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Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, April 16, 2018, 01:49:39 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A gymkhana is significantly improved by a man walking in and going CHEERS DRIVEH

touchingcloth

A man spends an obscene amount of money on a dying man's underpriced Wurlitzer before gloating about his purchase to a forum of mentally ill bald men and women.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A televangelist receives a monthly residual of $0.56 after assisting in a porn scam

buttgammon


dex

Due to budget cuts and also to spare officers' feelings and the risk of going on long term sick, Michael receives a call from an automated service firstly telling him about all the benefits of having a Barclays ISA before informing him that his next of kin has died in a fatal RTC.

Days later the calls still come in because Michael failed to press 1 at the end of the recording to acknowledge the call was received.

(DESOLATION V: The Fecal Position)

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Spoon of Ploff


PlanktonSideburns


petril

he's changed his diet and now just eats crisps

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A depraved North Wales chef kicks a monkey and what remains of said primate's tract off a motorway bridge. Someone else can sort it out. He phones Sandór.

Pingers

Loved up, laid back party vibe ruined by arrival of ESSIX cunts.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A Jesuit scribe cracks open a PalmPilot to feast on the innards.

Gregory Torso

The exiled poet laureate of an island that celebrates the theatre of Andrew Loyd Webber above everything else rows his dinghy up to the padlocked doors of Tim Rice's house and expires, moaning something about "Maria".

Gregory Torso

"The Frog Song (We All Stand Together)" plays through for the twelfth consecutive time upstairs, unbearably loud, but somehow not loud enough to drown out your ex-grirlfriend's cries of fudd-filled pleasure as her new man collapses her like a camper bed, and you funnel vodka into your anus in the kitchen, jealous of the dead flies under the fridge.

Dannyhood91

Setting an alarm for every 2 minutes of the day to remind you that your alarm works

Dannyhood91

Throwing all your money in the bin because you just can't afford it

A girl on tinder tells you she really likes homes under the hammer so on your first date you smash the shit out of her house with a sledgehammer to impress her

Refusing your dream job because you're scared you'll forget what bus to get

A homeless man asks you for some spare change so you sign your mortgage to him and let him shag your bird and daughter

You play that game where you pretend to steal your nephew's nose. But when you open your hand you see the bloody ripped off piece of cartilage. You don't hear his screams, there is a neverending metallic drone playing in your head as you stare into space.

A filthy muck munching golden labrador's venomous midnight emission kills it's kindly owner it's their sleep.

petril

Quote from: Foggy Buntwhistle on January 28, 2019, 06:58:07 AM
You play that game where you pretend to steal your nephew's nose. But when you open your hand you see the bloody ripped off piece of cartilage. You don't hear his screams, there is a neverending metallic drone playing in your head as you stare into space.

you snap back to reality. a nice house, self owned. on your own. a quiet neighbourhood, a steady management job, part time, but full time wages. free to do what you will with the rest of your middle age. but four times a day, you're back there, not long into adulthood and mutilating a child's face. replayed over and over. no motivation, no cause, no reason. he made the papers for the surgery. there's always booze, but the functional side wears off after about a month. not going there again.

Lordofthefiles

You wake up on Tuesday and all your pubes have turned white.

Chollis

To the growing concern of his teachers, little Ethan has once again spent his hour in Arts and Crafts fashioning the solitary bollock of a fully grown man from papier mache.

A mouse in a glue trap is given 12 hours to get himself out before the kitchen staff consider him fair fucks for sandwich filling.

Dannyhood91

Being peer pressured into pouring acid on your dick because your mate said "GO on, it's horrible trust me"

A pubic hair scandal is uncovered when 24 men from Batley are caught red handed cultivating pubes in a garage

Pingers

On hearing it again, everyone realises that Rolf Harris was singing 'Noncing Matilda' all along, it's just that no-one really noticed at the time.

Quote from: Pingers on January 28, 2019, 09:01:42 PM
On hearing it again, everyone realises that Rolf Harris was singing 'Noncing Matilda' all along, it's just that no-one really noticed at the time.

A man gets 'Noncing Matilda' stuck in his head just before leaving for work.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Paul Ross feels bad having one over the famous napalm girl Phan Thị Kim Phúc but then stops. "Why shouldn't I? I work hard."

Norton Canes


Shoulders?-Stomach!

Berlusconi trepanns skulls for him to teabag, all the while honking his catchphrase "Heeeyyy im no saint!"

Most of the victims are from Benin, lured in by the promise of gratis mp3 downloads.

batwings

A mortician falls in love at work.

the midnight watch baboon

A dad is emasculated by his daughter's rheumy gerbil.