Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[Pingers]

Biology lab technician Alan slowly drops his trousers and resolves to find out just how tight a gnat's chuff actually is.

[Dannyhood91]

Shagging loads of cats over the weekend

[Gregory Torso]

A lollipop man's sad penis pays out a long, thick cable of semen across the road outside a school. Children use it as a skipping rope.

[poo]

A white dog shit full of undigested peas hits a century against England.

[Gregory Torso]

Piers Morgan discovers that his co-workers call him "Piss Gorgon" behind his back, and finds that he really, really likes that. He buys a cape and starts doing kegel exercises.

[Gregory Torso]

Your nan adopts a yorkshire terrorist and calls him "Tina".

[Gregory Torso]

Somewhere on the tundra, Ross Kemp whittles a squirrel into a peg and slams it through the ice sheet with a harsh cry.

[poo]

Chris Eubank joins the IRA.

[Gregory Torso]

A teacher takes a class of tantruming dwarves to a construction site to "get really deaf".

[poo]

Chico lays a mile of tarmac through Sherwood Forest

[Ferris]

"Arise, Sir Hamster 'The Richard' Hammond."

[Dannyhood91]

Tom Zanetti watches his mum fall to her death from the balcony of their flat and saying "o well nvr mind lol" and sitting down to eat 56 twixes.

[Ferris]

Your nan gets hustled at the bingo.

[Ferris]

A nun gets hassled with a banjo.

[Ferris]

Bit of real life deso from student days.

Using an unclean Fray Bentos tin as an ashtray and centre-piece of your living room for 3+ months, at the insistence of Steve from Middlesbrough.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Bit of real life deso from student days.

Using an unclean Fray Bentos tin as an ashtray and centre-piece of your living room for 3+ months, at the insistence of Steve from Middlesbrough.

Clatty bastard. We used a Heinz pudding tin.

[Ferris]

Clatty bastard. We used a Heinz pudding tin.

You can get way more cheap cig ends in the Bentos vessel.

Think on.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Oor Wullie has grown into a 62 year old man, but still wears dungarees and sits on his upturned bucket all day, staring vacantly into the middle distance.

[Sebastian Cobb]

A cashstrapped council brainstorm whether it's possible to make pauper's funerals part of the bulk uplift service.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Chico lays a mile of tarmac through Sherwood Forest

Laughed

[Pingers]

Your regular Hermes delivery driver keeps giving you weight loss tips, unbidden. It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't anorexic.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Your regular Hermes delivery driver keeps giving you weight loss tips, unbidden. It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't anorexic.

A Wakefield itinerant curls up and dies in a plastics recycling bin, irreversibly contaminating it's contents. These leads to the cancellation of a batch of 5,000 dildos, destined for the needy of Devon and Cornwall.

[derek stitt]

A wellington boot filled with cobwebs and daffodil bulbs is declared your legal gauardian. It nonces you up.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Johnny orders taramasalata for pudding.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Farooq eats all eggs like all eggs with the shell and everything mmm yummy yum yums

[pancreas]

Johnny orders taramasalata for pudding.

'Not until you've finished your McNuggets, Johnny.'

[Chollis]

Martin's got loads of little nuggets of shit stuck to his arse pubes again

[Ferris]

"A woman was banned from a local Walmart store after she spent several hours driving an electric shopping cart around the store's parking lot while drinking wine from a Pringles can."

At 9am.

https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/2019/01/14/texas-woman-drinking-wine-from-pringles-can-banned-from-walmart-store/ticSkjshSSJ1ci7cIx7JzK/story.html

[Charles Babbage]

A pilled up teenage girl snaps her neck perfectly in half attempting to accurately dance to a song being played at 1.5x speed on youtube. "Nice moves, lass" whispers the coroner into her bloody neck stump.

[Ferris]

The Pope outlaws dabbing.