Author Topic: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains  (Read 67922 times)

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
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Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2760 on: January 02, 2019, 01:55:23 PM »
After an exhaustive 8 month hunt in Llandudno, Martin Lewis finally executes, cooks and then eats the seagull that stole the flake off his ice cream in April 2018.

It's disgusting and his energy is only sustained by cruel guffaws as he mocks the various pieces of seagull matter that are making difficult transit through his body.

He tweets the sweat, dribble and pus oozing from his crazed visage with the strapline "The consumer ALWAYS wins."

That, he remarks, is Justice.

Cuntbeaks

  • Guess who's coming to dinner?
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2761 on: January 02, 2019, 02:01:38 PM »
Martin Lewis emails himself for some consumer advice regarding a poorly fitted cat flap.

He doesn't respond.

Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2762 on: January 02, 2019, 04:49:31 PM »
You smell like diarrhea. Your dad eats gravy with everything. You were hatched from a dog egg. He's done crying himself to sleep. The motorway bridge railing is a hard, cold climb for his little legs and hands, but he manages it, eventually.

Spoon of Ploff

  • visitors are welcome to Sheerness
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2763 on: January 03, 2019, 09:09:38 AM »
A Radio 5 Live montage.

Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2764 on: January 03, 2019, 09:38:29 AM »
You smell like diarrhea. Your dad eats gravy with everything. You were hatched from a dog egg. He's done crying himself to sleep. The motorway bridge railing is a hard, cold climb for his little legs and hands, but he manages it, eventually.

That is horrendous. Keep up the good work.

Pingers

  • With the ill behaviour
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2765 on: January 03, 2019, 06:35:18 PM »
Having been returned under the company's no quibble returns policy (not completely satisfied), an Ann Summers Anal Training Kit (£24.99) is given a wipe down and put back on the shelf.

Alternative version: Martyn Lewis tries to return an Anal Training Kit (£24.99) to Ann Summers and is told to explain why he is not completely satisfied.

Pingers

  • With the ill behaviour
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2766 on: January 03, 2019, 07:05:21 PM »
Mid-way through his 10,000th internet post about plot holes in a Star Wars film, 46 year old Wookie_66 realises it was just made for kids.

Glebe

  • So here we are, then.
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2767 on: January 03, 2019, 07:15:24 PM »
Tim Wonnacott tosses a rotten lunch banana into a baby's carriage.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2768 on: January 03, 2019, 07:29:06 PM »
A waning Paul Ross demands a "full bell pic" before he will have his anus anywhere near it. "You heard".

dex

  • Maybe, but there again maybe not.
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2769 on: January 04, 2019, 05:00:25 PM »
Ainsley Harriot serves up Rustlers burgers at a Rhyl burger van. Vaporwave plays on a shitty mobile phone speaker to perk things up.

dex

  • Maybe, but there again maybe not.
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2770 on: January 04, 2019, 05:04:04 PM »
Martin Lewis is in Rhyl and holds up the queue at Ainsley's  burger van for 45 minutes, arguing that he bought the burger in the belief it was grilled. As it is a Rustlers burger, it is microwaved and as such Martin has full licence to request a refund in his own mind.

"You're finished, pal. No amount of being a meme will protect you now!"

"You can fuck off, mate."

dex

  • Maybe, but there again maybe not.
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2771 on: January 04, 2019, 05:09:41 PM »
"Excuse me, mate!"

You turn your head around only to have Paul Ross expertly slap his cock round your mush.

Only went out for a bloody walk!

dex

  • Maybe, but there again maybe not.
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2772 on: January 04, 2019, 05:14:22 PM »
Keith's only half happy moment of the 21st century was his dream of being dressed up as a Japanese school girl and being struck by businessmen wielding briefcases. Keith is woken up by a Virgin Media engineer shaking his head and wagging a finger.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2773 on: January 04, 2019, 05:16:27 PM »
Keith's only half happy moment of the 21st century was his dream of being dressed up as a Japanese school girl and being struck by businessmen wielding briefcases. Keith is woken up by a Virgin Media engineer shaking his head and wagging a finger.

