Intercourse - what do you like (NSFW)

[buttgammon]

The thing with Monster Munch is that even if they don't divide evenly, you'll still end up with a few fingers in, so it's a win-win.

[poo]

Really into beaks, mandibles, tentacles, antennae etc

[Buelligan]

People used to say that to me as well and it's a load of bollocks, at this age if you want love you have to track down your prey and seduce it violently (ie online dating and meeting up for a drink down the local spoons).

It's very difficult.  Especially if you're not a run of the mill sort of person.  My ideal partner would be intelligent, very funny, extremely laid-back but meticulous, interested and knowledgeable in an infinite amount of things, highly practical, energetic, musical,  deeply interested in beauty in all her guises, sensitive, indomitably brave, kind to animals and all living things, a little bit dangerous, generous, open-minded, clean and tidy, imaginative, creative, patient, vegetarian, hard-working, a good singer, thoughtful and considerate, never jealous, a committed pacifist and socialist, self-disciplined, spontaneous but reliable, easy on the eye, an outstandingly good motorcyclist and somewhere else.

[Replies From View]

My ideal partner would be whoever doesn't find me unattractive.

[imitationleather]

It's very difficult.  Especially if you're not a run of the mill sort of person.  My ideal partner would be intelligent, very funny, extremely laid-back but meticulous, interested and knowledgeable in an infinite amount of things, highly practical, energetic, musical,  deeply interested in beauty in all her guises, sensitive, indomitably brave, kind to animals and all living things, a little bit dangerous, generous, open-minded, clean and tidy, imaginative, creative, patient, vegetarian, hard-working, a good singer, thoughtful and considerate, never jealous, a committed pacifist and socialist, self-disciplined, spontaneous but reliable, easy on the eye, an outstandingly good motorcyclist and somewhere else.

I don't know how to break this to you but I'm afraid that Dennis Nilsen is gay.

[Chairman Bodog]

The thing with Monster Munch is that even if they don't divide evenly, you'll still end up with a few fingers in, so it's a win-win.

Thing about Monster Munch is they always try to walk it in.

[Buelligan]

My ideal partner would be whoever doesn't find me unattractive.

I've seen pictures of you, you're not unattractive even a bit and your mind and humour are completely wonderful.  I think you think yourself down and so, perhaps, send out that feeling.  Start loving yourself more, celebrate the beauty of you, try radiating a bit of happiness - that is a very sexy thing - I'm not even lying. 

I don't know how to break this to you but I'm afraid that Dennis Nilsen is gay.

Well, at least he's somewhere else, so we're half way there (and the important half at that).

[madhair60]

The most important thing in sex is to get it fucking done. Get it - fucking DONE, just get it

[Danger Man]

My ideal partner would be intelligent, very funny, extremely laid-back but meticulous, interested and knowledgeable in an infinite amount of things, highly practical, energetic, musical,  deeply interested in beauty in all her guises, sensitive, indomitably brave, kind to animals and all living things, a little bit dangerous, generous, open-minded, clean and tidy, imaginative, creative, patient, vegetarian, hard-working, a good singer, thoughtful and considerate, never jealous, a committed pacifist and socialist, self-disciplined, spontaneous but reliable, easy on the eye, an outstandingly good motorcyclist and somewhere else.

Sorry, I've never ridden a motorcycle.

[Bison]

i like it when they wank my prick

[popcorn]

Replies From View, no matter what anyone tells you, bumming does count as sex. In fact it's expert sex.

[Blinder Data]

This might mark me out as some sort of weirdo but personally I really like putting my hard penis into soft and wet vaginas

God help me!

[Small Man Big Horse]

I couldnt even do that after a while as i exhausted everyone in my area and England and bizarrely i started getting girls from north western France popping up. Which seems impressibe.

Mrs SMBH messaged me out of the blue despite being from Denmark as I liked Doctor Who and Maria Bamford, which is a rare mix apparently. But it does seem European women are the way forward for CaB, and I demand Replies contact some now.

