Bogroll fuckups (saturday thread)

[St_Eddie]

I always carry a packet of Rizlas in my wallet for emergency wiping, in case there's no paper. If you want to try it don't try to use one paper per finger per wipe as you'll get shit everywhere; what's best is to let the Rizlas in your wallet get slightly damp(you can store a piece of orange peel with them) so they all glue together; then you can pull out a sort of streamer of papers and just tear it to whatever length suits.

Oh, wow.  This is excellent.  I've lost count of the number of times my packet of Rizlas has got damp after a night down the pub or a trip into town when it's raining, transforming the individual papers within, into a lengthy string of useless and inseparable papers.  I've had to resort to binning them, time and time again.  No longer!  Thanks to you I now have a backup for emergency brown botty situations.  Those papers will be wasted no more.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.  I mean that sincerely.

[Cerys]

This would never have happened if you had a bionic arse.

[Gregory Torso]

I once wiped my arse on a roll of spare wallpaper near the toilet when no other material was available. It had little ducks on it (the wallpaper I mean, not my arse). A scratchy, angular experience. Would not recommend.

[St_Eddie]

This would never have happened if you had a bionic arse.

Show off.  Stop rubbing your bionic arse in our faces!

I once wiped my arse on a roll of spare wallpaper near the toilet when no other material was available. It had little ducks on it...

Won't somebody think of the children ducks.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Women always carry tissues in their "bags", that I've seen them carry around. Firstly, how do they know what to do, who told them? Secondly, that's not fair, I wasn't told to do sensible things I was told I was a man and for all I know those were the instructions given.

[Cerys]

Show off.  Stop rubbing your bionic arse in our faces.

Shan't.

[Replies From View]

For me it is a spectacularly bad day when I do have bogroll.  Boy, I hate it when that happens.

When I badly need a shit and it turns out I do have bogroll, I hurriedly attempt to block the toilet up with anything I can find, so that a plumber needs to be called and my shitting needs to be postponed or, if I'm very very desperate, I have to do it in a bin or sink.

Sometimes I am unable to block the toilet and I am able to have a shit easily and wipe my arse with bogroll, whereupon my entire day is ruined.

[Norton Canes]

We've got a bum gun. Toilet paper is only required for drying.

[mothman]

I had a filthy horrific shit at work last week, my arse was covered in shite of various consistencies, it felt horrible.  Pulled the loo roll of the dispenser for easier unspooling, dropped the roll, it hit my foot and jagged off sideways under the partition into the next cubicle.  Hadn't even managed one wiping.  I waited but the bogs were busy with pissers, no other shiters, so I had to pull up my kecks and trousers mid horrific shite, amble out of the cubicle a couple of cubicles down to recover the bog hole with my arsehole squirming with poisonous toxic shite and scuttle back into my cubicle in front of my workmates.  Upon wiping I inspected the pattern of shite and confirmed that it had invaded of the arse surface.  Normally when I have a shite at work I feel like a king, but I felt like a tramp that day.

Not at work, and not that bad a shit, but once had to do the crab-walk of shame all the way from the upstairs family bathroom to the downstairs cloakroom (where the spare toilet paper is kept, because we are frugal and buy huge 60-roll packs from Makro). It was just me and my youngest in the house, and I suddenly ran out of looroll. No choice, I call my daughter, she's about three at this time and still quite nonverbal. She comes into the bathroom and I carefully explain what I need her to do. She nods and toddles off. Aeons pass, empires rise and fall. Eventually she comes back upstairs, and solemnly hands me... one single sheet of toilet paper, painstakingly torn-off along the perforations.

[steve98]

I heared the call of nature in a taverna, whilst trying to get off with a Swiss lass on a Greek island. Cut to the chase - there was no bog roll. There was no bog roll and I didn't have any Rizlas or anything and only thousand drachma notes(too high to sacrifice), so, I had to use the already used shit paper from the flip-top bin (As you'll know the Greeks don't flush the paper they bin it). I had to gingerly pick through the bin to find a usable wad that had maybe just a little shit smear in the centre but a periphery of good, useable stuff. I did what I could but it wasn't much against what had been a right rough, loose shit. As I walked out the cubicle the Swiss bit of stuff walked in; I dunno what she used for paper as there was nothing useable left in the bin.