Laughed.

Cuntbeaks

  • Guess who's coming to dinner?
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2774 on: January 05, 2019, 12:07:06 AM »
A hated step-child grubs about under the fridge for dropped Cheerios.

A man has his head bashed in with a can of Asda chicken soup following a disagreement about the best way to make Smash.

A woman with Bells Palsy cries into a handful of losing scratchcards whilst watching a Bullseye marathon on a 14" CRT TV in Blackpool.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2775 on: January 05, 2019, 09:19:07 AM »
A Japonaise who shits through a slit in her side asks a stranger to hold her colostomy bag as she ascends 862 steps of Köln cathdral. Halfway up he can feel freshly excreted contents between his hands.

Fankoo Aran

"...no worries love"


Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2776 on: January 05, 2019, 09:24:14 AM »
A sauropterygian beast of the briny has to repeat "plesiosaur, not pleasuresaur" during being raped by a megadon, but the only sounds that emerge are crushed squeaks in the deep.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2777 on: January 05, 2019, 09:26:05 AM »
A bald fat woman from Tilburg who mostly watches darts and farts reckons she could sort all this immigrant shit out in like an hour. But deep down she is pleased to see her fisted gunt trending on xhamster.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2778 on: January 05, 2019, 09:29:34 AM »
A Balinese wellness guru grabs a Ferrari dealer by the throat with a flick-knife. He secures the glovebox upgrade he desires. Martin Lewis views the scene from afar, taking notes.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2779 on: January 05, 2019, 11:43:34 AM »
A hellmouth is identified at Prague-Holesovice Metro station but this as it would cause onerous administration work to resolve it is just sort of left. 3 months later a coal-caked Paul Daniels emerges through the pit and snaps the knuckles of the nearest gay, promising "more of that to come"

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2780 on: January 05, 2019, 11:45:51 AM »
A genderqueer fashion-tyrant declares she has "done Milan" after a brief circuit around the centre between Ubers.

That's Milan, Shropshire.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2781 on: January 05, 2019, 11:48:12 AM »
Gary 2 Watford 0

Pingers

  • With the ill behaviour
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2782 on: January 05, 2019, 12:08:51 PM »
A disabled nonce fingers a passing teenager with a phantom limb

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2783 on: January 05, 2019, 11:32:57 PM »
Having tasted the delicious Chelsea buns, Mary Berry congratulates herself on a creative use for her yeast infection.

petrilTanaka

  • Are we counting shites?
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2784 on: January 06, 2019, 10:00:12 AM »
a minor celebrity, famous in the 90s, dies twenty years after failing to fulfill a promise to emigrate if Them Lot got back in government. The lazy cunt.

Berthas Fat Leg

  • Someone’s sitting there, mate
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2785 on: January 06, 2019, 11:07:27 AM »
And on that farm, he had ten sex workers, E-I-E-I-O.

Berthas Fat Leg

  • Someone’s sitting there, mate
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2786 on: January 06, 2019, 11:08:52 AM »
A dusty box of 70s childhood photos, none of the adults are smiling.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Baldness exposure gust
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2787 on: January 06, 2019, 08:01:24 PM »
An man's tactic of responding to all the allegations of sexual harassment at his tribunal by adding the remark "...like an absolute boss" after every charge is laid out is tedious at first, but after a while titters are heard behind the bench and he is cleared of all wrongdoing.

Sophie weeps in the stalls.

Pingers

  • With the ill behaviour
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2788 on: January 06, 2019, 08:43:20 PM »
It's especially irritating as he is actually Sophie's boss.

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains
« Reply #2789 on: January 06, 2019, 11:53:26 PM »
'Oh my god, that's Carole Cadwalladr … and it looks like … no … it looks like … she's eating … our cat … '