It's very difficult.  Especially if you're not a run of the mill sort of person.  My ideal partner would be intelligent, very funny, extremely laid-back but meticulous, interested and knowledgeable in an infinite amount of things, highly practical, energetic, musical, deeply interested in beauty in all her guises, sensitive, indomitably brave, kind to animals and all living things, a little bit dangerous, generous, open-minded, clean and tidy, imaginative, creative, patient, vegetarian, hard-working, a good singer, thoughtful and considerate, never jealous, a committed pacifist and socialist, self-disciplined, spontaneous but reliable, easy on the eye, an outstandingly good motorcyclist and somewhere else.

I think I've done quite well there, and I could add a few if I was prepared to up my game. But I am not.

[Brundle-Fly]

Mid thirties and haven't so far. Very unattractive. Weird voice. Lack of balance. Just feel I'll be rubbish at it. Can't be bothered to clear the dangleberries from my bum. Not good with people.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but for fuck's sake invest in a bidet or at least some wet wipes..

[biggytitbo]

Really into beaks, mandibles, tentacles, antennae etc

What's your stance on udders?

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

Mid thirties and haven't so far. Very unattractive. Weird voice. Lack of balance. Just feel I'll be rubbish at it. Can't be bothered to clear the dangleberries from my bum. Not good with people.

Never stopped Steven Seagal.

[monolith]

I have never had intercourse and likely never will, but I wondered what kinds of things people enjoy during intercourse. Men's magazines have lots of tips e.g. blowing on your partner's areas, but I am not sure which work. Just in case of the unlikely event I do have intercourse with a woman.

Everyone is different. Some people like to be choked and slapped but I probably wouldn't 'open' with that.

The first time is usually pretty awkward either way. It sounds like you're a bit concerned about your potential performance but it's probably not helpful to put that extra pressure on yourself. Usually takes a few stabs (eyyy) until you get it right with a new person even if you've had a bit of experience.

[Paulie Walnuts]

Mid thirties and haven't so far. Very unattractive. Weird voice. Lack of balance. Just feel I'll be rubbish at it. Can't be bothered to clear the dangleberries from my bum. Not good with people.

[Buelligan]

One thing I can say with certainty is try not to have sex in the style of Brian Eno playing at the end of Ladytron with Roxy Music on the OGWT.  Actually, avoid copying any of Roxy Music when doing sex.  Hope this helps.

[Dannyhood91]

Shall we all shag each other?

[Birdie]

Confidence.

[Buelligan]

Just thought a bit more about the radiating happiness thing.  I think I might be on to something you know.  I know this girl, she's really very naturally beautiful and clever BUT she never greets anyone or does anything that implies she thinks about others and their comfort or happiness or is glad to see them and her expression is always pissed off, it's really noticeable.  It really does make people avoid her.  So, you know, something to consider there.

[ASFTSN]

Waited all day to read this thread and I have to say apart from the facesitting bit, it's slightly disappointing.

[biggytitbo]

Never mind intercourse, what about this?

[Buelligan]

Waited all day to read this thread and I have to say apart from the facesitting bit, it's slightly disappointing.

You won't get much unbridled sexual gratification with that Debbie Downer attitude.  I'll tell you that for a start.

[Dannyhood91]

Never mind intercourse, what about this?

What's that? Is that what sex is? I bet it is.

[Bhazor]

Shaggings easy mate. Just do this in a public place and wait for someone to dock with you.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

One thing I can say with certainty is try not to have sex in the style of Brian Eno

Using the oblique strategy cards?

Fill every beat with something

Make it more sensual

Reverse

Display your talent

Put in earplugs

In total darkness, or in a very large room, very quietly

[biggytitbo]

What's that? Is that what sex is? I bet it is.

Yes, if there was such a thing as a sex mirror, this is what it would reflect.

[kalowski]

I've seen pictures of you, you're not unattractive even a bit and your mind and humour are completely wonderful.  I think you think yourself down and so, perhaps, send out that feeling.  Start loving yourself more, celebrate the beauty of you, try radiating a bit of happiness - that is a very sexy thing - I'm not even lying. 

Sheesh, get a room.