Embarrassing mother

[Custard]

Just caught my mum licking out the remainder of a tub of Flora

Keep a tab on your own embarrassing mother here

[poo]

thought u were gonna say licking out ur sister lol

[Norton Canes]

Flora is his sister

[Cuellar]

haha

[Gregory Torso]

Woah oh no the Embarrassing Mother is coming into the Workplace unnanounced! Everyone is looking! Embarrassing Mother falls over and twelve jars of Nutella spill out of her handbag and roll across the floor.
"I've brought your lunch, Gregory!" she says in her voice like drunk Keith Harris.

I help Embarrassing Mother up off the floor and take her over to my desk.
"Is that the one you fancy?" she screams, indicating Richard - who I actually hate very much.

Brian has put on one of his radio stations and "Walk" by Pantera starts playing.
"I fucking LOVE this song!" shrieks Mother in her voice like a crying Bob Carolgees.
She grabs the office Dyson and starts singing into it while everyone is still looking.
"Mother, please" I am saying.

"RE-!"

"Mum. The boss is looking now."

"-SPECT!"

"Please. Sit down!"

"WALK! ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

"Yes. Please, come over here and sit-"

"I sucked off Dimebag Darrell on the 'Vulgar Display Of Power' Tour, you know"

How embarrassing!!!

[Huxleys Babkins]

Embarassing Mother insists on paying for lunch in a busy John Lewis restaurant, only to produce a bag of coppers and 5ps from her handbag that takes five whole minutes to count out in front of a queue of groaning shoppers.

A quid thirty two short.

[Beagle 2]

Embarrassing mother fumbles a Tampax into your pint and cackles like a booted goose.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Embarrassing Mother rummages through her bag and blows her nose with a Tena Lady by mistake.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Embarrassing Mother asks four different people which platform for Southampton and still ends up on the train to Manchester.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Embarrassing Mother gleefully tells you she bought those "Nicky" trainers you were after. Pulls a Hi-Tec box out of her tartan shopping trolley.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Embarrassing Mother needs a lift to the hospital. When she arrives she promptly tells the receptionist and two fit nurses about the time you burned your arse on a camping stove.

[Sgt. Duckie]

My embarrassing mother likes to sing 'Inchworm' about the house. It is a song originally performed by Danny Kaye in the 1952 film Hans Christian Andersen. If you are in the garden you can hear her singing it through the open kitchen window. Inchworm.

[Custard]

Embarrassing Mother stayed on at the beach, whilst the rest of the family headed home.

Three hours later, Embarrassing Mother returns with no sandals and smeared Marmite inbetween her toes.

No one dares ask why.

[Gregory Torso]

Aw naw! Embarrassing Mother is coming into the Wetherspoons unnanounced! I am in there having work drinks with Brian and Richard.
Embarrassing Mother trips up the carpeted stairs and weebles around the Spoons flailing her arms and legs before settling against our table.
She stands up and slams a Thermos flask in front of me.
"Now Gregory this is your bovril and vinegar eggshells, you know you have to take it. You were very naughty to forget it this morning."
"Thanks, I'll drink it."
"And are these your friends? OOOH IS THIS THE ONE YOU DON'T LIKE!" she screams into Richard's pint with her voice like a rusty arse-smacker.
"Mum we're having drinks, so-"
Just then Embarrassing Mother lets off a steamboat klaxon of a fart right into Brian's heaped nest of onion rings.
"Oh dear", she says. "Have a chew on that. Guess what I ate earlier and I'll give you a present!"
She opens her Little Bag Of Prizes For Good Boys and waits for Brian who is looking at me in confusion, but I can only shrug.
"Come on you wee little cunt, sample it. Honestly, Oz Clarke would've had that round his gob in a flash and told me he was getting strains of alpine thistle and dander off me golden chuff puff."
Suddenly, Embarrassing Mother's centre of gravity tilts again and she flops right on top of Brian, completely smothering him in her flesh and petticoats.
"help" says Brian's tiny voice. It sounds like he's speaking through a chimney full of raw mince.
I open the flask of Bovril egg vinegar and down it in one, hope for at least half an hour's grace vomiting under the table.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Embarrassing Mother comes back from the shops with a box of Tampax Compak Pearl for you. "They were out of Polo mints."

[Huxleys Babkins]

Embarrassing Mother tries to bring a cutlery set back from France in her hand luggage.

[Custard]

Embarrassing Mother went to see a Bon Jovi tribute act, and took a big tub of Aldi popcorn.

The bassist is still finding stray kernels in his locks, four weeks on

[seepage]

Embarrassing Mother is laughing like a drain at the Pakistani Dalek sketch, just as you're getting ready to play a nice game of Squad Leader with your good friend Hazeem