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March 28, 2024, 12:29:49 PM

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You know when your life is completely fucked?

Started by Flouncer, April 18, 2018, 08:49:52 PM

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Flouncer

I'm having a really shit day. I woke up this morning and the cat came upstairs and miaowed at me. I picked her up and gave her a cuddle, and then she got up and jumped off the bed. She started walking funny then rocking from side to side and shaking her head, and her eyes were wobbling about. It was fucking terrifying. She kind of went back to normal, then it happened again. We took her to the vets and she's had a stroke. She has picked up a bit now; has had a nap and eaten, but I'm terrified it's going to happen again or something... I fucking love her - we took her in about 9 months ago, and she's the sweetest, most loving creature I've ever met. She's devoted to me - I've never been a cat person but she won my heart in no time because she's fucking lovely. My mental health is awful at the moment and I can't really deal with this. I'm glad she's back home because I kind of expected her to be put down at the vets, but I feel rough as fuck. I'm not very well at all. I can't bear to think of losing her... I keep crying and getting upset, not knowing what's going to happen with her.

I didn't know Joey particularly well on here - well enough to expect a quality post when his avatar popped up - but reading his story affected me quite profoundly, and (selfishly) led me to think about my own mortality. I can relate to him in a lot of ways - I have been in some really bad places, mentally, and I know that I'm one of those people who are essentially on borrowed time. It pains me to admit that, because I want to have kids, but I know it wouldn't be fair to them. One day, I will end up in a depressive episode that I can't get out of, and when things get that bad all you can wish is for the pain to stop. My most recent breakdown was a couple of months ago and I found myself looking into the abyss (the shit abyss). I finally understood why people throw themselves in front of trains and horrible stuff like that - they have this acute emotional pain burning inside them and they don't care any more: they just need it to end. I felt like that for a time and I was justabout able to ride it out, but I know that one day I will end up in that situation and it will get the better of me. I'm having the same suicidal thoughts I have had to deal with in the past, but now there is a lot of weight behind them: it actually seems like a logical course of action to take, at times. It's frightening, but mainly it's just sad and pathetic, that this is what my life has become.

I'm mainly sick of the relentless daily drudgery of dealing with severe anxiety. Going over stupid stuff again and again; dealing with the same bullshit thoughts, that I know are complete rubbish and have dealt with over and over, but they keep coming up; hounding me, snapping at my heels. I keep trying to get the services to help me but they just fuck me about, trying again and again to push me into having CBT rather than actually looking at what's wrong with me and figuring out an appropriate treatment (I have a lot of mental health problems, some diagnosed, some not, and I don't know where to start). I end up getting frustrated with them then I get labelled as abusive, when all I'm doing is asking to be treated, and quite understandably losing it when promises are repeatedly broken and potential treatment continually kicked into the long grass. If they can't treat me then they should at least be honest with me and say they haven't got the resources, or that I'm not going to get what I need from the NHS, instead of constantly stringing me on. It's been going on like this for a few years now and they seem to treat my illnesses as though they're a minor inconvenience to me, when they are actually extremely debilitating and prevent me from functioning as a person. If I didn't have my partner, who has looked after me through all this at massive cost to herself, fuck knows where I'd be now. I'm fed up of being a drain on her resources. I want us to have a decent life instead of floundering together in the bucket of stagnant shite that my life has become.

This is building up to a point where I can't cope. I'm really fed up of it and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I need to be doing stuff: I'm 31 now and life is passing me by. I have loads of ideas and plans but I just don't have the means of carrying them out at the moment because getting through each day without caving in to the anxiety is absorbing all my energy. I also have huge problems focusing on stuff for any period of time. It's like everything is stacked against me and whenever I stick my head above the parapet to try and make things better, I just get kicked in the bollocks and relegated to the grinding struggle of keep my head above water. The only decent thing to have happened to me in recent times is this beautiful, friendly cat coming into my life and loving me unconditionally. I just hope she's alright and we get to spend a bit more time with her. She has brightened up my life massively and helped me get through some traumatic times; she is happy and comfortable here - she has finally found a happy home where people appreciate her. I don't know why the fuck this had to happen to her now. What a load of shit.


imitationleather

Apart from the cat bit I hear a lot of that.

littlenell

Anxiety disorders suck, sending you positive vibes and kind thoughts xx

checkoutgirl

Realistically it's more difficult to get your hands on a human woman who cares about you than a cat who appears to care about you. I'd be more inclined to focus my love and attention on the woman. You can pick up a decent cat anywhere. Cats have short life spans, it doesn't do to put too much stock in the survival of an animal that probably won't live much more than a decade.

