Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[Ferris]

The Pope enthusiastically promotes dabbing.

[dex]

The Pope enthusiastically promotes dabbing.

In noncing...

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A Braintree admin assistant LARPing as Muriel of Redwall set her dog (LARPing as a different breed of dog) on an asylum seeker.

[pancreas]

Two ants are executed by their peers for 'gaying' the queen.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Septus IX is asked whether he preferred being a "persecuted gay man" or "finishing last on GeoGuessr"

His state of the art communications aid takes 44 years to process the answer by which time the person who asked the question is now soil.

[Lordofthefiles]

Gerry's adrenaline spikes and his stomach involuntarily tightens as he passes a bank of TV sets in Currys' window that are showing a news report which features a badly wrapped decomposing corpse of a child being dragged from the Praia da Luz harbour.

[dex]

Your sister drunkenly admits to noshing off Nick Griffin in the early 2000's.

[pancreas]

A mistimed pirouette causes a ballet troupe to descend into genocide.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A cat rejects Ian's plea for clemency. Then kills him.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Martin Lewis sues the manufacturer of a telescope after not being able to see "all the stars through it".

[Charles Babbage]

Martin Lewis tracks down and hits a musician with his car, after seeing her give an interview about how she wishes more people bought music instead of streaming it. "You should be happy with your cut from spotify - the consumer comes first!" he screams out the window before speeding away, but as he takes off he hears the meek cry of "...but I have a mortgage..." so he slams on the breaks, says to himself "now THAT I can help you with" winks to himself in the mirror and turns the car around.

[Pingers]

Geoffrey Boycott makes a sculpture of himself from his own faeces. "Every part of me is greatness", he says.

[the midnight watch baboon]

The phrase 'You got this' is used in the context of inciting a family drowning.

[Pingers]

Having to explain "assgasm" to the priest during confession.

[batwings]

Horrific press photos of badly-beaten pensioner, Enid Trunk, 86, give you the right horn. Turning to google images to feed your new fetish, the search box's autocomplete suggestions indicate yours is a well-trodden path.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Having to explain "assgasm" to the priest during confession.

While he gives you one.

[fortunepalace]

ONE PROPERTY FOUND IN YOUR PRICE RANGE:

Property Description:

Humble private room in great location near the city center. Walkable distance to Wenceslas square.

More information:

• DO NOT BOOK IF YOU MIND DOGS, DOG'S HAIR OR IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO DOGS! Dog hair is everywhere! Even on freshly washed bed sheets!

• The space is used during the day for commercial use - community center for dog owners and small shop.

• Weak devices can have problem with wi-fi connection. You can use them in shared living room where is better connection.

• NO WINDOWS IN THE ROOM!

[Pingers]

"It was freezing and everyone was just waking past this poor guy, like he didn't exist. So I stopped to talk to him and he told me that he just needed some money for a B&B for the night, and how the council won't help him, so I gave him a fiver. I mean, how difficult is it to help someone out a bit - what happened to showing a bit of basic humanity, some decency towards another human?"

As she is telling her friend this, Dave is slowly dying from the dodgy half wrap of heroin he used her fiver to buy, cut with fentanyl as it turns out. Just before he takes his last shuddering breath he thinks "She had cracking tits, that last one".

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I take bogeys, scabs, sweat, dandruff, piss, shit, cum, bile, saliva, ear wax, pus, and vomit and whittle the dried out dessicates into creatures of the deep for cash.

Who am I?

I'm Diane Louise Jordan!

[the midnight watch baboon]

An unusually raucous air con air change has Pete thinking of the lonely void his mother has recently passed into, but will never escape from.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

In the year 2063, matron has organised a noughties indie night as a special treat for the old folks in the home. After enjoying a trip down memory lane soundtracked by the heavenly sounds of the Pigeon Detectives, Little Man Tate, and The Enemy, the highlight of the evening is upon us - a live performance by none other than ...omg...The View!

As the cheering subsides, a wizened old Dundonian man hirples towards the microphone.  He clears his throat and manages to croak out "eh've had the same jeans on for fower days noo..." before promptly pissing himself.

[Charles Babbage]

Still In Stock: The Claudio Ranieri 2019 naked calendar! See the manager man you love, posing artistically next to to a different bald man named Lester in a different part of Fulham every month. Order before the end of January to get a free Polaroid of Darren Bent with a beach ball balanced on his erection. Stock remaining: 249997 of 250000

[Gregory Torso]

A bitter custody battle over a pair of Andy Murray's diarrhoea-autographed tennis shorts.

[Gregory Torso]

Jim Davidson and his henchmen messily bukkake a CPR dummy during some down time at a rape crisis benefit gig.

[Gregory Torso]

A dog with a leg for a tail that kicks itself in the arse everytime it's excited.

[batwings]

Conga at a Leper colony.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Russell Grant spends an entire £75 WH Smiths gift voucher on sixty eight soon-to-expire Cadbury selection boxes, a hunky fireman calendar and a pair of scissors.

[Pingers]

Russell Grant spends an entire £75 WH Smiths gift voucher on sixty eight soon-to-expire Cadbury selection boxes, a hunky fireman calendar and a pair of scissors.

While he is paying for all this, the till operative persuades him to buy some 'discounted' Dairy Milk

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Jim Davidson and his henchmen messily bukkake a CPR dummy during some down time at a rape crisis benefit gig.

Fucking hell

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A man with a face everyone agrees is "far from satisfactory" goes around hipster pubs clandestinely distributing nazi propaganda.