Being terminally single

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-43956366

I found this a compelling personal story, whose experiences at points strongly reflected my own. Though I had sex at an apparently normal age I also have been through long periods of time single and still in my early 30s haven't experienced intimacy with more than 10 people (which I am not sure whether is normal or not, but I know plenty of people for whom a weekend was essentially a 'who will I shag' lucky dip).

I know from a few people on here who have been brave enough to share that they have struggled to establish an intimate connection with another human being and although they clearly are charismatic, potentially loving and honourable people, they have deep-seated problems preventing that from happening that they try to rationalise and normalise, which is perfectly natural - this is the mental last line of defence to try and 'own' your state of being, but clearly possess a desire for fulfilment, and to reach that fulfilment need to make positive change which involves if not leaving, then reconnaissance outside their comfort zones.

Most of my friends had girlfriends. I watched from the sidelines while they were starting relationships and, later, getting married. That had a corrosive effect on my self-esteem, in a drip-drip way.

I was lonely and quite depressed - although I didn't recognise it then. That might have been about not having a sexual relationship, but it was also about a lack of intimacy.

I look back now and for about 15, probably 20 years, I really wasn't touched by a human being or held by anyone apart from immediate members of my family, like my mum, my dad and my sisters. Apart from that, any sort of physical, intimate contact was absent.

This is an aspect I related to strongly, indeed when my first long term relationship (ie. longer than 2 months) came along, I worried her by softly crying when I was being held in her arms because it was essentially an unloading of all that pent-up emotion, anguish and despair. Part of me had refused to believe it was ever going to happen, and it was part of the process of the weight being lifted from my shoulders. For the first few weeks I was considerably more interested in that than sex, I had essentially spent several years being a dysfunctional fuckup who made an assumption - partly based on people saying "oh just wait, it'll happen" - the wrong assumption, that someone would chat me up, or I'd meet someone at the right house party and get on. It just never happened and I eventually knew I had to get online and run the gauntlet of dating, because fulfilment is a slower, but stronger impulse than that of resisting short term embarrassment.

If I saw somebody who I fancied, I didn't feel any excitement or pleasure - instead, my instant reaction was one of sadness and depression. I had a sense of hopelessness about it all.

I didn't have a fear of rejection - the idea of rejection was irrelevant because I was so certain that no-one would be reciprocating any attraction I felt.

It might have been a defence mechanism on my part, but I developed a deep feeling that it might be wrong to approach women and that it might be an imposition on them. I was certainly never going to be that guy who "used" women.

I felt women had the right to go about everyday life and enjoy a night out without having anyone approach them.

Again, this is entirely aligned with my successful thread "the utter abject horror of fancying someone", and I believe, and indeed still believe that approaching women is an imposition, and indeed the latest movements seem to make it even more of a potential minefield to simply approach a stranger and start talking to them on the assumption they will want to listen and respond.

---

I am not the person to give out advice as though I know everything about this, but I would recommend internet dating to any of you who relate to what you read there. The security of knowing the purpose of your meeting helps provide a solid basis - the uncertainty and chance of insulting or embarrassing a stranger makes it impossible for me to approach them, even if they look nice. However, on a date you know why you are both there (especially if you've literally asked them what they're dating for). If the person keeps showing up, they're interested in you. That's it. After that you just have to pick your moment. In my case first time around it simply happened - this time around I asked nicely, albeit excruciatingly awkwardly, and got a kiss.

Like everything in life, you build your confidence on every little success, and it can seem hopeless when your life has become mired by poor choices, but you have to try if it's what you want and start from somewhere, even if it's from scratch.

[biggytitbo]

The sex robots can't come soon enough (if you pardon the expression) -

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

Which one of those is the robot?

[Twed]

Though I had sex at an apparently normal age

You saying things like this might have something to do with it

[Pranet]

still in my early 30s haven't experienced intimacy with more than 10 people

#humblebrag

[biggytitbo]

Which one of those is the robot?

It's a picture of Catherine Tate with her new George Costanza fuck-droid.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You saying things like this might have something to do with it

No it was due to getting drunk at a house party and criticising her home town which sparked a long conversation and fooling around.

Always criticise where people come from, my top pulling tip.

[pancreas]

I think intimacy is a good word. I would guess definitely more important for mental health than the sex.

Take me, for example. I am now in the business of turning straight men eleven years my junior into bisexuals or—who knows—maybe even full woofters. We did not have sex, or even snogging (due to my insane abilities of erotic abnegation) but there was certainly extreme intimacy and it made for a heady evening. Kind of just letting it known that you find someone quite so desirable that you want to spend time with them in very close quarters is quite a lot. Although I'm now worrying that I'm just the latest in the string of what were previously women rejecting his demands for more permanent arrangements, although, having said that, that was never really in play from either perspective.

Hope that helps.

[St_Eddie]

Catherine Tate has let herself go.  The sex doll isn't looking too great either.

[checkoutgirl]

I am now in the business of turning straight men eleven years my junior into bisexuals

Bit you've resisted the urge to bang on and on about it for the last 8 days straight. That's the most impressive part.

[pancreas]

Bit you've resisted the urge to bang on and on about it for the last 8 days straight. That's the most impressive part.

Well, the thing is, checkoutgirl, that I had no idea I was so fulsomely attractive. But it turns out I am! Would you like to become a bisexual? I could sort you out.

[shiftwork2]

Take me, for example. I am now in the business of turning straight men eleven years my junior into bisexuals or—who knows—maybe even full woofters.

