People kept chemically stable by citalopram and the like

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Cheats aren't they really?

But no there are those with an biological lack of something or other drugs help enormously. I understand why that's important. Bring on the chemical buffers in those cases, definitely.

However, I also observe that such a drug suppresses what I'd call 'normal ups and downs', the kind I experience as a routine being lucky enough to have standard biological and mental reactions to most situations. Instead the drug has a flattening effect so things that might upset say, me, they get over really quickly.

Ok ok disclosure so I'm talking about my partner.

I just find it an odd one to come to terms with. The citalopram version is a great version for a number of reasons. She is happy and confident and liberated from the torment that went before it. But, as a partner of someone fitting this description, I have never known the "real" her because the mentally ill version obviously wasn't, and yet the sparkly aided medical version isn't either. This makes me feel odd.

From a relationship perspective this has made everything ridiculously easy to the point where we have fallen out fewer than 5 times in 2 years, and even then not near the falling outs in previous relationships, and one time the situation where any partnership would have become strained. It almost feels like I'm cheating as the drug is suppressing the sort of reactions other women might have. Is there an extent to which this is just a sort of sham relationship, and one which might not even exist if we both had normal brain chemistry? I find it quite dislocating despite enjoying the benefits enormously.

Should I just forget about it and get on with it?

I might ask her if there was a drug that gave her more natural highs and lows if she'd transfer to that.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Every time someone mentions depression someone inevitably suggests exercise as if it's a magic cure. Well, as someone who fucking hates exercise I'd prefer some drugs instead.


Have you considered getting on the ssri's yourself, sounds like you could just coast through everything without having to worry or overthink things; sounds idyllic.

[Cuellar]

If she's happier it seems pretty cruel to ask her to be miserable to make you feel better.

[thenoise]

if she chooses to take this & live like this then that is who she is, I guess. I wouldn't worry about it.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

If she's happier it seems pretty cruel to ask her to be miserable to make you feel better.

Yes it does, thankfully that wasn't proposed.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

if she chooses to take this & live like this then that is who she is, I guess. I wouldn't worry about it.

It's more that "who she is" here is whatever the drug makes her.

She needs to have a drug that replaces what she's deficient in, but the effect doesn't seem to me a realistic simulcra of yer normal person's existence.

[Cuellar]

Well you did suggest trying to get her to try a different drug with 'more natural highs and lows', whatever they are. If citalopram is working, why would you want her to change off it? Just seems a bit selfish.

[Soup]

There's no such thing as a "real" her, or a "real" you for that matter. Just 2 interacting and intra-acting assemblages of molecularly encoded bits, murmurations rippling through celestial starlings. Some of "her" starlings look a bit like citalopram? Well lucky you fella, cos they're in your flock now, not that it was ever your flock to begin with.

Why is a citalopram starling any more-or-less valid than a stubbed-toe starling? A found-a-tenner-on-the-floor starling? A love starling?

Don't worry. Or do; your neurosis starling murmurs too. You just have to see it from afar.

[Kelvin]

It's more that "who she is" here is whatever the drug makes her.

She needs to have a drug that replaces what she's deficient in, but the effect doesn't seem to me a realistic simulcra of yer normal person's existence.

It's based on a false premise, though. You can never truly "know" a person, because consciously and unconsciously, though circumstances and intent, we all present different versions of ourselves to people anyway. The person she is around close friends, the person she is around strangers, the person she is with colleagues, the person she is with you, and the person she is in her head, but does not express entirely to anyone.

The fact you do not know the version of her off her medication is no different, ultimately, from not knowing her in those other senses. You have fallen in love with the person as presented to you on medication. That is your version of her and the one you should focus on.

[Soup]

As the footy cliche goes, you can only love what is put in front of you.

[pancreas]

I think you may be confusing cause and effect. She's on the drug because she goes out with you. Take the drug away and it'd be 'seeya Sailor' quicker than a piping bag up the arse. I wouldn't worry about it; I inject heroin in advance of spending time with you.

[BlodwynPig]

I suspect my marriage would benefit from chemically-aided stabilisation drug, but despite the often hellish times, I prefer the unchemically aided wife.

[pancreas]

I suspect my marriage would benefit from chemically-aided stabilisation drug, but despite the often hellish times, I prefer the unchemically aided wife.

Especially when she is on another continent. What utter bullshit.

[Neville Chamberlain]

"I love you - or rather, more specifically, I love the version of you that you present to me on medication."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Well you did suggest trying to get her to try a different drug with 'more natural highs and lows', whatever they are. If citalopram is working, why would you want her to change off it? Just seems a bit selfish.

