MATTER OF FACT WORLD CUP

[Ferris]

MATTER OF FACT WORLD CUP

INT: MOTD Studio

Gazza Linacre: Allen we would expect the blue team to win wouldn't we

Allen Sherwood: Yes if you look at their team I would expect that

...
The opposite to what was expected has happened
...

Gazzy: Well we didn't expect that did we

Alun: I've said for some time they have not been performing well as a team

[Golden E. Pump]

Lineker: "So, as a former footballer, Frank Lampard, would you like to pretend you know what really happened in the first half and speculate wildly what may happen in the second?"

Lampard: "They tried to score a goal and they will try to score a goal."

Lineker: "You really are a vacuous cunt aren't you?"

Lampard: "Yes?"

[DangledTeeth]

Lineker: England played quite well tonight.

Lampard: Yes. The professional level of football they played helped to create chances.

Lineker: Plenty of chances. And those chances were sufficiently created which fortuitously led to an increase in the score.

McCoist: Yas. Ah thenk Anglund pleeyed cautiously, Jimmay. It wuzn't wahreld class foohtball in thae forst half; their dafense wuzza bit poohwur, but that laddie with thae nomber on hez back scored a tarrefic gohwal, as ded thae oother one with the numerical shite on the revorse of his kit. He kecked et with his wee fooht and et went ento the back of thae net.

Lineker: Aren't you meant to be on ITV?!

[finnquark]

Gaz Linacre: Well Rio, you of course played with Ronaldo at Harchester United, so I suppose his seven goals today don't surprise you?

My Man Rio: Listen, what he's doing on the pitch is criminal. It's illegal. It's disgusting. It's filth. He should be rounded up and detained indefinitely at a secure black site, preferably in the middle of the Atlantic. Honestly, I'm not even fucking kidding, he's insane, it's barbaric, make it stop, I can't even...

Gaz Linacre: Yeah, he was great today wasn't he Alun?

Big Allun: Great player Gary

[Ferris]

Alen: sensational

Clive: sensational

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

That it is, football of the world. That it is.

[buttgammon]

Neymar: Oi ref, that's a penalty.

Referee: No it isn't.

Neymar: Ok, fair enough mate.

Play resumes.

[Glebe]

SHEARER: He put that goal away nicely!

SOMEONE ELSE: Yes, well done, Harry the Kanes!

THE END!

[Gregory Torso]

Gary Lineker's tired face: "Foot..."

(slow camera pan down to the floor of the studio where Frank Lampard is lying on his back staring up at the blinding lights with no expression on his face.)

Frank Lampard: "I can't learn new words, Gary, I told you. "

(very slow pan back up to Gary Lineker's tired, sagging face)

Gary Lineker's tired face: "... cup."

[Ferris]

Alun Sherringham (for it is he!): that was a good game, wasn't it?

All: yes

Alen: sensational

[Glebe]

DES LINEMAN: The ball did go in the net.

FRANK LAMPARD: That it did, Jimmy Hill, that it did.

THE END.

[Captain Z]

Chinny Hill: Good game, good game, didn't they do well? So much better than last week's team.

[Glebe]

JEFF GOLDBUMS: That was a lovely finish by the velociraptor.

[Replies From View]

FOOTBALLER 94: I score a goal?

FOOTBALLER 165:  Kick to me first.

FOOTBALLER 94:  *kick*

FOOTBALLER 165:  *gets*  *kick*

FOOTBALLER 76:  *gets*

FOOTBALLERS 33, 142 and 86:  ME ME ME ME, HERE HERE HERE HERE.

FOOTBALLER 76:  *kick*

FOOTBALLER 142:  *gets*  *kicks towards goal*

GOALIE 19:  *stops it*


And I can't remember what happens when the goalie stops it, either he just kicks it back in or they go back to the middle and start again from there.  Also the crowd goes "OOOOOOOHH" the nearer the ball gets to the goal and "GAHD" when the goalie stops it.

[Replies From View]

Sendrick:  So there were some goals scored today weren't there, Bazzer.

Bazzer:  Certainly were, Sendrick.  Essentially the boys out there pushed the ball in their direction and managed to get a few goals.

Sendrick:  How do you think the sunlight helped.

Bazzer:  Well Sendrick I suspect it lit the pitch so the boys could see where they would be running, helped them to get a grasp of where the other team's goal was and things like that.

Sendrick:  And how important were the footballer's legs this time.

Bazzer:  Well Sendrick football is a lot about kicking a ball towards a goal, and in the World Cup that tends to mean the legs are used for this purpose.

Sendrick:  Where do you think some of the footballers went wrong/right.

