Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 5,559,182
  • Total Topics: 106,348
  • Online Today: 719
  • Online Ever: 3,311
  • (July 08, 2021, 03:14:41 AM)
Users Online
Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 05:11:57 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Deal or No Deal but Noel is some sort of intergalactic overlord.

Started by Glebe, May 10, 2018, 01:38:10 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

NOEL: Welcome, peoples of Earth, to another episode of this casket-unlocking contest! I bid you good tidings on this Friday afternoon, as I am not feeling in murderous mood at the present time! Now, let us welcome our first vict... our first contestant, Sheila from Stoke-on-Trent!

SHEILA FROM STOKE-ON-TRENT: Hi, Noel!

NOEL: You FOOL! That is not the proper address! You shall refer to me as your 'Master'!

SHEILA: Er, sorry, 'Master' Noel.

NOEL: Good... now, Sheila, tell us a bit about yourself.

SHEILA: Well, I'm from Stoke-on-Trent-

NOEL: -Yes, yes, I already informed the arena of your place of origin!

SHEILA: -ummm, I have a beautiful sister who's here today to support me!

NOEL: Hmmm, yes, she is beautiful... guards, have her brought to my chambers and dressed in a weird space costume! Now, Sheila, which scarlet-coloured container are you going to open first?

SHEILA: Well, I quite like Mark over there, heh, so, it'll have to be box number 21!

NOEL: Mark, I bid you, open your unit and reveal the cash number within!

It turns out to be the £250,000!

NOEL: That is the WRONG BOX!

MARK: Sorry, Sheila!

NOEL: Your apology is weak! Sheila, do you desire I should evaporate his molecules and send them hurtling across the universe?

SHEILA: Er, no thanks, it's alright!

NOEL: I do not understand this refusal! Your puny human minds confound me! See you after the break!

Music!


INT CRINKLEY BOTTOM MANSION THING

BARROWMAN: Welcome to the 3,000th edition of John's House Party!!!

AUDIENCE: Whoooooo!

BARROWMAN: And as a special treat, we've invited the man who made the House Party such a massive success, It's Sammy The Chamois!

AUDIENCE: Yaaaaay!

MORRISSEY (NOT THAT ONE): I clean the windows!

BARROWMAN: As we all know, you were the driving force behind the show back when it started in 1991. Let's go back down memory lane as we revisit some of Sammy's best bits. Please note, for legal reasons we've had to pixelate the face of one cast member.

AUDIENCE: Whooooo!

*The front door smashes in, The doorway fills with smoke. Noel Edmonds strides through the carnage.*

NOEL: Kneel before Edmonds!

BARROWMAN: Bailiffs!

*Two bailiffs run onto the set, Noel vaporises them with a laser gauntlet on his left hand*

NOEL: Your puny bailiffs are nothing to me now. Now, you. Will. KNEEL.

MORRISSEY (NOT THAT ONE): Come on Noel. We don't want any trouble.

NOEL: Trouble? You think so small, Chamois. Look at you all, with your precious gunge, grabbing at mere grands. I have seen riches you couldn't contemplate. I have fashioned a Gotcha the size of Wembley stadium out of solid gold and I destroyed three planets to do so at the cost of nine billion worthless lives.

BARROWMAN: What do you want?

NOEL: Captain Jack Harkness! I have heard much of you. The hero that cannot die. What say we put that to the test?

BARROWMAN: No. Please. I'm just an actor, singer and all-around entertainer.

NOEL: Just as I thought. You are nothing. You aren't worthy of the House Party. You aren't worthy of LIFE!

*Edmonds picks up Barrowman with the gauntlet and crushes his windpipe and spine and throws him to the floor.*

NOEL: See, Chamois? See how the pretenders to my throne are so easily cast aside? Are you to be next?

MORRISSEY (NOT THAT ONE): Please, Noel, I'll do anything.

NOEL: Wait 'Til I Get You Home? Why wait when I can vaporise you NOW?!

*Suddenly, the whole house is bathed in a bright light*

LOUD BOOMING VOICE: Mr. Noel Edmonds? We're here on behalf of Lloyds Galactic Banking Group with permission from the Universal Planetary Alliance. This house belongs to us. Please vacate the premises or we will be forced to take action.

