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Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, April 16, 2018, 01:49:39 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis holds up a queue in Debenhams while they try to redeem some vouchers from a competition on the back of a cereal box in 2003. Martin assures everyone that "I could wait here all day".

Shoulders?-Stomach!

While brainstorming advice for making relationship savings Martin Lewis comes up with "save on blowies by getting a woman to do them voluntarily via a negotiated reciprocal arrangement"

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis wakes up covered in traveller's cheques. The moisture from his clammy night terror has invalidated many of them. He opens up a great roar into the spectral ether.

Later on he Googles his own name to see if there is any way out of sustaining a permanent financial loss.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Because a supermarket trolley won't give Martin Lewis his "favourite" pound coin back, he walks home with it claiming "I have clearly now legally purchased it". He brags about it on Instagram but very soon the police are round. He vows not to forget this and five years later he pins some cheesewire along a thoroughfare.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Cinema staff bust Martin Lewis for having a bomber jacket filled to the brim with cheaper food he purchased not half an hour ago with some cereal packet vouchers.

"This is legal!", He protests. "What law am I breaking?"

"Sir, you either eat them outside or bin them here"

He eats them outside. He attempts to access a 20% refund for having missed the first 10% of the film. He is unsuccessful but hopeful of winning a payout on appeal which includes recompense for his own time following the matter up.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis spends Boxing Day trying to work out if you can access financial relief if your parakeet dies in the first few days of its purchase. It is perfectly healthy.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis' top tip for a premium hand car wash that doesn't cost the Earth is "Kosovans"

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis stakes out the area manager of Heron with night vision goggles he got "for being Martin Lewis".

It's Jurassic Park, he tells himself over and over again. It's just like Jurassic Park.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis gleefully informs his prating assembly of drool-caked savings droids that "it may be limited to five bags of icing sugar per customer, but what's to stop your partner going in after you? Ten bags right there. Your sister? Fifteen bags. Your brother? Twenty bags. That's fifteen up on the deal already. Your golf caddy? Twenty five bags. Your dad? Thirty. And so on. And the best thing? If stored properly icing sugar lasts indefinitely, which is posh for forever".

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis notices the customs official taking a second glance at his emergency travel document (long story).

Lewis smirks. "Yes, that's right. I am he."

It is Montenegro. Darko has no idea who this fucking cunt thinks he is.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis lingers at the close of Reading Festival, "because we all love a free tent don't we savers".

No-one else is close by or listening to him.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

During a power cut Lewis tells his family "we are legally entitled to power" and his family shout in unison to shut the fuck up.

He skulks off to find new outrages in the Swindon gloom.

Norton Canes

#2742
Katie removes the Sainsbury's Taste The Difference Belgian Chocolate Fudge Cake from its box and lovingly unwraps the cellophane. She's been waiting five days for this, it's been hidden at the back of the cupboard all the while the relatives have been staying, and now they're finally gone she can enjoy it all on her own. Delicately she unfastens and peels the cardboard strip from the cake's circumference and places it on the kitchen table. But oh, in doing so she loses her grip on the cake itself, fumbles it and sees it drop to the floor. It rolls across the lino and settles upside-down on the other side of the kitchen. And because the kitchen floor is so fucking filthy, with cat hairs everywhere, it's in no state to be rescued.

Still, thinks Katie, after regarding the scene with horror... at least I can still scrape the icing off the cardboard strip from around the cake's circumference. But turning round she sees her cat has mounted the kitchen table and licked most of it away. 

dex

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 30, 2018, 06:07:32 AM
During a power cut Lewis tells his family "we are legally entitled to power" and his family shout in unison to shut the fuck up.

He skulks off to find new outrages in the Swindon gloom.

Bloody hell, Shoulders! You could start a whole new thread/world of Martin Lewis' adventures in desolation land. (C) dex.

Twit 2

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 30, 2018, 06:04:52 AM
Martin Lewis lingers at the close of Reading Festival, "because we all love a free tent don't we savers".

No-one else is close by or listening to him.

I laughed.

Twit 2

"Say what you like about gulags, opines Martin Lewis through a faceful of out-of-date Asda sausage rolls, "they certainly made some savings!"

Pingers

The Slovakian government finally bows to pressure and allows the creation of a gay quarter in the capital city, but insists on it being named Battyslava

Twit 2

An Indian restaurant reopens after cleaning out its cockroach-infested poppadum warmer.

(Scroll down for pics: https://www.edp24.co.uk/news/politics/diss-tandoori-reopens-following-cockroach-infestation-1-5834628)


Shoulders?-Stomach!

After refusing to accept return of a half eaten Mars Ice Cream (minor defect on wrapper) Martin Lewis informs the store manager of BestOne in Pudsey that, "I will break you."

Fishfinger

A lackluster butter dog is tossed from a 50th floor suite, yelping all the way.

batwings

The New Year sees an Eddie-Large-faced spinster put renewed energy into the whole drinking herself to death on Lidl vodka thing.

A Robin twitches and expires in a mousetrap in a cunt's bird bath.




Shoulders?-Stomach!

Martin Lewis finds that Energy Drink doesn't give dead parents energy, or indeed life.

Ferris

A man spends his New Year's Day googling Martin Lewis.

dex

Martin Lewis decides to get off his cunt on premium strength lager. Tesco value lager, readers!!

Cuntbeaks

Martin Lewis joins a Barbershop Quartet that turns out to be a front for Chemsex parties.

One 'practise session' later and his arsehole is left in tatters.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Took me ages to work out there wasn't supposed to be any consumer rights angle in your post.

buttgammon

Ahh, but this is Martin Lewis the former newsreader.

Cuntbeaks

Martin Lewis goes to cut his lawn with his new, bargain, petrol lawnmower.

Instead, he huffs the petrol until he begins to hallucinate that Monty Don is helping him sort used scratchcards.

He eventually vomits all down his Craghopper 3/4 length shorts.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: Cuntbeaks on January 02, 2019, 02:22:31 AM
Martin Lewis goes to cut his lawn with his new, bargain, petrol lawnmower.

Instead, he huffs the petrol until he begins to hallucinate that Monty Don is helping him sort used scratchcards.

He eventually vomits all down his Craghopper 3/4 length shorts.

Is this Martin Lewis the consumer rights champion or Martin Lewis the former newsreader?

Fishfinger

Police attend a house to find a 'quite embarrassed' man throwing furniture at a spider, alone.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/jan/02/australian-man-screaming-at-spider-why-dont-you-die-triggers-full-police-response

(from the end of the article. it is not reported whether his name was Martin Lewis or not.)