Interesting workmates

[Custard]

Here comes Handyman Rick. Claims he once fingered Lisa Riley.

Jeff, who sits three office cubicles on from me, has an orange at 10.30 am. Every day!

Judith from accounts once went to Morroco. She went to meet her birth father. He wasn't in.

[saltysnacks]

Gym rat Kyle claims to have invented the Harlem Shake. I don't believe him.

[Spoon of Ploff]

No one wants to use the hot desk that Pete's been sat at for at least a week after.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Pizza Friday comes to an abrupt end after just two weeks when someone steals Lisa's pizza and she spends four hours in HR calling Sean a cunt.

[New Jack]

Toothbrush Carol eats her Wok n Go heartily at her desk at lunchtime, then she goes to the loo to brush her teeth! She's fit, and hygienic, even if her breath reeks and she's barely at her desk for long.

Bulimia innit.

[New Jack]

Mark is going to Tesco for lunch, he needs some stuff for a Tinder date after work. I tag along, to buy a bleak butty but mostly out of fascination what he does to prepare for a date. He buys Radox, 7up and candles, and he's booked a Travelodge. I admire his chutzpah, or so I tell him. Anyway, he asks me to queue at the separate till to get a lighter as it'll be quicker, for the candles. I do, and when I ask him for the lighter refund, he says: 'You're a contractor mate just claim it back'. One quid for a lighter as a work expense, I'll need to fill in a form and get my manager's approval and the agency to rubberstamp it.

Anyway, later, my girlfriend hates (or loves! But not really) him so stalks his Facebook, which none of us colleagues have been told about. He posts a pic that night of him in his work shirt, it's clearly a selfie in a Travelodge. Anywho, the next day, his date went amazing, though he doesn't fancy her so probably won't see her again.

I think he effectively booked into a hotel for a wank.

Might be just repeating real life experiences tbh

[Huxleys Babkins]

Nobody wants to sign up for Footy Dave's 7-a-side team as they are convinced he's just after an audience to watch him dogging with his wife.

[Glebe]

Clumpster Dee. A seven-footer with big, clump shoes, braces and giant buck teeth. There isn't any shelf he can't retrieve something for you off.

[lebowskibukowski]

Pete in Acquisitions and Mergers blacks up as Rockin' Jeff in a Pasadenas tribute band.

Lance the Head of Hostile Takeovers once squashed a squirrel underfoot and pretends to feel guilty, yet has a laminated photograph of the act blown up and sellotaped to his bedroom ceiling

Derek from Leasings breaks in to the office every Thursday night and stages many, many dirty protests against the current board. The fecal slurs he daubs are poorly spelt, but the italics are of a surprisingly high standard

[bgmnts]

John.

He comes in 5 minutes late every day.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Martin signed up for Footy Dave's 7-a-side. He left not soon after that.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Briony brought in homemade cakes for everyone. "Lovely." "Wow, you must give me the recipe." "Mr Kipling should hire you."

Taste like shite.

[petril]

Alan's already seen it and it's shite. Save the film talk for when he's out for a smoke

[hamfist]

Amal is 43 and still lives at home. His mum gives him a packed lunch every single day.

[Gregory Torso]

Ben claims to have "railed a bump of charlie cart-horse" off a stingray's tail in Bali.

Sandra got her Yorkshire terrier's teeth invisaligned on holiday and now only feeds it trifles and mashed up Birdseye potato waffles.

Ben claims to have been in a car crash in Hanoi, where "like ten pints of blood pissed out of my body and I was actually dead for half an hour before a towering heroic dude brought me back on the kitchen floor of a vegan restaurant with his own plasma".

[New Jack]

Danny the IT tech. He has the IT Crowd theme as his ringtone! What a wacky funster!

[Custard]

I once saw Nigel from marketing telling the office girls how much he likes Gogglebox

Someone used his Gogglebox cup once, and he punched her in the throat.

All that's left to remind us of Nigel these days is that cup. Though I still wouldn't recommend touching it. Or looking at it.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Oversharing Andy is telling the worried looking receptionist about his troublesome piles.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Karl, head of the IT infrastructure team insists that anyone joining his team must yell "By the power of Grayskull" at the top of their voice... it is an open plan office.

[Sebastian Cobb]

What is she cackling at? Nobody's said anything!

[Huxleys Babkins]

"Fuck me, she looks a goer" exclaims Desperate Martin about the late fifties, 20 stone accounts temp who just wheezed up to reception.

[Glebe]

Gareth the Hedgehog keeps using all the staples. Twat.

[Gregory Torso]

Foreskin Dan just spent the whole morning making cocks out of blu-tack and then "circumsising" them with a pair of nail scissors.

[Glebe]

Jarvis the Knob 'ead always has onion sandwiches for lunch. Stinks the place out - and he never uses plural for onion!

[Sebastian Cobb]

He's still better than fish pie Mike. Don't go in the kitchen after he's used the microwave!

[Sebastian Cobb]

Security hadn't even finished walking big yoghurt Mary off the premises before Ian the Vulture was over laying claim to her big monitor.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Warehouse Ian's wife left him and now he's tried to top himself off the cherry picker.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Typhoid Sally gets all pally with new office blood. Then starts leaving sweetcorn fritters in their pigeonhole.

[Beagle 2]

Massive Tits Stacey sits there barefoot every day for six months. Yet when Panicky Graham does the same an email goes around from HR headed: "Re: Appropriate Footwear" within six minutes.

[Glebe]

Nola Bombata. Owns a space freighter on Melmoth #9. Only here because he likes Walkers Crisps. Won't work Saturdays.