Bazzer:  Well Sendrick I think some of the footballers maybe weren't up to their total game, and lost a bit of speed and accuracy when running and targeting their aim on their opponent's goal, but then there were many moments where they really upped their game and it was a matter of really doing one of their best ever games - a lot of good running and some of the best ever shooting towards a goal with terrific accuracy.

Sendrick:  Thanks, we can now stop talking Bazzer.

Bazzer:  No worries, Sendrick.

[Ferris]

Salt & Linekar: now then, Ian Footballer, until recently, you used to play a lot of football. Since retiring a few years ago, you don't play as much. With that in mind, what did you think of the football that was just played today?

Ian ex-Footballer: sensational, Clive

[Gregory Torso]

Gary Lineker, drowned out by the screams of the macaques.

[Ferris]

Gary Lineker, CaB drowned out by the screams of the macaques.

[Glebe]

GARY LINEKER: That was a beautiful goal by Pele.

ALAN SHEARER: Come on mate, stay current.

[Ferris]

Ball: *whizzzzzz!*

Net: ouch

Refere: *blows whistle and signals it was a goal*

All: goooal!

[Replies From View]

*FOOTBALLERS ARE STRETCHING ON THE PITCH*

Referee:  PHEEEEP

*FOOTBALLERS GET INTO POSITION*

*FOOTBALLERS DO FOOTBALLING*

*GOAL IS NOT SCORED*

*GOAL IS SCORED*

*END*

[Glebe]

BBC PUNDIT: That's a goal, that is.

ANOTHER BBC PUNDIT: That it is, pundit of the Beeb, that it is.

[Replies From View]

Footballer, with his mouth:  P'tooee!

Referee:  PHEEEEP!  Erm no thank you!  Pick that flob up!

[Kryton]

Commentator 1 - "Bit of running there. Can't beat a bit of running on the pitch there. Especially in the World's cup'.

Commentator 2 - 'Aye. What wee this weather and all. It being summer in the world cup aye?'

Commentator 1 - 'And I still remember my first weather.'

Commentator 2 - 'Aye'

Commentator 1 - 'And... Oof and off it goes''.

Commentator 2 - 'Aye I mean... Aye. Noo it's a throw in.'

Commentator 1 - 'No it isn't.'

[Replies From View]

Footballer:  Ow!  Boo hoo!

Referee:  PHEEEEEP!  No fouls here thank you!  Yellow card for you!

[buttgammon]

Gary Lineker: England scored a number of goals as defined by the official rules of the game.

Alan Shearer: Correct. They most definitely did.

[rue the polywhirl]

Gary Linekins: England will be buzzing over that 600 goal victory over Panama.

Alan Shezza: You are right, Sir Linekins. It is every footballers dream to win at a game of football.

Linekins: And especially by 600 goals to nil.

Shezza: Too right.

Linekins: It's a shame they will be knocked out in the second round once they face some decent opposition.

Shezza: It is. They might as well pack up and go home.

END TRANSMISSION


A FEW HOURS LATER

Kevin Kilbane in an emptied studio: I reckon if England score more goals than the opposition they could win at their next game of football.

Caretaker: Who are you talking to? Senõr Linekins, Shezza and film crew have left and I need to clean studio. Are you trying to film yourself?!

Kilbane: Yes. For Kilbane TV.

Caretaker: But that is not a camera, that is a drawing of a camera that you have drawn in crayon.

Kilbane: SHhhhhhhhh... That red crayon mark on that drawing means filming is in progress.

[Replies From View]

Footballers, all jogging on the spot:  HUP TWO THREE FOUR, HUP TWO THREE FOUR

Referee:  PHEEEEP!  All aboard!

*all the footballers go to their positions*

Referee:  Now - do your goals!

*the footballers do kicking of the ball*

*the ball goes up one end and back the other and it takes forever*

Referee, finally:  PHEEEEEP!  Time for your half-time oranges.

*the footballers jog on the spot and jog to the sides to eat segments of oranges*

*eventually the oranges are eaten*

Referee:  PHEEEEEP!  Time for you to get back to your goaling.

*the footballers do more stuff on the pitch with the ball*

Referee:  PHEEEEP!  THAT'S IT NOW, TIME OVER.

Everyone, waving:  BYE EVERYBODY

[Ferris]

Halftime oranges: i think we're in trouble here lads. Still, only 30 mins in and we're doing ok

[Glebe]

JIMMY GREAVESIE: The ball go in net, goal scored.

JOHN MOTTIE: That's an excellent goal, twelve consecutive games, best run since 1972, not since Pele, 152 caps, 44 thrown-ins, goodnight!