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Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, April 16, 2018, 01:49:39 PM

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pancreas


Mr Eggs

Scat darts in the care home.

£47500 in the pot.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Pingers on September 16, 2018, 10:08:09 PM
David Attenborough gasses the moles that are fucking up his lawn.

Read that as glasses. Imagining him on his hands and knees over a molehill with half a bottle of castelo diabolo in a bleeding hand, rain dripping off his nose, waiting

Come on you little fuckers, come to daddy

Pingers


Gregory Torso

Watching Countryfile in a stiflingly hot hospice room with the husk of the woman who used to beat you with a cricket bat as a child, and neither of you can find the remote control, and neither of you can find Jesus.

Gregory Torso

A bored shark-eyed toddler throws a boar's scapula through the windscreen of his dad's Nissan Rubicon, proudly hoisting his first erection.

Gregory Torso

Two moorhens having joyless sex on a hoard of defrosting oven chips.

Gregory Torso

UNH UHN.. Five guys... gotta have a Five Guys, UNGH... bnurgers... us want a FIVE GUYS... everyone, now, to Five Guys

Icehaven

On my local area Buy Sell Swap facebook page:
"Three year old son's birthday coming up soon..don't see him but best get something. Anybody got any toys/gifts. Cheap as possible.
Thanks."

Twit 2


Pingers

On one of his new alcohol-free days, Adrian Chiles achieves enough clarity to realise that with his looks and talent he'd never have been allowed to front a prime time TV show if he was a woman. Has a whisky to take the edge off that.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

^ that tru-life one of icehaven's is grim

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A concertina effect is redefined when Concert Tina barfs down a tuba.

the midnight watch baboon

Wanker heron wallows around a little old oil slick just so he can pretend to be the heron reaper when his nan comes round.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Derek watches his son cavorting dangerously close to some cliffs.

No. Don't intervene, he tells himself. The die is cast.

pancreas

'But I'm not actually dead!'

'Bit late for all that now, mate. Next time, say something a bit sooner, yeah?'

BlodwynPig

A cloistered monk rage quits the monastery due to years of campanology abuse but kills himself upon finding out they don't show Dark Towers or Wordy in the mornings anymore in the outside world.

the midnight watch baboon


Berthas Fat Leg


Spoon of Ploff

Theresa May: The Final Days Weeks Months

BlodwynPig

The Guardian, May 2019.

"As Britain Leaves Europe with No Deal, We Say "Three Cheers for Theresa May - Britain's Greatest Post-War PM""

The Morning Star, May 2019.

"As Britain Leaves Europe with No Deal, We Say "Three Cheers for Theresa May - Britain's Greatest Post-War PM""

dex

Mark shits himself on the drive home from work. The drive is nothing out of the ordinary. Traffic/weather conditions were clement. He just couldn't be bothered to pull in to somewhere to go and use a lavatory. The hell with these outmoded, Victorian values.

His Montego will never be the same, no matter how many alpine air fresheners are hung on the rear view mirror. Needs new chinos also.

Pingers

You have a wank and the spunk coalesces into an amorphous, ectoplasmic entity called Ian who floats about behind you for the rest of your life. Wherever you go, Ian goes. In important situations like job interviews he'll chip in with "He spunked me out once, you know. Ignore him, he's a twat."

dex

Owen Jones treads in dog shit. Brogues absolutely disowned now.

Twit 2

A 39 page desolation thread runs out of steam.

the midnight watch baboon

A 39-minute steamer runs out of Des O'Connor.

Ferris

A 64 page desolation thread gathers more steam.

The hamster only runs on the wheel because it feels threatened and anxious. Grinning and hooting children fuel it's anxiety from outside the cage, big pudgy fingers getting pushed through bars.


Snorts a line of wotsit dust out of curiosity.

Not as good as skips dust.

A asteroid reduced to the size of a pea by earth's atmosphere pops through Keith's head just as he's about to have his first kiss.