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Your Worst Cinema Experiences

Started by St_Eddie, June 21, 2018, 05:53:55 PM

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Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on July 12, 2018, 03:31:08 PM
Yeah, I spent the whole of The Lego Batman movie shushing my then 4 year old and teaching him to whisper if he had plot questions or needed the toilet. It was his first time at the cinema. He's been good as gold ever since. It's almost like setting an example at an early age makes kids understand how to behave. Funny that. Someone should write a book on it or something.

'SHUT THE FUCK UP; YOU ARE NOT AT HOME' by Barry Norman.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Wet Blanket on July 12, 2018, 04:39:05 PM
If I went to a rare screening of my favourite classic film and saw someone had brought a baby I think I'd cry louder than the kid itself
Yeah if someone's managing to spoil a film on more levels than they're able to understand it something's gone wrong somewhere.

Quote from: SteveDave on July 10, 2018, 10:47:25 AM
Her husband then stood up to defend his wife's honour to which she said "Sit down Mario!" This caused a wave of laughter. Mario sat down.

Was this them?
https://www.ok.co.uk/celebrity-feature/547488/big-brother-couple-mario-marconi-lisa-appleton-this-is-what-theyre-doing-now

SteveDave

I hope so. If it was I was close to BB royalty!

St_Eddie

Quote from: madhair60 on July 12, 2018, 03:04:36 PM
99% of the time that is fair fucks though isn't it.

98%, mate.  Ninety eight.

non capisco

Quote from: Shit Good Nose on July 12, 2018, 01:54:59 PM
The Exorcist when the BBFC finally lifted the ban and it got a re-release in...99/2000 was it?
Sadly, the mostly-teen oriented audience found the whole thing...laughable

I saw it for the first time on its re-release in 1999 and did find the last third of the film laughable, when her head starts spinning round and she starts swearing and sicking all green goo. I was absolutely killing myself that this was meant to be a traumatising horror film that had been banned for ages, I'm afraid. However, I did then and do still now find the first two thirds remarkably atmospheric and suffused with dread. It's an odd film, 'The Exorcist'. It's almost inexplicably terrifying for ages, that opening bit set in Iraq is horrifying despite fuck all happening aside from a bloke seeing a statue and shitting his keks. That completely knock-out eerie bit where the priest dreams about his old dear stacking it down the tube entrance. But then when the proper horror bits start it turns completely farcical, Jimmy Krankie hacking up gunge and doing an impression of a talking dog from 'That's Life' saying 'cunt'.  I suppose it didn't help that I'd seen umpteen parodies of the thing before it was legally available.

St_Eddie

The Exorcist is within my top five favourite horror films but I agree that the head spinning and pea soup vomit scenes are a bit daft.  As much as I love the film, I think that it would be more effective, had the make up on Linda Blair been toned down, as to leave the viewer guessing whether it's a genuine case of possession or purely psychological, up until the very last act.

Still, The Exorcist and The Blair Witch Project are the only two films which have the power to truly scare me.  In the case of The Exorcist; the head spinning and vomit do nothing for me but the sequence where Karras has a dream of his Mother descending into a subway, as a metaphor for her descent into Hell, scares the absolute crap out of me.  Chilling in how close it hits to home with our most emotional of fears.

buttgammon

I nearly ended up causing someone's worst cinema experiences earlier. Me and Mrs G went to a 60th anniversary screening of Vertigo. In the middle of the film, there is a rather profound scene where Madeleine and Scotty are walking in a forest, and they come across a felled sequoia. The tree's rings are visible, and are marked with the relative dates of different historical events (signing of the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence and so on). Anyway, at the very outside of the tree, there is a little sign saying 'tree was cut down'. Despite having seen the film four or five times before, I never found this funny before, but the idea of the sign stating the obvious made us both absolutely lose our shit laughing. We were sat there convulsing in silent laughter, desperately trying not to make a sound for at least twenty minutes. A few people may have seen us trying not to laugh but I think we got away with me.

St_Eddie

Quote from: buttgammon on July 14, 2018, 11:51:39 PM
...We were sat there convulsing in silent laughter, desperately trying not to make a sound for at least twenty minutes. A few people may have seen us trying not to laugh but I think we got away with me.

I had much the same response to A Clockwork Orange.  The scene where Alex is talking about "eggy weggs", had me in fits of laughter.  I couldn't stifle said mirth soon enough.

buttgammon

Quote from: St_Eddie on July 15, 2018, 01:54:19 AM
I had much the same response to A Clockwork Orange.  The scene where Alex is talking about "eggy weggs", had me in fits of laughter.  I couldn't stifle said mirth soon enough.