NOEL (laughing): You... You think I fear you? Did you not see my Youtube parody advertisement? I don't just own this house! I own the entire universe! I AM THE HOUSE PARTY! AND THE HOUSE PARTY IS EDMONDS!!!

LOUD BOOMING VOICE: Then we have no choice... Dispatch the indestructible robot space bailiffs!

NOEL: Oh, fuck.


DangledTeeth

Noel: Greetings, Earthlings! Another day in the Doom Factory on the planet Quim.

Audience: Fucking cheer!

Noel: I don't quite remember how DOND started in terms of selecting the contestant... think it was a random selection with a spotlight or something.

Spotlight: Jane-Spindle Nebulas from Dowlish Wake, Earth. COME-ON-DOOOOWN!

Noel: Select boxes, mate.

Jane: Box number 12.

Box: A RELATIVELY LOW FIGURE. NOT DISAPPOINTING!

Jane: Box number 4.

Box: HIGHEST AMOUNT, MATE. SORRY.

Jane: Any box that isn't number 4 or 12.

Box: FUUUUCK! YOU AIN'T GONNA LIKE THIS.

Telephone: I am the banker on the other end.

Noel (On Phone): What is thy bidding, master? (Hands phone to Jane) He wants a quick exchange of verbals.

Jane (On phone): Oooh-wooh, that's generous of you. Buh-bye.

Noel: Well...

Jane: He says I can deal at £62,000.

Noel: Did he?! I ought to reduce it to five noughts - precisely zilch quids!

Jane: But the banker and I have made a deal.

Noel: I am altering the deal! Pray I don't alter it any further!

Jane: This Deal or No Deal is getting worse all the time.

Noel: You shall be transported back to your home planet of The Milky Way Galaxy Ripple with nothing about your person except your travel documents.

Jane: That's not fair by any means!

Noel: No, it is not. So, I'll furnish you with 100 pounds...

Jane: Oh, than-

Noel: ... in order for you to pay the Quim tax.

Jane: Wh-wha'?!

Noel: QUIM TAX! Silence. Quim tax, you understand.  1 x 100 in your currency. Now, please.

Jane appears dour as the camera swings towards Noel

Noel: Oh, what an episode. Another contestant failed to gain 250,000 dog-eared Books Etc. tokens. Maybe next time on... DEAL OR NO DEAL - IN SPACE

Glebe

DRUM & BASS: *dum dum, dah-dumma dumma dumma... dum dum, dah-dumma dumma dumma...

AUDIENCE: YAAAAAAAAY!!!

NOEL: SILENCE, scum! Or I shall reduce the entire studio to cinders with but a mere flick of my finger! Now, please extend greetings to our contestant today... Jim from Hounslow!

JIM: Hello... Master Noel!

NOEL: Very good... and I feign diplomacy by also hailing you, mere earth-worm, though my pleasantries are insincere and I could crush you with the slightest wave of my hand!

*the phone rings*

NOEL: Yes? Who is this? Your silence makes me angry!

FLOOR MANAGER: Er, you're supposed to pretend it's the Banker.

NOEL: Do not provoke me, underling! Or you will find yourself and your family digging in the sludge mines of Vortex #12 for the rest of your miserable existences! Now, Jim, I give you leave to command the opening of the first box!

JIM: Okay... I'll go with Janet, she seems nice!

NOEL: Appearances can seem deceptive, as I have discovered during my long, draconian reign! In any case... reveal your arcane symbol, Janet!

JANET: Good luck, Jim!

It turns out to be the 1p

AUDIENCE: YAAAAAAAY!!!

NOEL: STOP! Stop your wailing! I am bringing the games to a premature halt! Jim, you will take this 1p and depart! Do you dare contradict me?

JIM shakes his head vigorously

NOEL: It is well you obey me, for you know not the true power of the Edmonds! Now, where is that lackey that insulted me earlier! Take him forth and throw him to the Blobby!

FLOOR MANAGER: NOOOOOOOOO!!!