Bogroll fuckups (saturday thread)

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

• It is a saturday.


• Realised at 23:00 that I needed a shite


• No bogroll in the house, and all the shops are shut


• Resort to tearing up my least favourite shirt (white generic 3-in-a-pack one that has gone grey due to neglect and incompetent and/or fuck headed washing


• Come to terms with the fact that ripping it up with my hands creates unsatisfactory arse towel strip shapes


• Cut finger open while reaching into washbag to retrieve scissors (touched a razor thing)


• Only just about manage to successfully wipe arse while trying to stem the blood now covering my bathroom floor, ripped up white shirt and hands


• Desperately try and remove blood bathroom remnants so the resident house bastards in my house don't think I'm some kind of axe murderer type


• Post a thread on CaB

What was your biggest bogroll fuckup in the world? Especially if it was on a saturday. Please respond.

[Steven]

Why not just hop in the shower after a shite?

Or the bath, if that's something you're into..

[bgmnts]

Or a book. Or kitchen paper. Or anything besides a shirt?

[pancreas]

I really hope people here take you to task for this litany of calamity. Personally, I can't believe how angry I am at how stupid you have been.

[Twed]

You should have simply used the scissors to cut off your bum.

[Dex Sawash]

Good band name though

[Chairman Bodog]

You should have used the shirt you're most fond of. The balance would be restored and you wouldn't kick start this thread.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Or a book. Or kitchen paper. Or anything besides a shirt?

This. In a past life my bathroom had a magazine rack full of viz magazines that came in handy in these circumstances.

Also, socks are less valuable than t-shirts and already the right shape for bumhole cleaning. THIS IS A HANDY TIP IF YOU EVER NEED TO TAKE A SHITE IN AN OUTDOOR SITUATION.

You can also, if you're careful, unravel the cardboard tube of a spent bogroll and wipe your arse with that.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Or a book. Or kitchen paper. Or anything besides a shirt?

Need books for reading also book paper hurts the arse.

No kitchen roll anywhere in the house either, we are a fucking colossus of a household.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Also, socks are less valuable than t-shirts and already the right shape for bumhole cleaning. THIS IS A HANDY TIP IF YOU EVER NEED TO TAKE A SHITE IN AN OUTDOOR SITUATION.

No, socks are more valuable than shirts I'd say. I'm never in need of a shirt given that they last multiple days and I'm buying them all the time due to financial mismanagement and stupid millenial twat vanity. Socks, on the other hand, always vanish and fall apart and about 70% of my current ones are full of holes yet I still need them cause I keep forgetting to buy new ones. You'll probably tell me "just cunting erase the cack from your shite caverns with a holey sock", but I feel that if you think "oh it's one sock, no big deal" then one sock may become multiple socks and I'll look back one day and realise I have no cunting socks in the entire HOUSE, and that is a position nobody wants to be in. It has happened once before and is truly horrifying. What the hell do you do if you have no socks?

You can also, if you're careful, unravel the cardboard tube of a spent bogroll and wipe your arse with that.

Fair play that is a decent little trick. Probably should have done that.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I think I've reworn socks (due to shortages) more than I've reworn t-shirts or shirts.

[ollyboro]

Get a coffee table.

[Steven]

Get a coffee table.

And a Hitler.

[ollyboro]

It's a shame "The Troubles" are over. You could have gone on a dirt protest in H Block. Save your shit  'til we get an Irish border.

[Sebastian Cobb]

It's a shame "The Troubles" are over. You could have gone on a dirt protest in H Block. Save your shit  'til we get an Irish border.

Or gone down the bookies. Dirty protests, shits in urinals and slightly worse for wear men scraping the shite out their jeans, the place has seen it all.

[Shit Good Nose]

Need books for reading also book paper hurts the arse.

No kitchen roll anywhere in the house either, we are a fucking colossus of a household.

No, socks are more valuable than shirts I'd say. I'm never in need of a shirt given that they last multiple days and I'm buying them all the time due to financial mismanagement and stupid millenial twat vanity. Socks, on the other hand, always vanish and fall apart and about 70% of my current ones are full of holes yet I still need them cause I keep forgetting to buy new ones. You'll probably tell me "just cunting erase the cack from your shite caverns with a holey sock", but I feel that if you think "oh it's one sock, no big deal" then one sock may become multiple socks and I'll look back one day and realise I have no cunting socks in the entire HOUSE, and that is a position nobody wants to be in. It has happened once before and is truly horrifying. What the hell do you do if you have no socks?

Fair play that is a decent little trick. Probably should have done that.

That's all well and good, but the correct answer was given in the very first response to you.  Explain why you didn't just do that?  Even just hanging your arse over the sink and giving it a rinse with warm water would've been easier, quicker and cleaner.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

^ Water does absolutely piss all for belligerent clagnuts. Unless you use soap in which case you end up with the horrific ultimate result of getting SHIT ON YOUR SOAP. I've thought this all through.

