Travel Tips

[ToneLa]

Ensure you leave highly-visible breadcrumbs in each location you explore.

[ToneLa]

Whatever lays in the northern hemisphere, stays in the northern hemisphere. This will surely be of some comfort.

[ToneLa]

Make every effort to introduce yourself to other travellers; also try to mention you actually like travelling alone, they'll really buy that

[ToneLa]

Don't pretend to follow along with what beers they "have on offer" after you ask such a question, "making them" even explain; this is surely self explanatory, eh, married birds?

[ToneLa]

You may be tempted to photograph on your iPhone great works of art you see on your travels. Don't fool yourself: Before you can take a worthwhile snap, you'll have to admire what the old masters did; the lighting, the texture, and are you really that much of a cunt?

[ToneLa]

Take loads of fucking videos because after you die, right, you can just watch them back later, and what's a finer design of a conduit to the visual world to what you have in your fuckin head already but a device, you fuckin

[ToneLa]

A word from the wise: That bird who pretended to fancy you back when you were 13 because a dance came on that hot, febrile Friday night in Zante and she met your parents and absolutely loved them and just didn't want to let them down probably isn't just, yknow, waiting there, available, horny, curved and single, in the seven years hence; but you don't find oot shit like that with fucking postcards pal.

[ToneLa]

No country you may visit is without its imperfections.

Simply step around the homeless in each place you go. This will allow you to better inscribe your Instragram bikini-selfie posts with unfettered universal wisdom.

[ToneLa]

If allowed into the sacred Amazonian rainforest to investigate an alleged tribe of cannibals, ending in your grisly whereabouts unknown, leading to a more rugged and learned explorer retracing your steps as the backbone for a seminal 1980 shock film, it is in retrospect best not cause too many ructions in the first place mate.

[ToneLa]

Heard of Bognor Regis?

Thought so. Shelve Thailand, mate; Bognor Regis.

[rasta-spouse]

Brits going across the pond - North America can be a real mixed bag can't it? Did you know that when ordering Dominoes pizza in the States it's customary to pretend that the "hockey-puck" pots of garlic-and-herb dip are actually pots of cum?

So when your delivery of sizzling hot fresh takeaway pizza rocks up impress your new-found Yankee friends by being the first to grab the dip and make remarks like "bro, that's a huge salty load right there", "I hope I don't gag on this" or even simply dribble the sauce down your chin and look feverish (don't be too Hollywood about it!) to let your hosts know y'all are on team USA.

[Replies From View]

When borrowing another man's trousers in La Rochelle, be sure to maintain and display a shitty arse during the transference.

[Puce Moment]

In Wales people greet each other by rubbing teeth, similar to eskimos rubbing noses.

[Replies From View]

When visiting any newsagent in New York on a hot summer's day, be sure to ask for a Wall's 9/11 Popping Candy Ice Lolly from the freezer.

[Sebastian Cobb]

A colleague I didn't really like went on a business trip to India, and was that terrified of getting the shits he packed a suitcase full of tins of soup. He still got the shits.

This pleased me immensely.

[Replies From View]

Tins is so very nearly a palindrome of shit.  Makes you think doesn't it.