Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 08:46:14 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, April 16, 2018, 01:49:39 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

After an exhaustive 8 month hunt in Llandudno, Martin Lewis finally executes, cooks and then eats the seagull that stole the flake off his ice cream in April 2018.

It's disgusting and his energy is only sustained by cruel guffaws as he mocks the various pieces of seagull matter that are making difficult transit through his body.

He tweets the sweat, dribble and pus oozing from his crazed visage with the strapline "The consumer ALWAYS wins."

That, he remarks, is Justice.

Cuntbeaks

Martin Lewis emails himself for some consumer advice regarding a poorly fitted cat flap.

He doesn't respond.

Fishfinger

You smell like diarrhea. Your dad eats gravy with everything. You were hatched from a dog egg. He's done crying himself to sleep. The motorway bridge railing is a hard, cold climb for his little legs and hands, but he manages it, eventually.

Spoon of Ploff


Brian Freeze

Quote from: Fishfinger on January 02, 2019, 04:49:31 PM
You smell like diarrhea. Your dad eats gravy with everything. You were hatched from a dog egg. He's done crying himself to sleep. The motorway bridge railing is a hard, cold climb for his little legs and hands, but he manages it, eventually.

That is horrendous. Keep up the good work.

Pingers

Having been returned under the company's no quibble returns policy (not completely satisfied), an Ann Summers Anal Training Kit (£24.99) is given a wipe down and put back on the shelf.

Alternative version: Martyn Lewis tries to return an Anal Training Kit (£24.99) to Ann Summers and is told to explain why he is not completely satisfied.

Pingers

Mid-way through his 10,000th internet post about plot holes in a Star Wars film, 46 year old Wookie_66 realises it was just made for kids.

Glebe

Tim Wonnacott tosses a rotten lunch banana into a baby's carriage.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A waning Paul Ross demands a "full bell pic" before he will have his anus anywhere near it. "You heard".

dex

Ainsley Harriot serves up Rustlers burgers at a Rhyl burger van. Vaporwave plays on a shitty mobile phone speaker to perk things up.

dex

Martin Lewis is in Rhyl and holds up the queue at Ainsley's  burger van for 45 minutes, arguing that he bought the burger in the belief it was grilled. As it is a Rustlers burger, it is microwaved and as such Martin has full licence to request a refund in his own mind.

"You're finished, pal. No amount of being a meme will protect you now!"

"You can fuck off, mate."

dex

"Excuse me, mate!"

You turn your head around only to have Paul Ross expertly slap his cock round your mush.

Only went out for a bloody walk!

dex

Keith's only half happy moment of the 21st century was his dream of being dressed up as a Japanese school girl and being struck by businessmen wielding briefcases. Keith is woken up by a Virgin Media engineer shaking his head and wagging a finger.

Ferris

Quote from: dex on January 04, 2019, 05:14:22 PM
Keith's only half happy moment of the 21st century was his dream of being dressed up as a Japanese school girl and being struck by businessmen wielding briefcases. Keith is woken up by a Virgin Media engineer shaking his head and wagging a finger.

Laughed.

Cuntbeaks

A hated step-child grubs about under the fridge for dropped Cheerios.

A man has his head bashed in with a can of Asda chicken soup following a disagreement about the best way to make Smash.

A woman with Bells Palsy cries into a handful of losing scratchcards whilst watching a Bullseye marathon on a 14" CRT TV in Blackpool.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A Japonaise who shits through a slit in her side asks a stranger to hold her colostomy bag as she ascends 862 steps of Köln cathdral. Halfway up he can feel freshly excreted contents between his hands.

Fankoo Aran

"...no worries love"


Shoulders?-Stomach!

A sauropterygian beast of the briny has to repeat "plesiosaur, not pleasuresaur" during being raped by a megadon, but the only sounds that emerge are crushed squeaks in the deep.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

A bald fat woman from Tilburg who mostly watches darts and farts reckons she could sort all this immigrant shit out in like an hour. But deep down she is pleased to see her fisted gunt trending on xhamster.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A Balinese wellness guru grabs a Ferrari dealer by the throat with a flick-knife. He secures the glovebox upgrade he desires. Martin Lewis views the scene from afar, taking notes.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A hellmouth is identified at Prague-Holesovice Metro station but this as it would cause onerous administration work to resolve it is just sort of left. 3 months later a coal-caked Paul Daniels emerges through the pit and snaps the knuckles of the nearest gay, promising "more of that to come"

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A genderqueer fashion-tyrant declares she has "done Milan" after a brief circuit around the centre between Ubers.

That's Milan, Shropshire.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Pingers

A disabled nonce fingers a passing teenager with a phantom limb

pancreas

Having tasted the delicious Chelsea buns, Mary Berry congratulates herself on a creative use for her yeast infection.

petril

a minor celebrity, famous in the 90s, dies twenty years after failing to fulfill a promise to emigrate if Them Lot got back in government. The lazy cunt.

Berthas Fat Leg

And on that farm, he had ten sex workers, E-I-E-I-O.

Berthas Fat Leg

A dusty box of 70s childhood photos, none of the adults are smiling.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

An man's tactic of responding to all the allegations of sexual harassment at his tribunal by adding the remark "...like an absolute boss" after every charge is laid out is tedious at first, but after a while titters are heard behind the bench and he is cleared of all wrongdoing.

Sophie weeps in the stalls.

Pingers

It's especially irritating as he is actually Sophie's boss.

pancreas

'Oh my god, that's Carole Cadwalladr ... and it looks like ... no ... it looks like ... she's eating ... our cat ... '