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Why are you not watching the football!!!????!?

Started by Spoon of Ploff, June 18, 2018, 06:42:17 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

manticore

That tie ended in a dead heat, exactly two goals apiece. What are the chances of that happening? One for the statisticians among us!

Spoon of Ploff

Quote from: manticore on June 24, 2018, 06:33:37 PM
That tie ended in a dead heat, exactly two goals apiece. What are the chances of that happening? One for the statisticians among us!

Surprised there wasn't a pelanty shoot out to decide the tie to be honest.

Spoon of Ploff

As we move into the final stages of the group games you will start to hear punters use the phrase 'dead rubber' to describe some matches. This has nothing to do with expiry dates and everything to do with the fact that these games are totally meaningless so why even bother? See also 'playing for pride.'

If your team is 'playing for pride' in a 'dead rubber' then welcome to footballs max desolation.

Ferris

I only enjoy the games that are played in alive-rubber, but are expressly not played for pride.

manticore

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! This thread is now broadcasting in dual channel dolby stereo to accomodate the full range of action taking place simultaneously in different locations across Russia, now believed by many experts to be the biggest country in the world, as well as one of the most evil.

Proper use of the dolby facility will allow you to tune out the sound of the baying, bellowing audience, possibly one of the most annoying aspects of the modern soccerball game. We can only hope that soon the authorities will see sense and arrange for matches to be played behind closed doors, like chess, with a selected audience of quiet, well mannered ladies and gentlemen like us.

This afternoon... oh who cares, nobody's actually watching these things are they, least of all Ferris and Ploff and me. Just those fools over on the Picture Box thread, God I pity them.

Spoon of Ploff

playing two games at once is madness. forcing us all to buy two televisual units in order to not miss some of the football.

meanwhile the host nation risk Putin's wrath by letting in three goals. Perhaps if all 11 players had bothered to show up things would have been different. as it is they've been trying to get away with 10. As for The Sundays v Egypt... who knows? Who knows?


    Oh its one a piece. Everybody wins as that lad from EastEnders once belted out from an old Joanna.


Spoon of Ploff

bloody knew it. i'm watching one match and they only go and make a goal in the other.

manticore

Summary of the Picture Box Soccerball World Cup thread. I went there so you don't have to:

POSTER ONE: I'M ANGRY! GOD SOCCERBALL MAKES ME SO ANGRY!

POSTER TWO: NOT AS ANGRY AS ME! I'M JOLLY WELL TWICE AS ANGRY ABOUT THAT SOCCERBALL REFEREE'S DECISION AS YOU ARE!

POSTER THREE: THAT SOCCERBALL REFEREE'S DECISION WAS CORRECT YOU OAF! WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?! I'M ANGRY AT YOU FOR BEING SO ANGRY!

POSTER TWO AGAIN: GOD I HATE THAT RONALDINO PLAYER/LAWRO-NSON/'CLIVE'/PAUL D'ASCOYNE PLAYER/SOCCERBALL REFEREE/SOCCERBALL MANAGER/SOCCERBALL TEAM/MYSELF FOR WARCHING THIS SHITTY SOCCERNALL GAME

POSTER FOUR: THIS GAME HAS MADE ME HATE SOCCERBALL SO MUCH I'M NEVER WATCHING IT AGAIN! I'M SO ANGRY!

POSTER TWO AGAIN: I'M NOT ANGRY ANY MORE. I'M RETURNING TO MY PREVIOUS ATTITUDE OF COOL IRONIC DETATCHMENT TOWARDS THE WHOLE RIDICULOUS SOCCERBALL CHARADE!

POSTER FIVE: THAT PASSED THE TIME

POSTER SIX: IT WOULD HAVE PASSED IN ANY CASE

POSTER FIVE AGAIN: YES, BUT NOT SO RAPIDLY

POSTER SEVEN: SOCCERBALL!



And so forth, and so on... Soccerball fans are funny.


Spoon of Ploff

Why weren't you watching the football last night? So much excitement! So much controversy. Such levels were reached that even the referees had to leave the pitch several times because they wanted to watch the football and mot miss  thing!

That's what happens when you play these matches simultaneously at the same time together.

Below are a list of other exciting/controversial things that have happened in World Club football throughout the ages. Lets all hope for more like these eh lads??

1. paul gascoigne getting sent off for wearing fake boobs during a match

2. the dutch players all smoking doobies during the final in '78

3. "there some people on the pitch! i think that's Paul Grover!!"

3. a horse stealing the trophy in 1966

3. Zinedine Zidane introducing the headbutt tackle in 2006

4. the "three lines in the dirt" song by the crystal meths

5. scotland that one time

6. ireland that one time

7. germany issuing penalty notices

8. a coked up diego maradona singing holiday as he picks the ball up and sprints into the back of the net from the halfway line

9. The Charlton twins


Can anyone think of any more?

greenman

13.Country star Roger Miller celebrating nearly beating World in Motion to #1 in 1990 with a rerelease of King of the Road.

manticore

#340
27. Team England's shock 10-1 win over 'Kings of Soccerball', the USA, at the 1950 World Soccerball Trophy Finals. Plucky England, despite being handicapped by the non-presence in the team of an 87 year old Sir Stanley Matthews, so senile he was not for nothing known as 'the dribbling wizard', overwhelmed Team USA with a skill and daring that belied their amateur underdog status.

