Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[Spoon of Ploff]

Due to a logistics oversight Simon Slavegrover's frozen urine sculptures arrive at the Tate modern as a puddle of piss. They're left in a bucket in the Turbine Hall just in case.

[petril]

a 97 page desolation thread starts being funny again, but it's diminishing returns

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Ruth wonders if she can grout her hand to the wall. The answer comes back: A resounding Yes.

[Cuellar]

A Jehovah's Witness shift supervisor tells a young devotee to "push her tits up a bit" when handing out leaflets on the street.

[pancreas]

BlodwynPig writes the ultimate desolation post. It is the last ever, since whoever reads it is compelled to suicide.

[Spoon of Ploff]

It turns out the desolation threads were all just a plan by the deep state so we're all too jaded to care or even notice when they make life 110% more shit for everyone.

[pancreas]

It turns out BlodywinPig was all just a plan by the deep state so we're all too jaded to care or even notice when they make life 110% more shit for everyone.

[Cuellar]

Egg-white omelette made of cum

[petril]

Junior Simpson launches an "it's a deep state plot" rumour in an attempt to cover for how he's harvesting other people's work to use for material

[pancreas]

An agouti decided to crack open your nuts.

[The Bumlord]

'Tis the Second Coming. Jesus materialises in a provincial shopping centre and is immediately mocked for his "poof sandals".

[Huxleys Babkins]

Russell Grant tearfully tries to end it all by overdosing on Smarties washed down with a 2l bottle of R Whites.

[Ferris]

Russell Grant tearfully tries to end it all by overdosing on Smarties washed down with a 2l bottle of R Whites.

Laughing to myself on the bog at work. Look mental now.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

One year on from his life-saving liver transplant, Peter is awoken by a noise in the bedroom. Turning on the bedside lamp he sees a woman with a young boy and girl.

"We're here to visit my late husband's liver." says the woman, while laying out a set of butcher's knives.

[petril]

a schoolsworth of kids gets the morning off to watch an impromptu gig by Aqua Velvas

[PlanktonSideburns]

My Dad Wrote a Porno to lead brexit negotiations

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A "git" descends...

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Meet the Connolly family with their dog Petey. By day he's the family pet, by night he's the local sheep worrying champion.

[The Bumlord]

Ronald, longtime resident of Hove dementia ward, spits a torrent of racial abuse at the nice West Indian nurse.

Doesn't really have dementia, just likes an excuse.

[petril]

a doorstep domestic argument crescendoes with "AT LEAST I'M NOT DAVID BADDIEL"

[Cuellar]

Sausage, rape, and chips please.

[Fishfinger]

Sausage, rape, and chips please.

You'll have to wait for the chips.

[dex]

Sebastian Cobb used to work with an ex-Longbridge worker who was offered cheap seconds from Cadbury as someone's wife worked there or something. He gave them a tenner thinking he'd get some slabs of fruit and nut on the cheap just in time for Christmas. He got a bin bag full of unwrapped chocolate and had to lug it home on the bus.

[Ferris]

^haha

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

A long term unemployed man treads dogshit into the office of the first dead cert job interview he's had in years.

[Twit 2]

Slop, sliding down the walls of your ailing farm. You'd like to address it but your tongue is too dry for summoning. All winter long you've sat, counting the creaks in your broken chair and ruing the coming day, and now your knees are obviated, never to work again to your satisfaction, not like they were in your prime -  when you could kneel in knotweed and inhale the dawn, ingest the sun itself before breathing it back onto all you saw, like the maiden in the lane whose hair trapped the beams and held them there for your delight, until you would arrange her among the hay and sing kisses over her form that would match the stars' burning. Your knees are gone and so is she - she took the barn with her and its light and all you're left with is husks. You're just as strewn, though your pallor not as gold.

Oh dear, seems you've shat yourself an' all.

[BlodwynPig]

Acorn Stairlifts - Regain the freedom of your home
DBeasyB - The perfect fit for wider feet
Dolphin Bathing - Bathe in luxury, comfort and safety once again!
Psychic Sofa - the best psychics and mediums in the uk, 80p per minute
Gay chat - 13p per minute
Listen to Lucy - 35p per minute

George closes the TV mag and logs into his bank account

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A teacher spends her summer holidays as a "pissmop" for a depraved haulier.

[dex]

A well to do operations manager has a "carnal experience" with a fax machine. HR give him a pass.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

When she promised him "all of my tomorrows" on their wedding day, she didn't mean it. She had no intention of giving him her yesterdays either.