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Desolation IV: The Abyssal Plains

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, April 16, 2018, 01:49:39 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

madhair60

An arse can't even be bothered to shit.

Twit 2

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 18, 2018, 06:50:04 PM
A park bench carrying the engraving


"R.I.P

Gavin Denton

'Battered Sausage + Peas Wrapped Up'

1978-2018'


Is given a wipe down with an axe

+2 karma

Shoulders?-Stomach!

The shit birthed at the same time as her first born son actually attracts more attention.

madhair60

A cock can't even be bothered to cum.

Dannyhood91

A coffee cup full of water, vinegar and cum.

Down the hatch, it's good for ya.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A family leans in to hear a dying matriarchs final words

"L....l...lynch the blacks and ...l...lez....lezzers"

Spoon of Ploff

A man's eyes start to glaze over half way through the second paragraph on the Abyssal Plain Wikipedia page.

Dr Syntax Head

Paddy has a breakdown on Take me out. "Let the barbed cock see the dripping quim" he screams before taking a vintage revolver belonging to his grandad and taking out 6 of the contestants. This is Sunday morning and it's all in his head as he cries into his cornflakes. "Why am I this way?" he weeps. "I could've been a Corden". He is alone.

dex


BlodwynPig

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on April 19, 2018, 05:22:16 PM
A man's eyes start to glaze over half way through the second paragraph on the Abyssal Plain Wikipedia page.

From that moment on, Prof. Barry Ruddick, the foremost expert in abyssal plain oceanography, is constantly mocked by junior postdocs and former colleagues, who call him an "Abyssopelagic" (in the pub, at the conferences, down the telephone line, in his dreams).

BlodwynPig

An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).

dex

Quote from: BlodwynPig on April 19, 2018, 08:27:22 PM
An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).

*shudders*

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: BlodwynPig on April 19, 2018, 08:27:22 PM
An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).

Fuck sake

Dr Syntax Head

Quote from: BlodwynPig on April 19, 2018, 08:27:22 PM
An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).

It was you wasn't it Blodders. It was your dream. It was your nightmare.

BlodwynPig

Quote from: Dr Syntax Head on April 19, 2018, 09:22:02 PM
It was you wasn't it Blodders. It was your dream. It was your nightmare.

It was. But I didn't want to do a dream thread cos they are shit. Has anyone ever done a horror story/film about hair growing into eyeballs because it was disquieting. Last night (not night of dream) I woke and touched my closed eye and a spark of intense pain shot through it and I still have the pain now and a migraine. THAT'S WHERE MY HAIR WENT

Dannyhood91

A baby opens its mouth to cry but nothing comes out except a Flo Rida remix of the Emmerdale theme tune.

dex

A botfly refuses to lay eggs in Harold's skin as it is too rank.

A librarian entertains herself by badly forging authors'  signatures on books in the erotic fiction section.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


An agoraphobic woman stages her own episode of Come Dine With Me with manikins instead of people and still doesn't win.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A gleeful cherub, bouncing and jolly 53 years later is coined THE LONDIS PAEDO.

SteveDave

Greg celebrates the fact it's Friday by watching his favourite film "Joy" starring Jennifer Lawrence for the 7th time. He really loves this film and has it on Blu-Ray as well as DVD despite not having a Blu-Ray player. 

Gregory Torso

A hedgehog explodes in a bonfire, taking dad's face off.

Gregory Torso

A pub landlord's ring tone is a screaming donkey's bray, reminds him of the good days.

Bazooka

A wrinkly headmaster metamorphosis's into a 13 foot woodlouse during the schools sports day, only to be smashed to bits by some local louts.

Bazooka

A war memorial is raped by a bitter virgin.

ollyboro

Following his double orchidectomy, Clive starts crying when his son asks for some marbles.

dex

A midget tests all the seat belts of the cars on sale at an auction.


BlodwynPig

"Hello?"

...

"Hello? Who is this?"

...

"Hello? Is there anybody there?"

...

"Hello? I can't hear you"

"Goodbye"

He doesn't even own a telephone.

Spoon of Ploff

The cast and crew of BBCs Robot Wars are released into the wild. "Theyz lux so 'appy" muses James the games keeper "buh wi wintah commin I dontz hold out muj 'ope"