[Norton Canes]

I had a filthy horrific shit at work last week, my arse was covered in shite of various consistencies, it felt horrible.  Pulled the loo roll of the dispenser for easier unspooling, dropped the roll, it hit my foot and jagged off sideways under the partition into the next cubicle.  Hadn't even managed one wiping.  I waited but the bogs were busy with pissers, no other shiters, so I had to pull up my kecks and trousers mid horrific shite, amble out of the cubicle a couple of cubicles down to recover the bog hole with my arsehole squirming with poisonous toxic shite and scuttle back into my cubicle in front of my workmates.  Upon wiping I inspected the pattern of shite and confirmed that it had invaded of the arse surface.  Normally when I have a shite at work I feel like a king, but I felt like a tramp that day

I think we've touched on this on CaB previously but I do not understand why people voluntarily shit in a cubicle. You are potentially less than a metre from two other human beings, separated by a thin piece of MDF with gaps at the top and bottom, there are no cleansing facilities to hand... if operating theatres were like that they'd be roundly condemned. I only ever defecate in an accessible toilet where I've got a whole room to myself, there's a sink, and I can remove items of clothing and go primal if necessary.

[mothman]

^Norton Canes: unrepentant disabled toilet user.

I heared the call of nature in a taverna, whilst trying to get off with a Swiss lass on a Greek island. Cut to the chase - there was no bog roll. There was no bog roll and I didn't have any Rizlas or anything and only thousand drachma notes(too high to sacrifice), so, I had to use the already used shit paper from the flip-top bin (As you'll know the Greeks don't flush the paper they bin it). I had to gingerly pick through the bin to find a usable wad that had maybe just a little shit smear in the centre but a periphery of good, useable stuff. I did what I could but it wasn't much against what had been a right rough, loose shit. As I walked out the cubicle the Swiss bit of stuff walked in; I dunno what she used for paper as there was nothing useable left in the bin.

And after? Was the conquest a success? If so, I presume that whatever else happened, what they call in Eurovision the "Greek entry" was definitely off the menu?

[idunnosomename]

I think we've touched on this on CaB previously but I do not understand why people voluntarily shit in a cubicle. You are potentially less than a metre from two other human beings, separated by a thin piece of MDF with gaps at the top and bottom, there are no cleansing facilities to hand... if operating theatres were like that they'd be roundly condemned. I only ever defecate in an accessible toilet where I've got a whole room to myself, there's a sink, and I can remove items of clothing and go primal if necessary.

That's it buddy, you show that turd who's boss

[steve98]

And after? Was the conquest a success? If so, I presume that whatever else happened, what they call in Eurovision the "Greek entry" was definitely off the menu?

Yeah (and no): I got a ride (but I lost my Y-Fronts and she ended up with cow shit all over her jeans) (we'd found a field and it was dark).
Does "Greek entry" mean anal? No, there was no anal (this was the 80s)

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Just realised that there is an all night garage an 8 minute cycle ride from where I live.

Embarassedpersonmeme.jpg

[idunnosomename]

You could have slung shit all over their toilet.

[Mr Eggs]

He'll have a wank next and open up his finger cut and get blood poisoning.

[pancreas]

Just realised that there is an all night garage an 8 minute cycle ride from where I live.

Embarassedpersonmeme.jpg

What, you would have pulled up your keks and cycled for 16 minutes before returning and hoping there had not been too much shit smeared over your underwear? Such appalling and needless compounded stupidity. I am aghast.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Just realised that there is an all night garage an 8 minute cycle ride from where I live.

Embarassedpersonmeme.jpg

A quarter of an hour is a long time when you need a shit.

I once woke up with a massive Saturday hangover to find my (Chinese) landlord had got a couple of lads in to retile the bathroom who seemingly spoke no English. One coffee and a tab later and I was bursting for a shit that I knew would be like a flock of sparrows leaving a bush. Not really wanting to interrupt the lads with a game of charades where the winning guess was 'get out, I need a shit' I ended up having to drive quite quickly to Sainsburys. Nearly crashed my car.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

What is wrong with all of your arseholes that you cannot wait 16 minutes for a shit?

