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Your Worst Cinema Experiences

Started by St_Eddie, June 21, 2018, 05:53:55 PM

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Dex Sawash


Wife had me buy tix to some Diana Ross one night only thing a few weeks ago that I assumed would be a sat feed of a concert, this cinema does a bit of that with opera and stuff. Get there and it is just a documentary about a concert she did at New York Central Park in the 80s that was broadcast on tv. 480i doesn't look very good blown up to movie screen size. The 2 old ladies sat next to us talked through entire thing while one helped the other set up her new mobile.

On the plus side, it did make me aware of this DR cover of Maniac. Kind of wish she would just sit down and get out of the dancing man's way
https://youtu.be/JCIQRqf-DY4

Dr Sanchez

#121
I have a fair few horror stories. I always regret buying a cinema ticket the moment I sit down and realise either some fucker nearby has brought a Lidl bag full of LOUD FOOD or something else like being in an empty cinema and someone sitting directly behind me. I basically hate humans.

Anyway, the worst time was when I went to see The Conjuring 2. Everything looked good. The cinema was sparsely attended and I hadn't had a mental breakdown yet. Five minutes into the film, when shit was getting atmospheric, four young teenage girls walked in and sat a row in front. From the get go they were really loud and annoying. They began passing a big bag of Doritos amongst themselves and laughing at their phones. They were sending snap chats to each other in the fucking cinema!

I snapped and shushed them. They momentarily went silent but then one of them said "fuck off" which caused them all to go into fits of laughter. Due to their age I couldn't really do anything, verbally assaulting 13 year old girls isn't a great look and neither is smashing them about the head with my fists.

So I did the adult thing. I noted earlier that they'd put their bags and coats on the floor which was laminated and on an incline. So I got my massive cinema coke and let it wash down under the seats onto their lovely bags and coats before leaving and getting a refund.


Glebe

I'm a shy, retiring person who absolutely hates confrontation, and even I've been driven to snap at noisy cinema fuckers a couple of times.

Icehaven

Quote from: Dr Sanchez on April 05, 2019, 02:17:37 AM
Anyway, the worst time was when I went to see The Conjuring 2. Everything looked good. The cinema was sparsely attended and I hadn't had a mental breakdown yet. Five minutes into the film, when shit was getting atmospheric, four young teenage girls walked in and sat a row in front. From the get go they were really loud and annoying. They began passing a big bag of Doritos amongst themselves and laughing at their phones. They were sending snap chats to each other in the fucking cinema!

I snapped and shushed them. They momentarily went silent but then one of them said "fuck off" which caused them all to go into fits of laughter. Due to their age I couldn't really do anything, verbally assaulting 13 year old girls isn't a great look and neither is smashing them about the head with my fists.


If they actually were 13 you could have got them thrown out instead, it's a 15.

Wet Blanket

Quote from: Dr Sanchez on April 05, 2019, 02:17:37 AM
Something else like being in an empty cinema and someone sitting directly behind me.

I was once the single occupant of an afternoon screening when in came a tall bloke and took the seat directly in front of me.

Lemme tell ya, I very pointedly moved to a different seat, very pointedly indeed. Although naturally he didn't see me do it.

imitationleather

Quote from: Wet Blanket on April 05, 2019, 10:46:55 AM
I was once the single occupant of an afternoon screening when in came a tall bloke and took the seat directly in front of me.

Lemme tell ya, I very pointedly moved to a different seat, very pointedly indeed. Although naturally he didn't see me do it.

I once had a similar situation but a woman sat in the seat directly next to mine. That was extremely uncomfortable and I felt it would be too much of a social faux pas for me to get up and move. Couldn't enjoy any of the film as a result as I felt so awkward. A huge bloody cinema empty except for two strangers sat next to each other. Never exchanged a word. Argh.

madhair60

I don't go to the cinema anymore as a result of this cuntery. I don't really watch films in general these days

Blinder Data

Quote from: imitationleather on April 05, 2019, 10:53:18 AM
I once had a similar situation but a woman sat in the seat directly next to mine. That was extremely uncomfortable and I felt it would be too much of a social faux pas for me to get up and move. Couldn't enjoy any of the film as a result as I felt so awkward. A huge bloody cinema empty except for two strangers sat next to each other. Never exchanged a word. Argh.

Mate. You were well in there. Opportunity missed.

Absorb the anus burn

Place:            Blvd Anspach, Brussels.

Time:             Early 2000s.

Film:              In The Cut  (shit Jane Campion film with Meg Ryan)

Cinema          Suspected hand shandy and cunnilingus.
Crime:

Details:          Grunting, bobbing heads, fishy smell, ecstatic yelps.

imitationleather

Quote from: Blinder Data on April 05, 2019, 11:11:01 AM
Mate. You were well in there. Opportunity missed.