No I didn't, I said I might have a hypothetical discussion about whether she would if such a thing existed. I won't be suggesting or trying anything in that event.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's based on a false premise, though. You can never truly "know" a person, because consciously and unconsciously, though circumstances and intent, we all present different versions of ourselves to people anyway. The person she is around close friends, the person she is around strangers, the person she is with colleagues, the person she is with you, and the person she is in her head, but does not express entirely to anyone.

The fact you do not know the version of her off her medication is no different, ultimately, from not knowing her in those other senses. You have fallen in love with the person as presented to you on medication. That is your version of her and the one you should focus on.

Yeah, except she's the exact same with everyone, even her parents, grandparents etc. It might be partly due to the medication, but the effect of the medication in that event has nullified the point

[Dr Syntax Head]

Replace her meds with a placebo

[Cuellar]

But I don't know why you'd initiate such a conversation (hypothetically or not). It's not really up to you. As someone who does take SSRIs I find people suggesting you stop taking them, or even just asking whether or not you'd consider coming off them, very annoying.

[Icehaven]

My boyfriend is prescribed Citalopram for PTSD and says he often feels it slows him down and makes him feel 'flat'. He wants to come off it, isn't very strict about taking it regularly and often skips days or takes half doses, which I don't think is wise and I've told him to see a doctor to help him reduce his dose properly and supervise him gradually coming off it completely if it's the right thing to do.

I can't say I see a huge difference in him when he's not taken it, but then I expect it'd take more than a few days for real changes to kick in. He sometimes says he feels he gets agitated more quickly and things bother him more when he's skipped it, but then he also says he feels much more alert and 'present' without it, and hates how detached and slow it makes him. He's been on it so long now though that even though he wants to stop taking it I think he's a bit wary as even with skipping days he's had some level of it in his system for well over 4 years now.

As for not knowing the 'real' him, I don't know, I've never really thought about it, and tbh I can't imagine he'd be as different off it as the OP's partner is, as it's been prescribed more as an anti-anxiety/mood stabilising drug for him than as an anti-depressant. If he does quit it then goes postal in a Wilkos or I find him under the kitchen table on fireworks night I'll let you know. 

[BlodwynPig]

Especially when she is on another continent. What utter bullshit.

you've become nasty since I left you

[BlodwynPig]

Replace her with a placebo

[ieXush2i]

What a fine understanding of mental health. The accusations of selfishness here aren't misplaced.

[bgmnts]

My mate is on anti depressants and she is literally always 'ok', I dont like it. I am either suicidal or manic, i dont know which is worse really.

Drugs dont do anything for me personally but if they help someone cope then I suppose its a good thing.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

But I don't know why you'd initiate such a conversation (hypothetically or not). It's not really up to you. As someone who does take SSRIs I find people suggesting you stop taking them, or even just asking whether or not you'd consider coming off them, very annoying.

Good job that's not what's happening. I'm not sure why this is taking so very long and requiring so many replies to establish.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

What a fine understanding of mental health. The accusations of selfishness here aren't misplaced.

Yet at least two people have reported approximately similar experience. Almost like we are better off sharing experiences than treating this as a pissing contest over mental health knowledge.

[Kelvin]

I think the topic is an interesting one and worth discussing, but I think it's this bit that is producing the biggest pushback, Shoulders:

I might ask her if there was a drug that gave her more natural highs and lows if she'd transfer to that.

That does seem like a slightly odd thing to suggest if the drug is working for her, and when the problems you are having with it are largely psychological, rather than practical. 

[Cuellar]

Good job that's not what's happening. I'm not sure why this is taking so very long and requiring so many replies to establish.

Probably because you worded it badly. Or you worded it correctly.

[Soup]

It does seem your concern is a more neurotic one of your own about not knowing the "real" her, which is an understandable enough feeling but not one which holds up to much scrutiny (be it psychological, neurological, metaphysical etc.) You probably want to let go of it: don't shit the bed when it sounds like things are pretty good.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Every time someone mentions depression someone inevitably suggests exercise as if it's a magic cure. Well, as someone who fucking hates exercise I'd prefer some drugs instead.

How about excercise with drugs? Like Lance Armstrong.

[Isnt Anything]

You probably want to let go of it: don't shit the bed when it sounds like things are pretty good.

yeah trust me ive been trying to get the missus to go back ON to citalopram because BOTH our lives were better then. or at least seemed so to me.

she stopped because she hated feeling 'numb' and ok thats her choice and you have to respect it but i preferred the version where we had sex more than once every three months.

even she acknowledges that she was happier then but i guess its her right to choose just as its my right to fuck off and find someone else because im a selfish sex-obsessed arsehole.

i wont though because i love her. kill me now.