[Vodka Margarine]

Squares are best with whatever makeshift material you may have. Why do you think bog roll segments are designed in that shape? Any way, you needn't have bothered because like hair and Glastonbury, a malattended pooey bum eventually just cleans itself.

[Sebastian Cobb]

^ Water does absolutely piss all for belligerent clagnuts. Unless you use soap in which case you end up with the horrific ultimate result of getting SHIT ON YOUR SOAP. I've thought this all through.

When one of my mates bust his hand he was moaning that he'd had to resort to rubbing his soap on himself to clean himself which bemused me a little because that's the way I've always used a bar of soap.

[ollyboro]

Squares are best with whatever makeshift material you may have. Why do you think bog roll segments are designed in that shape? Any way, you needn't have bothered because like hair and Glastonbury, a malattended pooey bum eventually just cleans itself.

Believe what the fuck you want about square bog roll paper, but the fact is 3d pyramid shape would be the best shape. You could use the pointy bit to chip away at any awkward bits. So why don't the manufacturers do something about it? Cost. Customers would not be prepared to pay the extra. It's Grenfell all over again.

[St_Eddie]

I keep an emergency copy of my local newspaper in my flat at all times, for this exact reason.  Although it must be said that it didn't feel great to wipe my arse with the face of a starving African kid, which was plastered upon the page as a part of a charity advert.  Also, one ends up with an inky bum, which is far from ideal.  Still beats using clothing items, mind.  Surely you wouldn't even be able to flush those soiled bits o' t-shirt down the bog?

[Steven]

^ Water does absolutely piss all for belligerent clagnuts.

Not if you use the shower on high pressure. And it's not like I get some kind of perverse pleasure from squirting high pressure water streams up my arse, it's purely for utilitarian purposes because I sometimes forget to buy bogroll. Historically.

[Shit Good Nose]

^ Water does absolutely piss all for belligerent clagnuts. Unless you use soap in which case you end up with the horrific ultimate result of getting SHIT ON YOUR SOAP. I've thought this all through.

Warm water and soapy hands will clear even the most belligerent of clagnuts.  Rinse anus then wash hands again after.  You clearly haven't thought this all through.

[thraxx]

I had a filthy horrific shit at work last week, my arse was covered in shite of various consistencies, it felt horrible.  Pulled the loo roll of the dispenser for easier unspooling, dropped the roll, it hit my foot and jagged off sideways under the partition into the next cubicle.  Hadn't even managed one wiping.  I waited but the bogs were busy with pissers, no other shiters, so I had to pull up my kecks and trousers mid horrific shite, amble out of the cubicle a couple of cubicles down to recover the bog hole with my arsehole squirming with poisonous toxic shite and scuttle back into my cubicle in front of my workmates.  Upon wiping I inspected the pattern of shite and confirmed that it had invaded of the arse surface.  Normally when I have a shite at work I feel like a king, but I felt like a tramp that day.

[Shit Good Nose]

I had a filthy horrific shit at work last week, my arse was covered in shite of various consistencies, it felt horrible.  Pulled the loo roll of the dispenser for easier unspooling, dropped the roll, it hit my foot and jagged off sideways under the partition into the next cubicle.  Hadn't even managed one wiping.  I waited but the bogs were busy with pissers, no other shiters, so I had to pull up my kecks and trousers mid horrific shite, amble out of the cubicle a couple of cubicles down to recover the bog hole with my arsehole squirming with poisonous toxic shite and scuttle back into my cubicle in front of my workmates.  Upon wiping I inspected the pattern of shite and confirmed that it had invaded of the arse surface.  Normally when I have a shite at work I feel like a king, but I felt like a tramp that day.

Now, see, we all sympathise AND empathise there cos you were at work.  Difficult place to have a shitting fail.  But our man clearly said he was at home.  There's absolutely no excuse for his behaviour.  None at all.

[steve98]

I always carry a packet of Rizlas in my wallet for emergency wiping, in case there's no paper. If you want to try it don't try to use one paper per finger per wipe as you'll get shit everywhere; what's best is to let the Rizlas in your wallet get slightly damp(you can store a piece of orange peel with them) so they all glue together; then you can pull out a sort of streamer of papers and just tear it to whatever length suits.

[bgmnts]

I have a good idea.

Keep a pack of coarse sandpaper in the bathroom, forcing you to use that if paper is used up.

You will keep a healthy supply of toilet paper at all times.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I always carry a packet of Rizlas in my wallet for emergency wiping, in case there's no paper. If you want to try it don't try to use one paper per finger per wipe as you'll get shit everywhere; what's best is to let the Rizlas in your wallet get slightly damp(you can store a piece of orange peel with them) so they all glue together; then you can pull out a sort of streamer of papers and just tear it to whatever length suits.

Why not just keep some bog roll in your wallet?

Now you mention it, I've got a habit of shoving my reciepts in my wallet and because I never bother emptying it there's always heaps of them in there. I've definitely wiped my arse with that in pubs when there's been no shit paper.

[Steven]

[steve98]

Why not just keep some bog roll in your wallet?

Yeah, you could do.