Matt Allwright - is he all right?

[Shit Good Nose]

I've just learnt that next week during the course of my job I'm going to be in the presence of Matt Allwright and a film crew.  I don't know the full deets, other than I'm not going to be featured in whatever it is he's filming, I'm just going to be in the same place he is.  I don't know if this is for Watchdog (does he even still do it any more?) or for that housing officer daytime show, but I'm not allowed to go into any details with anyone (not that I know anything).

So is he all right, or a massive wanker?

Bit difficult to guage him from most things I've seen him in - either in full BDSM bike leathers cornering dodgy small business owners at their industrial park premises, sat on an old sofa listening sympathetically to an old couple talk about being billed for porn the husband definitely hasn't watched, or constantly calling Anne Robinson Annie.

Thoughts?

[Huxleys Babkins]

All I know is that if you're a rogue trader, he'll keep asking you if you're a rogue trader until you drive off. Then the camera will pan out and he'll sign off with some whimsy.

Are you a rogue trader?

[MiddleRabbit]

He makes me feel sympathy for the rogue traders, so insufferable is his prickdom.

[Shit Good Nose]

Are you a rogue trader?

No, definitely not.  Although I did once sell my region 1 DVD of The Good The Bad and The Ugly on eBay and the guy who bought it left me loads of negative feedback and sent me an abusive message cos it wouldn't play on his player.  But then, in my defence, in the listing I clearly stated it was a region 1 DVD and would only play on a multiregion or dedicated region 1 player and he just completely ignored that and bought it anyway.  The cunt.

[Spoon of Ploff]

If you're to be speaking actual words don't forget to slip in a CAB reference. It'll be worth the risk of coming across as unsuitable, Matt Allwright giving you funny looks and being cut from filming.

Tell us what CAB reference you're going to try to slip in there. "Those rogue traders should 'get in grave' right Matt?"

[The Lurker]

I have nothing to add to this discussion but the only thing I know of Matt Allwright is that when I was at university, we had to create some marketing/public relations campaign from some identity theft safety awareness shit. Trying to go with the "influencer" effect, we wrote plans for an online ad where Matt Allwright is discussing how easy identity theft is and to promote it with the hashtag #IDtheftisnotAllwright.

We weren't being marked on it, which is just as well, but now every time I see him on TV I think "that's the bloke who knows that identity theft isn't Allwright".

So, long story short, as long as you don't steal his identity then he should be all right.

[Shit Good Nose]

If you're to be speaking actual words don't forget to slip in a CAB reference. It'll be worth the risk of coming across as unsuitable, Matt Allwright giving you funny looks and being cut from filming.

Tell us what CAB reference you're going to try to slip in there. "Those rogue traders should 'get in grave' right Matt?"

Alas I already know I'm not going to be featured in whatever it is they're filming, and I'm not going to be interviewed or owt.

"Strong chance" of mingling in between filming as they'll be wanting to use the kitchen for refreshments and such, but other than that I won't have a chance to look directly at the camera and say "......mate......" to the nation.

So, long story short, as long as you don't steal his identity then he should be all right.

Not planning on it.

[The Lurker]

If you're to be speaking actual words don't forget to slip in a CAB reference. It'll be worth the risk of coming across as unsuitable, Matt Allwright giving you funny looks and being cut from filming.

Tell us what CAB reference you're going to try to slip in there. "Those rogue traders should 'get in grave' right Matt?"

This is a great shout. Not long ago, I was in a pub where Channel 4 for filming for some documentary. This obviously comes with the risk of saying or doing something stupid on national TV so I just thought I could say something like "Channel 4 is fucking shit" or "Do you know what I love? ITV, that's what" mid-sentence and it would 100% be cut from filming. Thankfully it didn't come to that but it's always good to have a back up plan.

[Sebastian Cobb]

He makes me feel sympathy for the rogue traders, so insufferable is his prickdom.

I'd be less vexed about that wrister trying to shame my poor work attitudes than that Dom Littkewood prick getting all up in my business with his squeaky aggressive schtick. I'd tell that failed Andy Parsons impersonator to get to fuck make no mistake.

[Shit Good Nose]

I'd be less vexed about that wrister trying to shame my poor work attitudes than that Dom Littkewood prick getting all up in my business with his squeaky aggressive schtick. I'd tell that failed Andy Parsons impersonator to get to fuck make no mistake.

So are we saying that Matt Allwright is a less aggressive Dom Littlewood?

[boki]

"Strong chance" of mingling in between filming as they'll be wanting to use the kitchen for refreshments and such, but other than that I won't have a chance to look directly at the camera and say "......mate......" to the nation.

So you could follow him to the bogs and prepare a detailed report on his apparatus for your ol' pals.

Obviously, I'm not condoning that course of action, but just thought I'd make you aware of the possibility, so you could minimise the risk or something.

