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Potential new presenters of Top Gear

Started by Alberon, June 18, 2018, 10:49:17 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Alberon

Noel Edmonds

Noel - "No look, it's not my car. I'm just reviewing it for a TV programme."

Baliff - "Yeah, it's coming with us."

Vic Reeves

Vic - "In conclusion, while the Honda Spumko is a pleasure to drive and has excellent fuel efficiency I have to mark it down for not being able to open the doors wherever I go. And for the boot door flying off and exploding."

Pete Doherty

Pete - "What do you mean 'not that sort of gear'? Where's my heroin? I suppose I could flog the car you've given me..."

petril

Gareth Jones

about four years of people hoping that there'd be a reference to "the shows got Top in the title and he's Gaz Top, aaaaaah!" it's as damp a squib as you can imagine. Viewing figures fall off a cliff. Nobody actually gave a fuck that he was knowledgable and passionate about cars.

the

The trio topping the shortlist at the moment, I hear:

- John Stalker, former Deputy Chief Constable of Greater Manchester Police
- Trebor's Mr. Soft
- The Ghost of Leslie Grantham

dex

Gervais in the guise of Derke

** Juts jaw out **

"I likes cars, I do."

the

- Rick Allen from Def Leppard
- Tyne Daly
- The Gruffalo

the

- Los Del Rio
- Gary Imlach
- F.W. de Klerk

Glebe


Sebastian Cobb

Steve Albini to do the star in a car interview.

Quote from: dex on June 18, 2018, 12:39:03 PM
Gervais in the guise of Derke

** Juts jaw out **

"I likes cars, I do."

EXT. OLD FOLKS HOME

*Derek staggers from the freshly crashed Toyota Corolla, visibly distressed. SAD PIANO is playing.*

WOMAN THAT IS IN CHARGE: Oh, God! Derek what happened?

DEREK: I's killed them all. All my friends. Just wanted to take them to the shops to buy stuff that old people like and I's killed them.

PERVY ONE: Don't worry mate, I'll wank all over their corpses, if you know what I mean.

PILKINGTON SHITWIG: See, this is what happens if you let Derek drive a car. I said, didn't I? I said this would happen if you let that mon- I mean kind hearted man with a childlike innocence drive.

DEREK: I gots confused with the left one and the right one and right oned into a nice tree. I likes trees. And birds. Have I killed a bird? Oh no's I've killed a bird.

PERVY ONE: Don't worry mate, I smashed into a bird last night, if you know what I mean.

VARIOUS OLD PEOPLE: It's fine Derek. We're all perfectly fine.

*HAPPY PIANO is playing*

DEREK: Really? You aren't all deaded and burieded?

VARIOUS OLD PEOPLE: No. In fact, thanks to the accident we've never felt more alive. We've been given a whole new lease of life from your mishap during an act of kindness and that's the moral for you to learn from this, Derek. And for all the viewers at home too.

WOMAN THAT IS IN CHARGE: See Derek. My decision to allow someone with severe develop- I mean a kind hearted man with a childlike innocence to continue to spend time with these vulnerable people has been vindicated once again.

DEREK: Vindicerated! I likes long words!

*All the cast gather around DEREK and stroke him like an excited puppy*

GERVAIS NOW AS HIMSELF, GIGGLING, GETTING HIGHER AND HIGHER PICTCHED WITH EVERY WORD: Coming up, Warwick Davis will be our star in a reasonably priced car. Bet he has to use stilts to reach the pedals! But first, Chris Harris is slipping into the new 911.

PERVY ONE: I slipped into a new 911 last night, if you know what I mean.

PILKINGTON SHITWIG: See, this is what happens. I said, didn't I?

Ferris

Alan Titchmarsh
Charlie Dimmock
Tommy whatshisname

Together again!

(If they are too expensive, Handy Andy plus Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen would be cheap as chips. Ooh, cheap as chips! Is he available?)

Ferris

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on June 18, 2018, 02:49:41 PM
EXT. OLD FOLKS HOME

*Derek staggers from the freshly crashed Toyota Corolla, visibly distressed. SAD PIANO is playing.*

WOMAN THAT IS IN CHARGE: Oh, God! Derek what happened?

DEREK: I's killed them all. All my friends. Just wanted to take them to the shops to buy stuff that old people like and I's killed them.

PERVY ONE: Don't worry mate, I'll wank all over their corpses, if you know what I mean.

PILKINGTON SHITWIG: See, this is what happens if you let Derek drive a car. I said, didn't I? I said this would happen if you let that mon- I mean kind hearted man with a childlike innocence drive.

DEREK: I gots confused with the left one and the right one and right oned into a nice tree. I likes trees. And birds. Have I killed a bird? Oh no's I've killed a bird.

PERVY ONE: Don't worry mate, I smashed into a bird last night, if you know what I mean.

VARIOUS OLD PEOPLE: It's fine Derek. We're all perfectly fine.

*HAPPY PIANO is playing*

DEREK: Really? You aren't all deaded and burieded?

VARIOUS OLD PEOPLE: No. In fact, thanks to the accident we've never felt more alive. We've been given a whole new lease of life from your mishap during an act of kindness and that's the moral for you to learn from this, Derek. And for all the viewers at home too.

WOMAN THAT IS IN CHARGE: See Derek. My decision to allow someone with severe develop- I mean a kind hearted man with a childlike innocence to continue to spend time with these vulnerable people has been vindicated once again.

DEREK: Vindicerated! I likes long words!

*All the cast gather around DEREK and stroke him like an excited puppy*

GERVAIS NOW AS HIMSELF, GIGGLING, GETTING HIGHER AND HIGHER PICTCHED WITH EVERY WORD: Coming up, Warwick Davis will be our star in a reasonably priced car. Bet he has to use stilts to reach the pedals! But first, Chris Harris is slipping into the new 911.

PERVY ONE: I slipped into a new 911 last night, if you know what I mean.

PILKINGTON SHITWIG: See, this is what happens. I said, didn't I?

Actually indiscernible from the real thing.


Norton Canes

Christopher Eccleston, Matt Smith and Peter Capaldi

greenman

To get unfashionable serious it always should have been Coogan and Brydon doing a toned down version of The Trip personas shouldn't it? add in some more competent attractive female presenter and it writes itself.

BlodwynPig

Rachel Tatton Brown
Jen Aniston
Gaby Roslin

Alberon

Germaine Greer
Hufty from 'The Word'
And the tub of lard from HIGNFY

Cuellar



vanilla.coffee


Alberon

Worzel Gummidge
Denis Norden
The ghost of Eric Sykes

Relocated to Yorkshire and instead of reviewing cars they test out tin baths down the sides of hills.

BlodwynPig


Ferris


poo


greenman

Quote from: poo on June 20, 2018, 08:40:29 AM
Ian Rush

John Aldridge as a stuntman whenever he attempts any driving based peril.