The match was susequently mythologised in the 2005 film 'The Game of Their Lives', which altered the plot details slightly to present the final score as a 1-0 win to the USA, which, as a testament to the malign power of the Hollywood Entertainment Industry, has bamboozled the world and deprived Team England of their rightful place in history. 

Bum Flaps

The observant amongst you will have noticed that the outcome of several matches during this Cup of the Football World, has controversially rested upon whether or not the referee has decided to declare a football action to be a 'hans ball'.

Most fans will know that the modern hans ball regulations were first introduced during the 1974 season, after the 1973 European Cup was won by the Marseille volleyball team. However, I bet only a few of you will know that the rule was named after the talented West Germany midfielder and notorious post-match groper, Hans Gräbbentitz.



   

manticore

Quote from: Bum Flaps on June 26, 2018, 08:37:05 PM
However, I bet only a few of you will know that the rule was named after the talented West Germany midfielder and notorious post-match groper, Hans Gräbbentitz.

Thanks for the info, Bum Flaps, I did not know that. A clear case of Nominative Determinism there, akin to the careers of the likes of George and Clyde Best (MBE), who were The Best at their chosen sport of soccerball, Nicky Marker, Peter Skipper, Robbie Fouler, Arsène Wenger (his name sounds eerily similar to Nagoya Grampus Eight, the team who he famously managed with great success in the 1990s), Gordon (safe as the) Banks (of England) of England, and others I can't be bothered to think of right now.

Peter The Cat Bonetti was, contrary to general conviction, not actually a cat however. He was a goalkeeper.

Spoon of Ploff

Quote from: manticore on June 26, 2018, 10:59:00 PM
Peter The Cat Bonetti was, contrary to general conviction, not actually a cat however. He was a goalkeeper.

On the other hand Chopper Harris was, by all accounts, a bit of a cock.

Ferris

Alan Shearer had a side-gig as a hairdresser in the '90s if rumour is to be believed.

Spoon of Ploff

unbelievably some people are still not watching the football. It's like they're sick or something. They're not 'real human people.' It's up to the rest of us to watch twice as much of the football to make up for these canker ninnies.

manticore

On that subject, where is Hedgehog90? Why is he not watching the football any more? Is he a turncoat, a renegade, a traitor to The Beautiful Sport?

I miss his keen analysis, which penetrated the pitch dark of my understanding of The Beautiful Sport like four powerful floodlights perched on the corners of the soccerball arena of destiny. Without his words, it's just twenty-three men running aound on a field trying to kick a ball, as the evil Philistine Mrs. Doyle put it.

"Come back Hedgehog90!" I say.

I'll say one thing for the football; it's a game... For a laugh!

*insert clip of a footballer falling over on his arse here*


Spoon of Ploff

It's possible that hedge90 is convalescing after watching too much football.

Meantime its mint green West Germany v brick red Good Korea.
A corner's about to happen....


.. its happened.

Spoon of Ploff

Good of hedge90 to join us from his hospital bed.

Spoon of Ploff

There's been alot of talk of football cream rising to the top these last few days. I hoping to see some of it on display during this match.

Spoon of Ploff

I think its the robot wars guy who's narrating this match. No sign of Sir Killallot though.

hedgehog90

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 27, 2018, 03:17:00 PM
Good of hedge90 to join us from his hospital bed.

the only thing that'll make me feel better

*cough*

is if one of those boys

*cough*

kick that ball

*cough*

into one of those bloomin' goals

*cough* *cough* *cough*

hedgehog90

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 27, 2018, 03:27:37 PM
I think its the robot wars guy who's narrating this match. No sign of Sir Killallot though.

I always thought he sounded like a fat Nick Hancock.

hedgehog90

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 27, 2018, 03:21:41 PM
There's been alot of talk of football cream rising to the top these last few days. I hoping to see some of it on display during this match.

There's certainly a lot of spunk on that pitch right now.

Spoon of Ploff

Still no signs that the crowd has adopted the one fingered salute that Madonna attempted to make popular yesterday.

Instead they are content to wave bits of multicoloured cloth and sing about the best free kicks their side has ever been awarded.

hedgehog90

Was that Dennis Rodman doing a raspberry in the stands?

Spoon of Ploff

The half is over and it's nilless. Back in the studio there are words of wisdom from Alan Shearan.  It's just the order he puts them in thats thick as shite in the neck of a bottle.

manticore

Not enough triangular soccerball in those first two quarters. Triangular soccerball is the best soccerball, introduced to the English game by 'Big' Big Ron Atkinson's all-conquering Cambridge United team in the the their 1976-77 campaign for the title of Champions of the Old Fourth Division, as it was known those days. Always a player free, that's the secret. Pass and move, pass and move. Pure geometry.

Days of Glory, I saw every game. Germany could learn a lot from 'Big' Big Ron Atkinson.

Shut up! Soccerball restarting!