[Shit Good Nose]

That's going to be difficult as I'm a serial cubicle user on account of my gunshyness.  But, for you guys, I might make an exception.  I work out a John McClane style cock-spying moment.  I'll catch his Mattness unawares by smashing through the window on the end of a hosepipe.  He'll have no choice but to spin around whilst he still has his douglas out.


EDIT - just remind me - why do we want to know what his cock's like?  Or have I completely misunderstood your use of "apparatus" on account of my wanting to see Matt Allwright's cock?

[boki]

Culture of entitlement, mate.  I don't make the rules.

[holyzombiejesus]

As Alan Partridge said, "his name is probably about fair. I think Matt Excellent or even Matt Verygood would be pushing it, but as I say - lot of time for the chap."

[the]

Try to catch him coming out of a bog cubicle so that you can immediately pounce on him, squawking:

'Did you enjoy your shit, Matt? Have you enjoyed your shit, Matt? Would you like to tell us about your shit, Matt? Can you explain why you were having a shit, Matt?'

ad infinitum.

When he tells you to fuck off and leaves the toilet, turn to your imaginary film crew and say 'it seems he doesn't want to talk to us about his shit!'. Then enjoy an utterly unwarranted feeling of having somehow made a point.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

Ask him about the body in his pool.

[Sebastian Cobb]

So are we saying that Matt Allwright is a less aggressive Dom Littlewood?

Less aggressive and less short. These things may be related.

[Danger Man]

I don't know the full deets, other than I'm not going to be featured in whatever it is he's filming,

Oh...is it a new show called "People with great hair and foreskins who are skill at everything"?

[Dr Rock]

The best thing to say is 'where's your mate?' because his old partner driving the stupid motorbike got done for benefit fraud and was sacked.

[Rolf Lundgren]

His career has followed a similar trajectory to Nick Knowles and look what happened to him.

[Shaky]

I've just googled his face and it's not looking good, I'm afraid (both his face and the time you'll spend together). Maybe shove him about a bit to establish dominance?

[RedRevolver]

Matt Allwright is alright, Matthew Wright, on the other hand, is a cunt.

Hope that helps.

[RedRevolver]

His career has followed a similar trajectory to Nick Knowles and look what happened to him.

He gets BAFTA nominations and a sense of humour that allows him to laugh at himself releasing a shit album, otherwise known as 'self-esteem'.

[Better Midlands]

skill

African bum disease

[saltysnacks]

When you see him, say 'Are you Allwright?'. He'll love that.

[fat_abbott]

It's probably a segment for "The One Show". So that's all you need to know about him.

[lebowskibukowski]

EDIT - just remind me - why do we want to know what his cock's like?  Or have I completely misunderstood your use of "apparatus" on account of my wanting to see Matt Allwright's cock?

Who wouldn't want to see a celebrity todger in the flesh, so to speak? I have seen both Jerry Sadowitz's (on stage) and Paddy 'Pantsdown' Ashdown's (toilets of a Brighton hotel) and my life has been enriched by the experience.

Both were flaccid, I should add...

[Shit Good Nose]

I didn't see his todger...


So it happened Wednesday morning - he comes in with camera, sound and a few other people.  Turns out it's for some corporate video about whistle blowing (of the business corruption kind, not literally blowing a whistle).  Chuff knows why they filmed it in the building in question (the video wasn't even for my employers), but there you go.  I shared a few minutes' chat with him and he seemed...well, he seemed all right.  At first we just said hello to each other, and then my mobile rang and I currently have China Cat Sunflower by The Grateful Dead as my ringtone, which got him talking.  Turns out he's a massive c...ountry music fan (not mutually exclusive hahahaha, etc) and he raved about American Beauty and Workingman's Dead (two Dead albums I'm not keen on, mainly cos I hate country music, which I did admit to him), and one of his colleagues commented on how brilliant he is on the pedal steel and lap guitar (at which Matt just humbly shrugged and eyerolled), to which I remorsed about the time I sold my 70s custom Gibson SG because I wanted a car.  And that was the extent of our intercourse.

[ollyboro]

Is this the cunt who channels Esther fucking Rantzen through a piss poor impression of  Matin Platt from Cozza? Coz if it is he's a cunt. Didn't he have some kind of passive homoerotic leather joy boy relationship with a dole cheat? The bloke was on national telly whilst signing on and did Allshite notice? Like shite he did. And when he was Esther fucking Rantzen he did Jack fucking shit about Sir James Wilson Vincent Savile OBE KCSG. Stab him. Unless he's someone else.

[Shit Good Nose]

I have no idea who Matin Platt or what Cozza is, but yes, I think it's the same guy.

But that was the extent of my 7 or 8 minutes meeting him.  It's not like we're slapping skins now and I can take him to task for stuff he maybe should have done something about.