As for getting treatment. if the NHS are fucking you about, can your good lady partner afford a private consultant who might prescribe you some anti anxiety drugs? Better you get on some Prozac than wind up doing something stupid.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

I never thought a forum inhabited by mentally ill unemployed bald men with phimosis could be so depressing, but it does seem to be a magnet for those in misery.

Sorry to hear of your own hell and for your own sake run, leave now and never come back.

Funcrusher

Sorry to hear this and can definitely relate. Are there particular factors external to you that cause anxiety or gloominess? Bear in mind that living in the late capitalism shitfest that is 2018 is enough to make most folk anxious and down - it's not just you.

garbed_attic

Quotetrying again and again to push me into having CBT rather than actually looking at what's wrong with me and figuring out an appropriate treatment

I hate how CBT has become this cheap ineffectual "cure-all" when it is simply not suitable for helping with a lot of cases (or at least *needs* to be used in combination with other approaches)

Honestly, if you feel like phoning the Samitarians every day as an alternate to private therapy, please do it. It's not your fault your government is sicker than we'll ever be :(

colacentral

This might sound daft but does anyone think our endless winter is partly to blame for fucking with people's heads? I know that I was feeling like the shit cold grey weather was never going to end in March; it gets to feel like a prison. And the news has been relentlessly grim too.

I hear you on the cat love - I have one who had a bit of a shit life until he came to live with us. He wants us to go outside with him, so we take him for walks around the house and into the graveyard next door when the weather's nice. He loves our little gang. I'm going to be devastated when he eventually dies, which hopefully won't be for a long time. I get into a murderous rage with all the cunts speeding up and down our road thinking they could flatten him. We're in the countryside so I see alot of dead animals on the side of the road thanks to these tossers.

It's going to be a shit time when your cat goes but there are other loving rescue animals out there who need kind owners to take them in. If you throw yourself in front of a train that's one less person around to take one of those in.

wooders1978

#9
Yes "endless winter" does sound daft in mid April (during a heatwave no less) to be honest.

What isn't daft is the suggestion to continue to rescue pets if the worst should happen to your moggy- I've got a rescue dog and it's bern a really wonderfully rewarding experience to see him go from aggressive and scared to deeply affectionate big old dafty
It can be difficult to find value in your life, so why not gift it to others who need it, such as a pet in need I say - as they will be eternally grateful

colacentral

No heatwave where I am, and I'm obviously not talking about now specifically, but recently. I did mention getting anxiety over it in March, didn't I? Last weekend feels like the first time I've seen the sun since October. And a quick look at the weather forecast shows it's going to be cloudy this weekend and raining all next week.

Danger Man

Quote from: gout_pony on April 18, 2018, 09:38:40 PM
I hate how CBT has become this cheap ineffectual "cure-all" when it is simply not suitable for helping with a lot of cases (or at least *needs* to be used in combination with other approaches)

The best thing about CBT is how Derren Brown pretends to use it so people don't realise he's a magician.

wooders1978

Quote from: colacentral on April 18, 2018, 10:22:15 PM
No heatwave where I am, and I'm obviously not talking about now specifically, but recently. I did mention getting anxiety over it in March, didn't I? Last weekend feels like the first time I've seen the sun since October. And a quick look at the weather forecast shows it's going to be cloudy this weekend and raining all next week.
October to March would be your traditional winter months though would they not?
I'm fucking about in 20-25 degrees here - basking - get yourself down Berkshire way

Flouncer

Quote from: littlenell on April 18, 2018, 09:13:02 PM
Anxiety disorders suck, sending you positive vibes and kind thoughts xx

Thanks Nell. xxx

Quote from: checkoutgirl on April 18, 2018, 09:13:16 PM
Realistically it's more difficult to get your hands on a human woman who cares about you than a cat who appears to care about you. I'd be more inclined to focus my love and attention on the woman. You can pick up a decent cat anywhere. Cats have short life spans, it doesn't do to put too much stock in the survival of an animal that probably won't live much more than a decade.

As for getting treatment. if the NHS are fucking you about, can your good lady partner afford a private consultant who might prescribe you some anti anxiety drugs? Better you get on some Prozac than wind up doing something stupid.

