Travel Tips

[poo]

The French for hello is "cunt"

[Rizla]

In Edinburgh, one always salutes the bus drivers. This is because of the close historical connections between bus conductors and the army.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Get right in an Irkutsker's grill and shout

GAMMA

BETA

WORLDRAPE

and you will make a lifelong friend _{if you bring cheese}

[Neville Chamberlain]

In Norway, it is customary to greet your host by removing their sock and nibbling on their big toe for a few seconds. This tradition is known as fjern sok og nibble storåre.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Continental 'squatter' toilets expect you to adopt a pose where your bumhole is near your ankles, rather than as if you were teeing off at golf.

[hamfist]

on Scandinavian airlines, if you press the call bell and ask the flight attendant if you can see the Skærkbøggar you're in for a real treat. A. Real. Treat.

[Ferris]

Due to time differences, an average sleep in Asia can often exceed 24 hours. Plan accordingly.

[thraxx]

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single footstep. BOLLOCKS IT DOES IT STARTS WHEN YOU GET IN THE CORSA YOU CUNT.

[Ferris]

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single footstep. BOLLOCKS IT DOES IT STARTS WHEN YOU GET IN THE CORSA YOU CUNT.

How do you get to the corsa? Float there like Lloyd Grossman in that Vic & Bob sketch?

Don't think so, mate. You take a step don't you, mate.

[Bennett Brauer]

In Singapore it's a sign of respect when meeting a police officer to shoot the contents of one nostril on to the pavement in front of him.

[Ferris]

In Singapore it's a sign of respect when meeting a police officer to shoot the contents of one nostril on to the pavement in front of him.

It is to show your nose is clear. The phrase "to keep one's nose clean" is a mistranslation of the original Malay.

[ToneLa]

If through happy coincidence, you find at your hotel's breakfast the lovely attractive person from the plane you were sitting by, do not engage them in conversation or even acknowledge them in any way because neither of you came all this bloody way just to chitchat with lonely, horny Brits.

[ToneLa]

In many cities, pickpockets are an unfortunate risk. Nullify their threat by getting rip-roaring, desperately drunk as soon as you get off the plane, staggering around, upset and shouting at these strange people who don't understand, losing your valuables in the process and hence leaving you completely beyond any would-be thieves for the next two weeks.

[ToneLa]

In Holland, there is absolutely zero equivalent concept for being barred from a pub or bar. The astute traveller will exploit this unlimited freedom as much as possible as often as possible, indulging in all their most craven whims, greedily wallowing in this practical invulnerability.

If a member of staff does ask you to leave, simply thank them for trying to make you feel less homesick and give them a small tip, pushing a Euro across the table.

And if - it's a big if! - there's a mix-up where the police are called, simply remind the officers about the Dutch Traveller Immunity Law. Simply point at yourself and scream 'Immunity! Immunity!' to avoid a messy diplomatic incident.

[Ray Travez]

Everyone hates the Royals, don't they? Freeloading bastards! Remember when Frankie Boyle told that joke about the Queen's sexual organs being full of ghosts on Mock the Week? People loved it! "Fuck you, old Queen!" they cried. A great way to endear yourself to new friends is to have several offensive Royal jokes up your sleeve- or maybe an impression! You could crawl around on the floor shouting "I'm a bloody fool! My legs, my legs!"

Well, it's exactly the same in Thailand. A few near-the-knuckle jokes about the King will open doors for you that you never thought would open!

[ToneLa]

Prepare for your holiday by learning Italian until you are absolutely fluent, delaying your departure until this point is reached. Even if you're going to Spain.

[ToneLa]

In Israel, goading is a sign of respect. Express your admiration for this ancient, profound tradition by goading everyone you meet, be it waiters, police officers, or the bloke at customs who should be stamping your passport. Goading truly is the key to enjoying a finer class of Israeli hospitality, as excellent goaders will simply command respect.

[ToneLa]

China can be a baffling order for a westerner, especially when ordering food. To ensure a full belly without the inevitable communication problems, simply remember the Chinese chippy back home.

Why? It's a little known fact, but the numbers assigned to each meal are standardised in oriental culture the world over. Yes, even at the most exclusive, high-class Hong Kong restaurants, you can discard the confusing menu entirely, and simply bark out 'number 66 with chips' and rest easy, knowing you'll be fully understood and your hunger sated sooner rather than later.

[ToneLa]

The benefits of travel are numerous, but it requires experience, dedication, and deep appreciation of different cultures over many years to finally become truly, authentically worldly.

Consider instead, then, clinging to British culture, becoming culturally myopic, never even crossing the borders of your home town. You can become a fixture in your local pub. Become a loyal, regular reader of The Sun newspaper. You could even embrace right-wing nationalist politics in order to reinforce your newfound appreciation for England. There's nothing wrong with Barnsley, after all, and you never liked the taste of that foreign muck in the first place.

[ToneLa]

If agreeing to transport heroin-filled condoms in your stomach to Thailand, you need to be very careful not to burst them. Simply explain this to your stewardess when she asks why you're not wearing a seat belt. Chances are, she's seen this sort of thing before, and will be only too accommodating.

[Fambo Number Mive]

In Canada, there is a third tap in every sink which dispenses maple syrup

[ToneLa]

If you're fed up at home, need a break, and just want to escape, consider a caravan holiday in Rhyl.

There. Now you know how easy you have it. Count your blessings and get on with your job.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

If you are planning on travelling to the UAE, try being a massive cunt. It helps significantly.

[Brian Freeze]

Today's travel tip is brought to you from real life.

Try not to reverse into father in laws car before setting off home. Especially not in front of mother in law.

[Kryton]

Talking louder often helps, especially if they don't understand you. Make some gestures too and mouth the word 'towel, where is it?' ' TOWEL'.

Always haggle down then up then down then up again, then left, right, up down then A, A B start and select.

[dandoystevski]

A nice way of seeing Gaza is to take one of the handy terror tunnels constructed by the reformist Hammas party.  They work in the same way as the London underground's famous chutney chute.

[Ferris]

If you are smuggling a few kilos of meth across borders and think the foreign rozzers have you rumbled, simply snort all the meth before you get to the front of the security line. They can't touch you!

[ToneLa]

If you hear tell of someone else visiting a destination you yourself have already visited, take the hump on a deeply personal level, as if 'you' 'own' any of 'the world', and nobody, absolutely nobody, no philistine, may brutishly trample your personal sacred ground of Magaluff

[ToneLa]

Many people in foreign countries do not speak English; patiently explain that this is why you're better

[ToneLa]

You might find that most cities offer a competitive rate for seniors; hey, if "waiting"'s the excuse that finally blockades your overseas dream wedding, so be it