One thread and now two subsidiary mentions, three days apart.  It is on your mind.  You should have boned this dude.  I cannot help you with what could have been, only God can do that.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I think intimacy is a good word.

Yes, imagine what it means to someone after several years of nothing to even have their face softly touched, or a finger brush their lips, let alone what else happens. All the effort you put into bottling things up and being stoical and carrying on just floods out, all these dormant parts of your brain and body spark and rumble into life along with a sheer outpouring of relief. It's difficult to keep it together, not go too intense, yet it's also understandable.

Intimacy is still the best, the whole point for me. After am evening with my partner I still walk home in a daze of hormones.

[shiftwork2]

Yes, imagine what it means to someone after several years of nothing to even have their face softly touched, or a finger brush their lips, let alone what else happens. All the effort you put into bottling things up and being stoical and carrying on just floods out, all these dormant parts of your brain and body spark and rumble into life along with a sheer outpouring of relief. It's difficult to keep it together, not go too intense, yet it's also understandable.

Intimacy is still the best, the whole point for me. After am evening with my partner I still walk home in a daze of hormones.

This is well articulated, and it's the most important thing in our brief days.  Yes, nobody will ever completely understand you.  But life is much better with those who almost do.

[checkoutgirl]

I had no idea I was so fulsomely attractive.

But you're a gayman. If anyone should know how attractive they are it's a gayman.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

I had no idea I was so fulsomely attractive.

The prison?

[pancreas]

One thread and now two subsidiary mentions, three days apart.  It is on your mind.  You should have boned this dude.  I cannot help you with what could have been, only God can do that.

Of course it is on my mind. I've just learnt that I am so sexually potent as to be able to turn straight men. Now, come clean. We've met several times. When was the first time you thought about bedding me?

[St_Eddie]

But you're a gayman. If anyone should know how attractive they are it's a gayman.

[Lemming]

If you're touch-starved and in need of emotional intimacy but can't find/don't want a relationship, nil desperandum, get a couple of extra pillows and stitch them together at the ends until the resulting pillow homunculus is around your height - slightly taller or shorter, depending on your preference. After decorating it in any way you wish, take the hideous voodoo mockery of the human form you have created, put it in bed next to you, and cuddle it whenever you're feeling desperate for a hug from another real human! It's just like the real thing

*weeps uncontrollably*

[Emma Raducanu]

I was late to the game. 24 years old and on my own after briefly seeing a girl. Told me one night that we shouldn't be together. I fucking begged her to reconsider. Said if there's one thing she never does is change her mind.

All I had in the bank were a few drunken snogs. And this was it. I'd tired so hard to make it work and suddenly I was properly staring into the abyss; an endless life of solitude and none beside me 60 years into the future on my deathbed.

Two months later I met the love of my life and we've been together 10 years.

I get what the guy in the article means about mourning what never happened. Sometimes I wish I could have had more of a history. Sometimes I see women who are beautiful and regret I have no reference of how it might be to be with them. A mild depression sets in while I submit to never knowing.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

If you're touch-starved and in need of emotional intimacy but can't find/don't want a relationship, nil desperandum, get a couple of extra pillows and stitch them together at the ends until the resulting pillow homunculus is around your height - slightly taller or shorter, depending on your preference. After decorating it in any way you wish, take the hideous voodoo mockery of the human form you have created, put it in bed next to you, and cuddle it whenever you're feeling desperate for a hug from another real human! It's just like the real thing

*weeps uncontrollably*

Tried that once. Came home from work one day to find it had moved out.

[Zetetic]

I am now in the business of turning straight men eleven years my junior into ...

Most of the evidence points to a UTI. Possibly a medication side-effect. Worth investigating.



I've only had two romantic (?) relationships, and one's now gone on a quarter of my life. It's in a bit of a state, mind you - not helped on my part by the fact that I can't really be doing with sustaining more than one friendship at a time, or holding onto fuckless friendships that don't involve forced daily contact.

I was terrified of having to live lonely from about 12-17. I've gone through periods of that in the last few years, but also periods of being quite enamoured of the idea of being left alone.

[Buelligan]

Yep, I think it's beautiful to be alone. 

[shiftwork2]

Of course it is on my mind. I've just learnt that I am so sexually potent as to be able to turn straight men. Now, come clean. We've met several times. When was the first time you thought about bedding me?

Being serious for a second, the potency thing is hard (for anyone) to give up because why the fuck wouldn't it be?  If someone makes you feel that way then that's intoxicating, and wonderfully amazing.  On to your second bit, well, you're charismatic and unlike your online persona, utterly lovely, which may come as a surprise to pancreas virgin readers but we're all here to learn and GROW and develop and shit.

[St_Eddie]

Tried that once. Came home from work one day to find it had moved out.

Wonderfully absurd.

[Dr Syntax Head]

I fuck up every relationship I get into. I think it's best for everyone I stay single now.

[Dr Syntax Head]

Yep, I think it's beautiful to be alone.

I could do with some strong reminders of why this is so.

[Sebastian Cobb]

The sex robots can't come soon enough (if you pardon the expression) -

Tussads fuck-up Catherine Tate.

[Lemming]

I could do with some strong reminders of why this is so.

Chiefly, the advantages are in relation to toilet/bathroom logistics, but there's a slew of other benefits too, such as only having to cook for yourself, and having real-life experiences that translate perfectly into military-grade, thread-winning Desolation Thread posts.

[MoonDust]

Being alone is all well and good if your head is all good. When you're depressed and/or suffering anxiety then being alone - physically and emotionally - is fucking horrible.