I have tried seven or eight different antidepressants over the last few years, and none of them has been of any real value. The doctor prescribed me diazepam when my anxiety started to get bad, and it worked for a while, then I became reliant on it. This became a problem in itself and I had to stop using it. I've been getting by with CBD oil lately, which seems to cover much of what the benzos used to do without much in the way of drawbacks. I haven't even used that for the last few weeks until today. I'm really not keen on the idea of going back on pharmaceuticals. We're both skint - I think having some sort of therapy would help, so if I can scrape a bit of money together (and potentially beg some off my parents) I might be able to find someone I can work with and make a bit of progress. I think this is my main chance of getting better, really.

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 18, 2018, 09:27:10 PM
I never thought a forum inhabited by mentally ill unemployed bald men with phimosis could be so depressing, but it does seem to be a magnet for those in misery.

Sorry to hear of your own hell and for your own sake run, leave now and never come back.


Thanks man - at least there's some comfort in knowing that there are plenty of other cunts out there as sad as I am.

Quote from: Funcrusher on April 18, 2018, 09:31:33 PM
Sorry to hear this and can definitely relate. Are there particular factors external to you that cause anxiety or gloominess? Bear in mind that living in the late capitalism shitfest that is 2018 is enough to make most folk anxious and down - it's not just you.

I have certain triggers but really, in the absence of anything to worry about, my brain seems to make stuff up You make a good point though - I think there's something wrong with you if you can deal with the situation we're in without going a bit mental.

Quote from: gout_pony on April 18, 2018, 09:38:40 PM
I hate how CBT has become this cheap ineffectual "cure-all" when it is simply not suitable for helping with a lot of cases (or at least *needs* to be used in combination with other approaches)

Honestly, if you feel like phoning the Samitarians every day as an alternate to private therapy, please do it. It's not your fault your government is sicker than we'll ever be :(

This really fucks me off... I have had it in the past and it benefited me; I put the principles into action and it did work, to an extent. There came a point when I became so ill that I was beyond being able to do that, and instead of listening to me, they just took this bloody-minded attitude that all I needed was a bit of CBT and refused to consider any other course of action. I think the reason for this is that the services are starved of resources and CBT is the most effective treatment for the money, on paper... But if you're in the bracket of people for whom it isn't effective, or it isn't the appropriate treatment for you, you're fucked! I'm starting to suspect that it's pretty much the only thing they do these days, besides group therapy, which I also have problems with. I know that I need some one on one psychotherapy, and it is becoming increasingly clear that the only way I'm going to get it is by paying.

Quote from: colacentral on April 18, 2018, 09:57:44 PM
This might sound daft but does anyone think our endless winter is partly to blame for fucking with people's heads? I know that I was feeling like the shit cold grey weather was never going to end in March; it gets to feel like a prison. And the news has been relentlessly grim too.

I hear you on the cat love - I have one who had a bit of a shit life until he came to live with us. He wants us to go outside with him, so we take him for walks around the house and into the graveyard next door when the weather's nice. He loves our little gang. I'm going to be devastated when he eventually dies, which hopefully won't be for a long time. I get into a murderous rage with all the cunts speeding up and down our road thinking they could flatten him. We're in the countryside so I see alot of dead animals on the side of the road thanks to these tossers.

It's going to be a shit time when your cat goes but there are other loving rescue animals out there who need kind owners to take them in. If you throw yourself in front of a train that's one less person around to take one of those in.

I have actually noticed that I tend to have a particularly bad breakdown every winter. I don't mind winter at all, but my brain seems to get a bit wobbly at that time of year these days. As for the kitty, I'll be sad if she goes, but as you say there are loads of furry fuckers out there needing a good home... I would take one in without a second thought.

As someone who works in Mental Health, the big problem is that there's no middle ground treatment available between IAPT and Secondary Services. A lot of people need support over a considerable period of time to figure their problem out and heck even learn to function in this cruel world. Dunno where you are OP but some charities offer low cost services where you can get low cost therapy. I've known some to offer as little cost as £2.50 a session.

ASFTSN

Quote from: colacentral on April 18, 2018, 09:57:44 PM
This might sound daft but does anyone think our endless winter is partly to blame for fucking with people's heads? I know that I was feeling like the shit cold grey weather was never going to end in March; it gets to feel like a prison. And the news has been relentlessly grim too.

Doesn't sound daft.  This winter was particularly bad I feel.  Maybe it wasn't, weather-wise, in fact, but perhaps combined with the ceaseless onslaught of bad news it felt worse than ever.  I always thought I was proper goth but now I'm (getting old) ready for some sun.

Twit 2

Getting enough sleep? Get 7 or 8 hours regularly.

Good diet? Lots of veg, no processed food.

Any exercise? Nothin fancy, just a brisk walk regularly, look at some nice shit.