[dex]

I was bursting for a shit that I knew would be like a flock of sparrows leaving a bush.

Beautiful prose. One for the Euphoria thread!

[BlodwynPig]

Flush toilet. Lower arse into fresh bog water. Reflush. Towel off

[Dex Sawash]

20 minute bike ride would probably force it back up so you could just buy some wine or cigs.

#lifehack

[Jittlebags]

He'll have a wank next and open up his finger cut and get blood poisoning.

http://rathergood.com/demon/

[checkoutgirl]

• It is a saturday.


• Realised at 23:00 that I needed a shite


• No bogroll in the house, and all the shops are shut


• Resort to tearing up my least favourite shirt (white generic 3-in-a-pack one that has gone grey due to neglect and incompetent and/or fuck headed washing


• Come to terms with the fact that ripping it up with my hands creates unsatisfactory arse towel strip shapes


• Cut finger open while reaching into washbag to retrieve scissors (touched a razor thing)


• Only just about manage to successfully wipe arse while trying to stem the blood now covering my bathroom floor, ripped up white shirt and hands


• Desperately try and remove blood bathroom remnants so the resident house bastards in my house don't think I'm some kind of axe murderer type


• Post a thread on CaB

What was your biggest bogroll fuckup in the world? Especially if it was on a saturday. Please respond.

Why didn't you just have a shower afterwards? Shirt in one piece, pristine ringpiece, no cuts/blood. It's win win.

[checkoutgirl]

^ Water does absolutely piss all for belligerent clagnuts. Unless you use soap in which case you end up with the horrific ultimate result of getting SHIT ON YOUR SOAP. I've thought this all through.

You've never washed your arse in your entire life? I have to say I admire your dedication.

[checkoutgirl]

I think we've touched on this on CaB previously but I do not understand why people voluntarily shit in a cubicle. You are potentially less than a metre from two other human beings, separated by a thin piece of MDF with gaps at the top and bottom, there are no cleansing facilities to hand... if operating theatres were like that they'd be roundly condemned. I only ever defecate in an accessible toilet where I've got a whole room to myself, there's a sink, and I can remove items of clothing and go primal if necessary.

Like you I'm quite fussy about where I shit but as you age you have less choice. When I was 15 I could put off a shit for 3 days. Now I'm lucky if I can put one off for 3 hours. For this reason I've shat in work maybe 8 times in 4 years and when the toilet only has 2 stalls it's a matter of getting it over and done before another stall user enters. Horrible. I've worked in an office with 5 stalls which is infinitely better as people naturally select stalls as far as possible away from each other. Not possible with 2 stalls.

Some people are quite shameless about having a shit but not me.

The worst people are when you have 5 empty stalls and you pick stall 5 and someone comes in and picks stall 4 right beside you. What kind of mental case does that?

[Fonz]

When camping, a mate uses newspaper , with teabags "for polishing".

[Paul Calf]

Oh, wow.  This is excellent.  I've lost count of the number of times my packet of Rizlas has got damp after a night down the pub or a trip into town when it's raining, transforming the individual papers within, into a lengthy string of useless and inseparable papers.  I've had to resort to binning them, time and time again.  No longer!  Thanks to you I now have a backup for emergency brown botty situations.  Those papers will be wasted no more.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.  I mean that sincerely.

Or you could put your Rizla in an airtight container and carry around a packet of tissues.

[BlodwynPig]

Like you I'm quite fussy about where I shit but as you age you have less choice. When I was 15 I could put off a shit for 3 days. Now I'm lucky if I can put one off for 3 hours. For this reason I've shat in work maybe 8 times in 4 years and when the toilet only has 2 stalls it's a matter of getting it over and done before another stall user enters. Horrible. I've worked in an office with 5 stalls which is infinitely better as people naturally select stalls as far as possible away from each other. Not possible with 2 stalls.

Some people are quite shameless about having a shit but not me.

The worst people are when you have 5 empty stalls and you pick stall 5 and someone comes in and picks stall 4 right beside you. What kind of mental case does that?

Try shitting in a one stall toilet with a constant flow of pissers who you are on name terms with and a baying crowd of love interests and journalists in the foyer outside