Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

[buttgammon]

December 2013. Your (my) Wirral Line train stops at Rock Ferry because the rails are frozen so you have to stand in the snow for an hour waiting for the rail replacement bus. When the bus finally arrives, a smelly Mormon sits next to you and spends the entire journey looking disapprovingly at the book you're reading.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

After an inhumane shite-ton of peasant's breakfast, Humboldt's already winnowing gastric perforations break fast.

[Huxleys Babkins]

A tearful Judith asks the clinic to dispose of Craig's frozen sperm after having the fourth Downs foetus in a row hoovered out of her.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A balloon with the details of Carl's one true erect penis measurement and home address lingers slowly in front of a popular panorama.

[Norton Canes]

A Desolation post ends up in the wrong thread

[PlanktonSideburns]

Bummed at Australian punk night AGAIN

[BlodwynPig]

An unused mop in an unused bucket in an unused janitor's cupboard in a boarded up school in a run down town.

Janitor was done for noncing on the first day of school, shot down the classroom, rampaged through town.

The mop becomes sentient, forced to reenact that day for time immemorial.

[Dannyhood91]

Returning to the barbers for years after you've lost all of your hair because you like the seats.

[Dannyhood91]

"How did the surgery go?"

"Brilliant I came three times 😍"

[Dannyhood91]

Storming out of an Italian restaurant because they won't let you eat your meal off the floor like a prick

[touchingcloth]

The letter confirming your son's leukaemia is written in Comic Sans.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A chip shop girl dies of passive heart disease.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A pickled egg hatches


An emojified gravestone


A club treasurer wears a pirate outfit to Spoons

17,000 unprocessed Christmas turkeys are fed to their bastard lonely children

[Sebastian Cobb]

Ejected from a Turkish restaurant on its opening night for smashing up the plates.

[touchingcloth]

A man named Chip is called "Chips" by all of his friends and colleagues, and they don't even realise they're in the wrong.

[derek stitt]

The Savile- Hitlers of Mozambique have basically ignored the last one hundred years and not for the reasons you think..... they died in 1923, Hahahahahahahahahaha. Some pun obsessed real ale drinkers halitosis told me this joke on the weekend.

[Spoon of Ploff]

The last photograph you will ever take will be an out of focus shot of a black bird on a bird bath.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Gareth demands a refund from Elite Singles after his date asks the waiter in Claridges if they "do cheesy chips".

[Spoon of Ploff]

Desolation V: The Oort Cloud

anyone?

[Dannyhood91]

Phil and Liz in the 69 position

[Sebastian Cobb]

[Ferris]

Desolation V: The Oort Cloud

anyone?

Desolation V: The Fetid Caverns

My final offer.

[Pingers]

I preferred Foetid Caves, that gets my vote.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A grave-weevil heaves a polyp from its ghast-wracked interior and goes to bed on a scratchcard

[Pingers]

Your intimate partner announces their intention to start measuring your GDP in the following areas: Economic Contribution, Domestic Contribution, Sexing. Also their intention to travel to Davos annually, with that person next door who they're a bit too flirty with, to analyse the data and discuss any remedial action required.

[batwings]

A zombie marriage stumbles around the Yeovil area for 8 years.

Scarborough news headline: Raffle win a change of luck for cot death couple?

A 48 year old incel gets blanked by the abyss.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A gymkhana is disrupted by a man going CHEERS DRIVEH

[pancreas]

Desolation V: No New Hope

[the midnight watch baboon]

A butcher makes wobble-lipped machine gun noises whilst deshouldering a lamb

[touchingcloth]

A teenager who has just sat his final A-Level exam happily skips over a pavement dog turd on the way home for his favourite lunch and in doing so has his head removed by a bus's wing mirror.