Routine? Do similar stuff, your mind will like it.

Read any philosophy? CBT is basically stoicism. Get it from Aurelius rather than the NHS (I'm not being flippant - I have a very colourful mental health history with an abudance of anxiety and suicidal depression - a collection of Chamfort aphorisms helped me more than a course of CBT).

Do you do anything nice? Little things you can rag to fuck - find the glory in your morning shit/coffee/whatever.

Just try not make it too complicated. I have drowned in complexity and had nothing to show for it. Keep it simple, because it is.

Anyway, like I said I have a history of the shit you describe and everything I've written above is true for me.

SLEEP
DIET
EXERCISE/FRESH AIR
ROUTINE
DO SIMPLE THINGS YOU ENJOY

If you're not doing all or at least most of those things regularly then you can't be too surprised if you feel like shit. You're an animal, a biological creature.  An excess of consciousness is debilitating.

Just to be clear that I am not a saint and don't always practise what I preach. I often have bags under my eyes and fags out of my mouth. But I know why I feel like shit when I do and I'm rarely anxious or depressed anymore, no NHS, no meds.

Funcrusher

#17
Quote from: Flouncer on April 18, 2018, 10:29:40 PM

This really fucks me off... I have had it in the past and it benefited me; I put the principles into action and it did work, to an extent. There came a point when I became so ill that I was beyond being able to do that, and instead of listening to me, they just took this bloody-minded attitude that all I needed was a bit of CBT and refused to consider any other course of action. I think the reason for this is that the services are starved of resources and CBT is the most effective treatment for the money, on paper... But if you're in the bracket of people for whom it isn't effective, or it isn't the appropriate treatment for you, you're fucked! I'm starting to suspect that it's pretty much the only thing they do these days, besides group therapy, which I also have problems with. I know that I need some one on one psychotherapy, and it is becoming increasingly clear that the only way I'm going to get it is by paying.

It looks like Mindfulness is about to supplant CBT as the conveniently cheap fix for psychic distress. I've done mindfulness meditation when I was in relatively good shape mentally and it was ace, but no way is it any use when you're really struggling and even basic everyday stuff is a huge challenge. CBT is the same.

Ghost Dad

Yeah you should honestly get off the internet as much as possible.

colacentral

Quote from: Twit 2 on April 18, 2018, 10:44:29 PM
Getting enough sleep? Get 7 or 8 hours regularly.

Good diet? Lots of veg, no processed food.

Any exercise? Nothin fancy, just a brisk walk regularly, look at some nice shit.

Routine? Do similar stuff, your mind will like it.

Read any philosophy? CBT is basically stoicism. Get it from Aurelius rather than the NHS (I'm not being flippant - I have a very colourful mental health history with an abudance of anxiety and suicidal depression - a collection of Chamfort aphorisms helped me more than a course of CBT).

Do you do anything nice? Little things you can rag to fuck - find the glory in your morning shit/coffee/whatever.

Just try not make it too complicated. I have drowned in complexity and had nothing to show for it. Keep it simple, because it is.

Anyway, like I said I have a history of the shit you describe and everything I've written above is true for me.

SLEEP
DIET
EXERCISE/FRESH AIR
ROUTINE
DO SIMPLE THINGS YOU ENJOY

If you're not doing all or at least most of those things regularly then you can't be too surprised if you feel like shit. You're an animal, a biological creature.  An excess of consciousness is debilitating.

Just to be clear that I am not a saint and don't always practise what I preach. I often have bags under my eyes and fags out of my mouth. But I know why I feel like shit when I do and I'm rarely anxious or depressed anymore, no NHS, no meds.

I concur with the exercise bit especially - I'm sure there have been multiple studies showing that people with mental health issues have been able to give up their meds after following a strict exercise regime, but I'm too lazy to look them up. It can sound bollocks when you're truly down - "oh sure, all my problems will go away once I've had a jog" - but it's biology: get the bad chemicals out, get the good chemicals in.

Glebe

Sorry to hear it Flouncer... I've been on antidepressants for about half of my 42 years, and have been getting counselling for a good while now, the last few years in particular have been pretty fucked, and I've been having some major low points in the last while... please try and chill and clear your head, forget about having to do this or that, putting pressure on yourself, and try and focus and the simple stuff first. As someone already mentioned, sleep is an important factory... and of course getting out and getting exercise and eating properly and all that, which I have to say I really struggle with myself. Anyway, love and hugs and I hope your little cat is feeling better.