I'd never see A Clockwork Orange in the cinema because I know that would happen to me. It was bad enough watching it at home!

checkoutgirl

Quote from: SteveDave on July 12, 2018, 04:28:23 PM
I'm taking a 16 month old to the cinema on Sunday but it's for a friends 50th birthday

Is there some unwritten rule that says babies must be at the birthday? I'm sorry but I can't think of any reason to bring a baby to the cinema. Like you said it's almost guaranteed to scream and that means people are going to have to listen to a screaming baby while watching the film which is a waste of money. I don't think I've even seen a baby at the cinema.

Shit Good Nose

It's fine to laugh at A Clockwork Orange - for all its controversy, it is basically a comedy.  Intentionally so.

phes

Probably about 2008. Went to see 500 Days of Summer. Already acutely aware that the cinema contained 300 teenage girls and me, a male, middle aged, balding phimosite, and as the lights went down and the certificate screen appeared I fumbled with my new smartphone to turn it off and somehow accidentally set of this Adam and Joe podcast jingle at full belt. And I couldn't work out how to stop it for about ten excruciating seconds of being staired at by about, oh, 300 teenage girls chittering oh.my.goddddddd and ewwwwww like I was a dog that had just ejaculated on their leg

https://youtu.be/_IR4l1FoiIY


St_Eddie

Quote from: Shit Good Nose on July 15, 2018, 01:18:58 PM
It's fine to laugh at A Clockwork Orange - for all its controversy, it is basically a comedy.  Intentionally so.

Yes, but for ten minutes straight, long after the words "eggy weggs" have been uttered?  I didn't want to disturb the other people in the audience by gaffawing for that length of time, lest I be left with eggy wegg on my face.

Icehaven

I and two friends went to see Meet Joe Black for some unfathomable reason and cracked up completely at the bit where Antony Hopkins looks all thoughtful and utters "Dance like a dervish" as if it's the meaning of life. We didn't hoot too much though and I doubt we spoiled anyone's cinema experience more than the film itself did.

SteveDave

Quote from: checkoutgirl on July 15, 2018, 09:38:42 AM
Is there some unwritten rule that says babies must be at the birthday? I'm sorry but I can't think of any reason to bring a baby to the cinema. Like you said it's almost guaranteed to scream and that means people are going to have to listen to a screaming baby while watching the film which is a waste of money. I don't think I've even seen a baby at the cinema.

I was told the boy was welcome and he loved it. I realised that I'd never seen Planet Of The Apes before and laughed mightily at the scene where the three astronauts are completely billy bollocks and two of them kneel down in front of Charlton Heston.

Endicott

Quote from: checkoutgirl on July 15, 2018, 09:38:42 AM
I don't think I've even seen a baby at the cinema.

Me neither, until last night. 9pm showing of Incredibles 2, 9pm chosen to avoid it being massively full of kids, haha I am so naive. Sit down adjacent to centre aisle and notice a baby on the other side of the aisle to me. Incredible! It cried every time Jack-Jack did.

St_Eddie


Icehaven

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but this seems appropriate, Helen Mirren lamenting the death of the cinema experience as people favour Netflix, and (although I haven't read every single one) the vast majority of the several hundred comments are people saying actually it's impossible to enjoy the cinema now due to the selfish cuntery of others.


https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/apr/03/helen-mirren-attacks-netflix-saying-there-is-nothing-like-sitting-in-the-cinema#comment-127681409


imitationleather

Quote from: icehaven on April 03, 2019, 04:59:59 PM
Sorry to resurrect an old thread but this seems appropriate, Helen Mirren lamenting the death of the cinema experience as people favour Netflix, and (although I haven't read every single one) the vast majority of the several hundred comments are people saying actually it's impossible to enjoy the cinema now due to the selfish cuntery of others.


https://www.theguardian.com/film/2019/apr/03/helen-mirren-attacks-netflix-saying-there-is-nothing-like-sitting-in-the-cinema#comment-127681409


One of the top comments there is someone saying that the last time they went to the cinema was to see Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. That film's eighteen years old! They're not allowed to get grumpy about this topic! They've not earned the right!

Apparently, the first time I was taken to the cinema, I was not-quite four, and, when the lights went down, I kept shouting, 'they've put the lights out!  They've put the lights out!'  Mum left with me before someone knocked our lights out.

Bad Ambassador

The obvious solution is - don't go to see shitty films full of twats on a Friday and Saturday night.

I often go on a Friday night to see a big new film, but not shite like Transformers or what have you, and even though its a multiplex people know to behave during the movie. It makes me wonder what kind of hellscape these people are experiencing when they suffer constantly any time they go to the movies.

St_Eddie

Quote from: Bad Ambassador on April 03, 2019, 05:11:13 PM
The obvious solution is - don't go to see shitty films full of twats on a Friday and Saturday night.

