauty spot popular with dog walkers.

Glebe

Peter from Aldridge slams two ounce of wild geese into the back of a dustbin.

BlodwynPig

Aslan from the Lion, Witch and Wardrobe, emaciated and zig-zagging in Batley's new Indoor Safari centre

Shoulders?-Stomach!

An "absolute fuckface" (not my words, the words of Croydon Council) writes a poison pen letter to an egg.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

The direct descendant of Napoleon III is barred from Twitter for contravening site policy.

Pingers

Dave's boss gives him the new project he will be heading up. "I want you to sell Lincolnshire as a global tourist destination"

BlodwynPig

Post-Brexit Britain. High streets across the land are empty shells. Martin finds shelter in a branch of Halifax, using a cardboard cut-out Top Cat for kindling and a Fozzie Bear puppet for gruel.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

The direct descendant of Napoleon III is barred from Flaming Grill, Alwoodley for "dress code".

Pingers

Adults and toddlers titter and sing as a man smashes ducklings with a hammer as part of Welcome to Lincolnshire Week

dex

Quote from: Pingers on September 05, 2018, 02:12:21 PM
Adults and toddlers titter and sing as a man smashes ducklings with a hammer as part of Welcome to Lincolnshire Week

Beautiful.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A CaBer passes by Savile's grave

"Enjoy the last twitches of the kids, corpse"

Pingers

Elsewhere in Welcome to Lincolnshire Week, a game of Pin the Crime on the Gypsy is well underway. Thanks to enthusiastic participation by locals, three 'furriners' are being held in the village pound in Heckington, accused of curdling milk, 'being taller than a calf' and 'egginess'. They await judgement from Clive, Heckington's chief goose and Brexit champion.

Gregory Torso

Just minutes after asking "who the fuck is Morrissey?" a woman's head falls off in Woolworths rifle department.

petril

a non league referee doubles the time wasted by jogging 40 yards to wave a yellow card to a goalkeeper for dawdling over a goal kick. it's a league game. the two sides will finish 11th and 12th anyway. He wishes he could've spent his winter Saturdays getting into Mortal Kombat instead, his hazy thoughts of Kano taking names obscuring the view of some shirt pulling. It would've ended 1-1 either way.

Duncan falls over his own socks as he scrambles toward the toilet. Doesn't make it in time.

Pingers

"I'd like to cum in your sock" is ratified as a bona fide chat-up line by the National Chat-up Line Congress.

Mr Eggs

Cum sock sharing app blamed for collapse of entire UK fishing industry.

metaltax

Madeleine McCann fails to post the letter explaining everything because, yet again, she has no stamps in her purse.

Tikwid

Quote from: Gregory Torso on September 04, 2018, 03:16:32 PM
Long Distance Clara goes down in flames on her last day at work.
Seventies proggers Yes criticised for attempts to "personify" their songs (other new versions including Mike of the Sunrise and The Revealing Science of Dave)

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A bankrupt sommelier describes "mouthfeel" as being one of his qualities on a dating profile.


Ferris

The rain, in Spain, falls mainly on Kevin.

dex

A real life desolation story:

A hormonal lady (my mrs) passes by a Lloyds bank advertisement depicting a Down's syndrome lad next to some flamboyant stallions. Seeing it makes her tearful.