Alberon

Sorry to derail this very serious thread, but after years on the internet and with often wandering into its seamier side much more often than can be at all healthy the acronym CBT has a very different meaning to me.

You see, the first time I ever heard about CBT it stood for Cock and Ball Torture. Which does put a different spin on this thread in my mind.

Again, sorry I've nothing sensible to add.





And no, I'm not into that.

Really.

Danger Man

Quote from: Twit 2 on April 18, 2018, 10:44:29 PM
SLEEP
DIET
EXERCISE/FRESH AIR
ROUTINE
DO SIMPLE THINGS YOU ENJOY

Twit 2's second poison pen letter takes a suprising turn....

Buelligan

On the cat front, cats do seem a bit prone to strokes.  I had one, a very old girly, who started having them - just "little" ones, the vet said, she went on, very happily, for years and years after they started, so don't get too alarmed.  I have one now that wees (and worse) on the floor every every time (she's old and fucked and I love her to bits and don't mind much at all that I have to wash the floor at least twice a day and my home still stinks of piss, because that smell is actually the smell of Love).  I think it's great that your cat has brought so much positivity into your life and you pay her back by caring for her so well.  This is something beautiful.  I send you a smelly cat-lover's hug.

Also, Twit2's right about that other shit.

Desirable Industrial Unit

Quote from: Twit 2 on April 18, 2018, 10:44:29 PM
Read any philosophy? CBT is basically stoicism. Get it from Aurelius rather than the NHS (I'm not being flippant - I have a very colourful mental health history with an abudance of anxiety and suicidal depression - a collection of Chamfort aphorisms helped me more than a course of CBT).

I'm not opposed to CBT when properly deployed, but this is a really good suggestion.  There's a reason why clever fuckers have been rolling this shit around for centuries, but it's somehow seen as something that isn't functional enough to be introduced in schools anymore.

Twit 2


rue the polywhirl

Quote from: Twit 2 on April 18, 2018, 10:44:29 PM
Getting enough sleep? Get 7 or 8 hours regularly.

Good diet? Lots of veg, no processed food.

Any exercise? Nothin fancy, just a brisk walk regularly, look at some nice shit.

Routine? Do similar stuff, your mind will like it.

Read any philosophy? CBT is basically stoicism. Get it from Aurelius rather than the NHS (I'm not being flippant - I have a very colourful mental health history with an abudance of anxiety and suicidal depression - a collection of Chamfort aphorisms helped me more than a course of CBT).

Do you do anything nice? Little things you can rag to fuck - find the glory in your morning shit/coffee/whatever.

Just try not make it too complicated. I have drowned in complexity and had nothing to show for it. Keep it simple, because it is.

Anyway, like I said I have a history of the shit you describe and everything I've written above is true for me.

SLEEP
DIET
EXERCISE/FRESH AIR
ROUTINE
DO SIMPLE THINGS YOU ENJOY

This is just that Jordan Peterson book except without the 'stand up with your back straight' bit. I'd recommend purchasing a copy of that. Might solve all your problems in one go.

Desirable Industrial Unit

Also

Quote from: Flouncer on April 18, 2018, 08:49:52 PM
This is building up to a point where I can't cope. I'm really fed up of it and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I need to be doing stuff: I'm 31 now and life is passing me by. I have loads of ideas and plans but I just don't have the means of carrying them out at the moment because getting through each day without caving in to the anxiety is absorbing all my energy.

I don't want to assume anything, but if you're able to get out under your own steam, try volunteering somewhere a day a week, or even a half day.  It'll seem terrifying now but you'll ease in gently and have a bit of structure - right now it sounds like the days are bleeding together, and that just compounds everything else.  Knowing that you have to be somewhere at least once a week really helps, I've found.

Your cat's having a roaring old time at the moment, bear that in mind.  Getting some purrs out of the bugger?  Of course you are.  I lost mine around Christmas but they do die, the fuckers - their shorter lifespan is a reminder to make as much of what we have as we can.

Twit 2

Quote from: rue the polywhirl on April 19, 2018, 12:35:22 AM
This is just that Jordan Peterson book except without the 'stand up with your back straight' bit. I'd recommend purchasing a copy of that. Might solve all your problems in one go.

Nah, the opposite. Having seen him talking, equanimous is not a word that describes him. Getting a good night's sleep is 90% of good mental health (he says, going to bed at 1am with work the next day). Basic science, not the claptrap he peddles.

Dr Syntax Head

This thread is yet more evidence of some real empathy that we all need from time to time. Great bunch of lads here. Get stoic!