A woman who goes to see a screening of 1977 sex comedy Come Play With Me on a weekday afternoon just isn't my type.

Quote from: imitationleather on April 05, 2019, 10:53:18 AM
I once had a similar situation but a woman sat in the seat directly next to mine. That was extremely uncomfortable and I felt it would be too much of a social faux pas for me to get up and move. Couldn't enjoy any of the film as a result as I felt so awkward. A huge bloody cinema empty except for two strangers sat next to each other. Never exchanged a word. Argh.

Had a similar situation with a bloke that fucking stunk to high heaven of BO and piss, eating fucking nasty smelling crisps.

I moved. What's he going to do? Ask me why I moved? You fucking stink, mate, is why. Of BO and piss and shitty crisps, mate.

Gregory Torso

Reminds me of the time I went to use the toilets of a huge mall and they were deserted, a whole wall of gleaming urinals just waiting for my piss - I was considering doing a running piss actually, facing the wall and scuttling sideways like a crab, to give each of the wall toilets a sample but I heard a noise so I just started normal weeing like a square bitch - when another bloke walked in, strolled down the whole display of piss-catchers and stood RIGHT next to me.  th'fuck, I thought and stormed off in a huff to a different urinary hatch, much to his derisory chortle that rose above the pounding shire-horse gush of his filthy display. I was owned, I was chased off my patch, sent scuttling away, and I will never never NEVER EVER use a public urinal again. Disgraceful behaviour. I didn't even wash my hands.

greenman

Quote from: imitationleather on April 05, 2019, 10:53:18 AM
I once had a similar situation but a woman sat in the seat directly next to mine. That was extremely uncomfortable and I felt it would be too much of a social faux pas for me to get up and move. Couldn't enjoy any of the film as a result as I felt so awkward. A huge bloody cinema empty except for two strangers sat next to each other. Never exchanged a word. Argh.

The answer to this is to fake a visit to the toilet then sit somewhere else when you return, maybe closer to the entrance so you can claim it was mere convenience.

Dr Sanchez

I was in a jam packed screening of Mad Max: Fury Road. I could notice two grown men about ten rows in front who would giggle like school girls at almost everything on screen.,which was bizarre given that it's a film completely devoid of humour, apart from Tom Hardy's acting of course.

The gigging didn't really bother me as I was so far away I could barely hear it but people around them must have been fuming. Around twenty minutes in and this well dressed  middle aged fellow bolted from his seat, pointed directly at the two culprits and bellowed "Listen, this is an adult film. Minions is playing downstairs if this is too fucking complicated for you" the two men immediately apologised and the man got a round of applause.

For the rest of that film I wished I was that man.

kngen

In the early 90s I went to a late-night screening of The Exorcist in Ashton Lane in Glasgow's West End. This was before the BBFC reclassification, so it was a moderately big deal that it was on, and as such there was a pretty lengthy queue outside the cinema, which crossed over the adjoining sidestreet that connected the lane to the main thoroughfare, Byres Road.

We were pretty near the front (thank god) so didn't actually see the worst of it, but definitely heard sound of a car roaring up the side lane from Byres Road and crashing straight into the queue: large thuds, screams, another smash as the car reversed into a wall (hitting a woman who'd pressed up against it to avoid being hit the first time, or so people were saying afterwards). It only became apparent what had happened to us when we saw the car screaming up Ashton Lane towards us swerving to try and hit people who were scattering in all directions. I saw a shitty old car with a smashed windscreen barrelling towards me and ran into the cinema with a bunch of terrified folk.

Ambulances came - I don't think anyone was killed, but there were definitely a few injuries - and then, and this seems incredible to me now, we all got back in line and waited for our tickets.

The atmosphere in the cinema was understandably very tense as everyone one was pretty shell-shocked. Actually, not everyone, as there were a couple of studenty wanker types (who might well have missed all the excitement earlier) who decided to make the evening about them instead.

So lots of daft, snidey comments to the screen, general giggling, and loud exclamations of 'Mushrooms are amazing, maaaan!', which were pretty de rigeur for late-night showings at a cinema right next to Glasgow Uni, but - given the circumstances - really weren't sitting well with the rest of the audience.

'You two need to fucking rap it, NOW' says a guy two rows behind them.

One of the students laughs at him and carries on. The guy jumps out of his seat, pushes past half a dozen people into the aisle and walks down to their row. Seeing this, the one mocking him jumps up and heads towards the aisle, too, to - I don't know, confront him? defend himself? Either way, he doesn't get very far as he gets an absolute beauty of a smack in the chin and goes down like a sack of shit, sprawled under the seats along with his fellow patrons coats, handbags and dropped popcorn.

