MATTER OF FACT WORLD CUP

[Gregory Torso]

JEFF GOLDBLUM: Gentlemen, welcome to... Jurassic World Cup!

VELOCIRAPTOR: Goal!

[Huxleys Babkins]

CLIVE: Germany are out of this World Cup. Just five minutes left and they've no answer to Sweden. What a way to go out for the best side in the world.

*GOAL*

CLIVE: AND THIS IS WHY ONLY SOME SORT OF MASSIVE CUNT WOULD WRITE THEM OFF!!! GERMANY NOW THE FAVOURITES TO WIN THE WHOLE TOURNAMENT!!!

PUNDIT MCFOOTBALL: Desperately disappointing from Germany. Last time they were out this early the Berlin Wall was still standing.

CLIVE: Wrong cliché script, mate. We've switched to the one printed on pink.

[Replies From View]

FOOTBALLERS:  WE ARE GOING TO GET SUNTANS TEE HEE

[Glebe]

PETER SHILTON: The ball is being kicked up, now... yes, it's definitely heading goal-wards, but still sort of in the midfield. Sort of.

GAZZA: Good commentatin', Peter man. Yes, that ball is definitely in the danger area.

SHILTON: Getting closer, now.

[DangledTeeth]

Lineker: Bassline of Beautiful Day has just finished, old music. Here we are to discuss the footballs

Shearer: Why-aye, mahn. Todee's geyme has been like a rurler curstah, Gary.

Wright: When you look at the replay of the 4-2-2 formation in the top half of the box, the mid-fielders have briefly been paused and each have indicators
placed around their feet. Look at how he misses that opportunity for a through-ball pass. He needs to create more chances for himself and other players.

Not Alan Shearer but Still Alan: Crivens! Thee pliyed a grrrreet geem in thae forst half. I don't rilly keer aboot Ungland wenning or not. But anyweeh... he pahssed thuh bawl inta thae bawx an' kecked et with all hez maight and increased the scoowur by one notch. Goohwlkeepah meyde a fyoo sehves thereby maintaining the scoowur at a respactabol levowl.

[Huxleys Babkins]

CLIVE: Iceland aren't used to this heat.

DIXON: Is that an observation or a metaphor?

CLIVE: Yes.

[Replies From View]

BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL KICK GOAL!!!!!

[Captain Z]

Gareth Lideker: What do you think of the 5x player-of-the-year who hasn't scored a goal yet?

Gary Expro: I think he's been disappointing, he has got to turn up at international level before he can truly become a great


Gareth Lidlecar: What do you think of the 5x player-of-the-year now that he has scored one goal?

Gary Pundit: Oh he's a top, top player Barry. Sensational. Look at that. PLAY IT AGAIN! BURN IT INTO THE RETINA OF MY EYE

[Glebe]

Video Assistant Referee #1: That was never a goal!

Video Assistant Referee #2: Yes it fucking was, mate!

Video Assistant Referee #1: Don't take that tone with me, son!

Video Assistant Referee #2: Get tae fuck, mate!

PETER SELLERS: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the VAR Room!

[Ferris]

^tremendous

[BlodwynPig]

Clive: As the curtain comes down on another World Cup, it's truly been a Russian fairytale for this young England squad. The 12 dancing princesses to be precise. It's finished Russia 4 England 0.

[Huxleys Babkins]

GARY: Say what you like about the Germans...

ALAN: Fucking Krauts.

GARY: No, I mean about their football...

FRANK: No, Alan, you're right. I'm fed up of having to bite my tongue for benefit of the PC brigade. It's about time the indigenous Anglo Saxon white males of this once glorious nation finally stood up for themselves in the face of this cultural invasion.

GARY: Lads, seriously, there's a time and a place for this. So join David Dimbleby tonight at 10:30 for Question Time, live from Hull. Meanwhile, let's head back to St. Petersburg and Jonathan Pearce.

[DangledTeeth]

Gazza the Lineker Not Gascoigne: A thrilling game thus-so-far.

Alan Shearer: I agree, Gary. This furst half has been canny good, like. Thoh pleyahs have been manoeuvering the ball at a steady peeyce, sometimes airborne and thoroughly rapid, projectile sphere an' that. Goals! Yes... two for one team and four for the oova, mahn.