That's no guarantee.  The last two films that I saw at the cinema were during a weekday afternoon.  In both cases, there were around 10-12 people in the theatre and in both cases, there were a couple of annoying pricks who ruined the experience.

alan nagsworth

#113
This isn't a cinema experience, but my god, it makes my blood boil every time I think about it, so you're having it.

On Halloween last year I went round my mate's to watch a couple of films. My film choice was the utterly magnificent and bizarre 1977 Japanese horror Hausu. We'd smoked a joint and watched some fucking absolute pish called Two Pigeons which bored the arse off me, but I still sat there and watched the whole bastard thing undistracted because I'm not a fucking bellsprout. We're all sensible people here, I thought. My other two mates are only periodically checking their phones because they've seen it before and are showing it to me. I got this.

Afterwards, however, when we put Hausu on, they just kept on like it! Gawping at their phones literally every ten minutes or so for a couple or five minutes at a time. I'd been banging on about the film when I first arrived, and they sounded really excited, and the parts they actually did watch (in between scrolling sessions) really thrilled them, so for a while I sat in hope that they'd realise how engaging and mental the whole thing is, and commit. But they didn't. And I was stoned so I just didn't have the nerve in someone else's home to tell them how to watch a film. It galled me, and it was painful. They were butchering a film night harder than all the film's guts and gore put together.

Does it get worse? Of course it does. Ten fucking minutes from the end of the film, in the concluding scene after the completely batshit climactic bloodbath, one of their housemates walks in drunk, having just been to a Halloween pub quiz which he didn't even win, stands literally in front of the telly about a foot away from it, and starts talking loudly about his evening. So what happens?

DOES HE AT ANY POINT STOP AND SAY, "OH HEY SORRY, YOU'RE WATCHING A FILM!"?

NO

DO MY MATES TELL HIM TO GIVE IT TEN MINUTES AS THE FILM IS CLEARLY ABOUT TO END?

NO

DO THEY AT THE VERY LEAST SIT UP AND PAUSE THE CUNTING FILM AND WAIT FOR HIM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?

NO

Mate. They sit there, engage with him, converse with him about the quiz, just letting the film play on. And amusingly, almost poetically, the moment the interaction ends and he leaves the room - because obviously that's all he wanted wasn't it to walk into a room and talk at a bunch of people sitting in the dark who at the very least appear to be watching a film the fucking dickhead - the film ends and the credits roll.

Finding myself fatigued by the whole experience, which was unbearable both in the crimes that had been committed and the fact that I did nothing to stop them, I wearily asked with very little feigned enthusiasm, "so, what d'you reckon?"

They just said all the usual stuff someone would say if they were aficionados of weird cinema and had been presented with a clearly good film but just not bothered to watch 60% of it for no reason. They said "haha, absolutely mad! I loved it. Crazy film" and referenced their favourite bits which were invariably the only snippets they had looked up and seen and stuck with for a few minutes. Sigh.

Sad journey home for me that night. Stoned and sad.

St_Eddie

Yeah, that's aggravating beyond belief.  I'd be (silently and internally) fuming too.

Gregory Torso

Quote from: alan nagsworth on April 03, 2019, 09:42:51 PM
Hausu

This is one of my favourites, your friends are dicks.

Edit: what I meant to say was that I like to watch films alone for the same reason I like to listen to music alone or look at a painting on my own, I don't need someone else there to validate or refute what I'm feeling. Yes it's nice to share things with others but if they don't care about something important to you it can make everything shitty.

Bazooka

Getting Even With Dad(1994), not only a tragic waste of Culkin and Danson, but it didn't do enough to take my mind off the fact my Mum was getting a hernia removed.

alan nagsworth

Quote from: Gregory Torso on April 03, 2019, 10:59:42 PM
This is one of my favourites, your friends are dicks.

Edit: what I meant to say was that I like to watch films alone for the same reason I like to listen to music alone or look at a painting on my own, I don't need someone else there to validate or refute what I'm feeling. Yes it's nice to share things with others but if they don't care about something important to you it can make everything shitty.

My issue is that my attention span is absolute arses and yet when I watch a film with other people for some reason I'm just way more into the experience. But it's so bastard difficult to get it right isn't it?

Avril Lavigne

I've had that very same experience more times than you would believe, Alan, which is why I've only personally put film choices up for my friends' film night twice in the last decade.  It's not worth the stress.

Icehaven

#119
That's the thing with stuff like film nights though, we don't get to dictate how everyone else should watch a film so don't really have any right to get upset when they don't watch exactly how we want them to. I don't actually see the point in them tbh, if I'm with people I want to talk to them and do something that actually involves interacting rather than sitting in silence for hours. Exchanging recommendations then discussing them at some point of course, but I don't see the need to actually be in the same room when we watch them, particularly if one of us is going to quietly be going apoplectic if everyone else isn't 100% paying attention to their choice.