Then the other one, for christ knows what reason, pipes up, half-shouting, half-whining: 'Oh, what? Are you going to hit me as well?'

In a feat of physicality the like of which I've never seen since, the angry cinemagoer, after responding with a gritted-teeth 'Aye, I am', puts one hand on the back of the seat closest to him, leans over maybe four other people sat down, and belts this guy in the jaw, too, with the precision of a prize-fighter.

Then he goes and sits back down in his seat. No applause, cheers or indeed criticism - the audience, the front half of which had turned fully round in their seats to watch all this play out, just started watching the film again. I think the two recipients of instant cinema justice left pretty quickly after that, and I seem to remember an usher coming in (maybe even the police? it's all a bit hazy) to cart off their assailant. But, about 10 minutes after that, another fight kicked off in the front rows, and me and my mate thought 'fuck this' and bailed.

Years later, I had access to a local news archive to see if there was any record of the incident, but came up with nothing. Very different environment now, of course, but it would be front-page news these days. But I still wonder what the motivation was. Joyriding was still very much in vogue, but hitting pedestrians less so. A crazed evangelist, perhaps? James Ferman getting a little too hands on? Fucking weird night, nonetheless.



Dr Sanchez

Quote from: kngen on April 05, 2019, 04:16:45 PM


In a feat of physicality the like of which I've never seen since, the angry cinemagoer, after responding with a gritted-teeth 'Aye, I am', puts one hand on the back of the seat closest to him, leans over maybe four other people sat down, and belts this guy in the jaw, too, with the precision of a prize-fighter.



Haha, brilliant.

Sin Agog

Once during Casino Royale a big burly baldman punched a kid in the face who must have been talking. Gave him no warning, just blindsided him with a wallop. I think my dad and I were the only two people there not clapping him afterwards.  One of them was one of those skinny teen types who go invisible when you see them from the side, and the other was an alpha rottweiler likely trying to impress his date.  The police then turned up, took the skinny teen away, and we all got free tickets.  Why can't everyone just quietly seethe like the rest of us?

Chriddof

They took the skinny kid away? Why not the massive bloke? He may have been annoying, but that's straight up assault.

Sin Agog

Was awhile ago, but I think it went a bit like:

Police: "Who's the one responsible here?"

The entire audience and manager: "Him."

Captain Crunch

You know that film 'Koyaanisqatsi'?  You know that beautiful delicate organ piece at the start?  Now imagine going a candle-lit recital of that.  Now imagine it with a screaming baby.  It was free but come on.

Also rather foolishly went to see Whatever Works at the cinema (yes I know) which was marred even further but a group of Bristol Uni clones barking with laughter, going 'yes!' and doing finger snaps at odd points.  Not even at the 'jokes' more at the comments about women.  Very weird. 

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Captain Crunch on April 06, 2019, 10:12:36 PM
You know that film 'Koyaanisqatsi'?  You know that beautiful delicate organ piece at the start?  Now imagine going a candle-lit recital of that.  Now imagine it with a screaming baby.  It was free but come on.

Also rather foolishly went to see Whatever Works at the cinema (yes I know) which was marred even further but a group of Bristol Uni clones barking with laughter, going 'yes!' and doing finger snaps at odd points.  Not even at the 'jokes' more at the comments about women.  Very weird.

I saw Double Indemnity in the cinema a while back, having only seen it at home, and while the sniggering at the quaint sexist phrasing wasn't unjust it did make it harder to appreciate it as a fantastic example of film noir and one of a trifecta of perfect Wilder/Seitz collabs.

There was a very similar thing in Carnival of the Souls but that was a bit camp to begin with so fine.

BritishHobo

Odeon Limitless (and living five minute's walk from the cinema) does absolute wonders for this. It used to be my biggest piss-boil in the world, cunts in the cinema - and it still is, to be fair - but knowing you can just sack it off and come back another time is an absolute godsend. As a few other people have said on earlier pages, even if I stick around and get up the courage to bollock someone (which I've been doing increasingly more, after a decade of silent fuming), it still leaves me with a horrible adrenaline come-down that ruins the rest of the film.

The first time I did it, in a screening of Mary Poppins, it had fuck-all effect. Daughter, mum and grandmother behind us, mum kicking the seats, grandmother chatting away at full volume, daughter standing up and running up and down their row. I turned around several times and told the mum to stop kicking my seat, she just stared like I'd asked her something in Japanese. Fucked it off.

Second time, Hereditary, woman two seats down. Film starts, straight on her phone. Brightness top level. Fucking search-light blaring out of her screen. I leaned over, proud of my newfound confidence, and said 'Can you put it away, please?' (bad ass). She apologised a few times and did so straight away, which immediately got me beating myself up for thinking negatively of such a reasonable woman. She fidgeted for a couple of minutes, and then in quite a strained, distraught voice said 'I'm really sorry, can I go?', then shuffled past and hurried out of the screen with her head bowed. Rest of the film, sat there thinking I'm the worst twat in the world.