[Replies From View]

Referee:  PHEEP!!  I said no fouls allowed!  That includes physical attacks on each other!  Yellow card!  And if I have to tell you again, it will be a red card, mate!

[Ferris]

JEFF GOLDBLUM: Gentlemen, welcome to... Jurassic World Cup!

VELOCIRAPTOR: Goal!

Jeff Stelling Goal-bum: a flat back-4 will... find a way...

[petril]

Gary Have A Word With Him: Well there's how Ronaldo matches up to a statistic

Alan Creosote: Oh ho ho there's you with a superior score ho ho

Gary, trying to stave off an OFA3C flashback: ho ho.

Paul Half: Well that's the thing with the Spanish, no heart. You can see how they don't bother to sing the anthem before the game. No heart.

Gary: Well then.

Paul Half: Heart.

Gary: Yes. Second Half. Thoughts?

Paul Half: Yes.

Alan: Ho.

CUT TO: standby footage of petrol.

[Replies From View]

Referee:  PHEEEP!  Penalty!!  You on your own - go over there, face towards the goal and do a kick!

[Replies From View]

Footballer:  I SHALL USE THE SHIRT PATTERNS TO DETERMINE WHO IS ON MY SIDE.

[petril]

Gary Goldenboot: Shart?

[Glebe]

FOOTBALL COMMENTING MAN: There is a ball, it has gone in net. I think we can call this a 'goal', lads.

GABBY LOGAN: There is also a 'lass' here, mate.

ANOTHER FOOTBALL MAN: Oh yeah it is the woman's lib so it is. G'night!

[Replies From View]

Referee (poised ready to throw the football in):  Aaaaaaaand.......  do a game of footbaaaall.................  Not yet not yet, get ready..................  do a game of footbaaaaaaaaaall........................................ NOW!

*referee throws the football into the very middle of the pitch*

*the footballers instantly start doing a game of football*

[DangledTeeth]

Lineker: Well... Spain vs Russia - an interesting game of footballs.

Shearer: Russia scored more geurls than Speyn did in the penalties.

Ian: The Russian goalkeeper twice made fortuitous dives thereby making saves. It appeared the Spanish goalkeeper was somewhat terrified of the round thingy due to dramatically leaping away from the aforementioned.

Rio: I am not the World Cup tournament of 2014

[Glebe]

PELE: This is a great game. There must be thousands in the stadium, and all cheering on their favourite team!

LINEKER: But what does it all mean? Life and that.

SHEARER: I do not know Gary, but be thankful we are at liberty to enjoy a lovely game of football.

GEORGIE BEST: I'll drink to that!

[petril]

THE IRISH ONE WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT, sweating to make sure he gets no complaints: I mean we lost on penalties to them.

[The Bumlord]

I think you'll find it's pelanties.

[Huxleys Babkins]

GARY: What do you reckon Alan?

ALAN: Dunno Gary. I've been playing this bastard game on me phone all the way through the half and missed the bastard.

GARY: Ian?

IAN: Ian Wright-Wright-Wright!

GARY: No, you're Ian Rush.

IAN: A modern day warrior, Mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Sawyer, Mean, mean pride...

GARY: Back to you, John.

MOTSON: I've retired!

[Replies From View]

Football fans (chanting in unison):   WEUUUR WEARRA RURRA BOARA YEAH; BEOARA YEAH.  OH AY, BEGORLA-GORLA GAME, FOOTBALL; FOOTBALL!  OHH DALA GOT GO, HE'S A FAT FAT GIT; MORE PIES, MORE PIES.  STAND UP SIT DOWN KEEP MOVING, OI! 

[Glebe]

PETER SHILTON: A goal does go in net.

ACCRINGTON STANLEY: You're not singing, you're not singing, you're not singing now!

[Replies From View]

Football fan:  Hello I would like to order this football kit in size XXXXL, please.

[Glebe]

ALAN SHEARER: That was never a goal, Gary.

GARY LINEKER: It 'twas, Alan. Look again.

ALAN: Oh right. Fair dos.