Forget it. Just forget it.

Sebastian Cobb

The worst ones are when people aren't being big enough dicks to warrant a bollocking. That middle aged couple that turn up just at the bbfc warning, shuffle past you and spend five minutes unpacking. Then the rustling of sweet wrappers starts.

As I've said in response to the 'don't even bring a phone' people on here, I have to do on-call and it's entirely possible that my rota will clash with the only run of a film, so I put the thing on silent, bag an aisle seat and accept I'm bailing if my pocket starts vibrating.

BritishHobo

That's the rub, I think. Anyone reasonable who genuinely does need their phone on is obviously gonna be scarpering as soon as it goes off. The biggest piss-take I've ever seen was some cunt in Paranormal Activity 2 who answered their phone and genuinely said 'What? WHAT? No, I can't talk, I'm in the cinema! I SAID I CAN'T TALK, I'M IN THE CINEMA!' Fuck me I wish I'd had the confidence back then to shout at them.

I usually assume that the more people there, the better, because then there's a higher number of people willing to kick off at arseholes. That has proven absolutely to be bollocks. Only once have I ever been in a screening where someone else has bollocked a noisy prick. Watching Widows last year, and literally the moment that someone started talking, this massive bloke behind me turned around and told them to stop. Instant shut-down. Fantastic. When they started up again a few minutes later, he was straight out of his seat, up the steps, stopped at the end of their aisle like a maniac. "I've already told you to stop." Thought he was about to murder them all. The bloke who'd been talking pathetically said "I wasn't talking", which literally everyone in the room knew was a lie. Either way, that did it and they didn't make another sound for the rest of the film.

It's the one thing I miss about a long, miserable period I had on benefits a few years ago - going to the cinema exclusively on weekdays during term-time. Nine times out of ten, just me in the cinema.

St_Eddie

Quote from: BritishHobo on April 06, 2019, 11:10:22 PM
Watching Widows last year, and literally the moment that someone started talking, this massive bloke behind me turned around and told them to stop. Instant shut-down. Fantastic. When they started up again a few minutes later, he was straight out of his seat, up the steps, stopped at the end of their aisle like a maniac. "I've already told you to stop." Thought he was about to murder them all. The bloke who'd been talking pathetically said "I wasn't talking", which literally everyone in the room knew was a lie. Either way, that did it and they didn't make another sound for the rest of the film.

It's a controversial topic, a real ethical minefield, but if there ever was a case to be made for the benefits of human cloning, then it's this man.  He should be a mandatory presence at every screening of every film for the rest of human history.

Icehaven

Quote from: BritishHobo on April 06, 2019, 10:42:40 PM

Second time, Hereditary, woman two seats down. Film starts, straight on her phone. Brightness top level. Fucking search-light blaring out of her screen. I leaned over, proud of my newfound confidence, and said 'Can you put it away, please?' (bad ass). She apologised a few times and did so straight away, which immediately got me beating myself up for thinking negatively of such a reasonable woman. She fidgeted for a couple of minutes, and then in quite a strained, distraught voice said 'I'm really sorry, can I go?', then shuffled past and hurried out of the screen with her head bowed. Rest of the film, sat there thinking I'm the worst twat in the world.

Forget it. Just forget it.

No no no! You did the right thing, in fact you were massively restrained. You should have been feeling triumphant, you weren't a twat at all. I hope she learned her lesson.

Peru

Quote from: kngen on April 05, 2019, 04:16:45 PMAshton Lane in Glasgow's West End [...] which crossed over the adjoining sidestreet that connected the lane to the main thoroughfare, Byres Road.

That is genuinely one of the worst cinemas in the world. I hate it. Who would have thought that putting a cinema at the dead centre of about 50 bars and restaurants would result in a bad audience? Didn't someone get glassed at a screening a couple of years back?

You can add to that the fact that the screens are/were angled so it was like looking at a trapezium and their decision to have an interval in anything over about 100 minutes which literally involved cutting mid-scene no matter what was happening.

I remember there was some outrage once at the prospect that it was going to be turned into a bar. Now I am as precious a protector of independent cinema as anyone but I would have driven the bulldozer myself.

Sebastian Cobb

Never been in, it looks shite. I'm quite happy handing my cash over to the GFT.

Blinder Data

I went once and I could hear the film next door. Plus it's G1. Fuck that.

Sebastian Cobb

I had my folks up a couple of weeks ago and they kept bollocking on about Ashton Lane and then I realised what it was 'oh yeah, this, its wank'.