Jeff's Hat Shop [ITV Soap Opera]

[Goldentony]

COLD OPEN
EXT. shot of 'JEFF'S HAT SHOP' on quaint WIGAN street
fade zoom to INSIDE SHOP
JEFF is behind counter staring at floor
enter BOBBY

BOBBY
Cor hello Jeff! I haven't seen you in ages, how's the hat shop going?

JEFF
Fucking shite you stupid old prick, what sort of cunt opens a hat shop in 2018. Fucked here.

FREEZE FRAME

TITLES - JEFF'S HAT SHOP

[the]

TITLES -

     

[Goldentony]

the mate if we still had karma i'd be giving you the lot

[Dex Sawash]

A thing of beauty

[the]

Don't stop there Tone, we wanna get to the episode where Jeff kicks Bobby's fucking head in

[Sebastian Cobb]

Cat did a 'whoopsie' in hat.

[New Jack]

BOBBY enters the hat shop.

INT. HAT SHOP

crowd goes wild for our protaganists


BOBBY
Do you have a hat for the portly and hirsute fellow getting a bit thin on top?

JEFF
Listen mate stop takin the piss, I know it's a hat shop but I'm fuckin sick of your fuckin hat shit, in here every fuckin day askin about hats and you buy fuck all, so fuck off about hats or I'll shiv you in the ribs with a sharpened knitting needle you hat purchasin cunt, I'll stab out your eyes and fuck the gushin sockets if you hat me one more fuckin time, SHUT UP ABOUT FUCKIN HATS OR YOUR KIDS ARE DEAD

wild laughter, hooting and applause

BOBBY
Ooh, your threats are getting a bit "Old hat!!" Arf! Arf! Come to think of it.... A nice chupulla would do nicely, headgear-wise!

JEFF MURDERS BOBBY, DESECRATES THE BODY (INCLUDING RAPE) AND IS FOUND LATER BY THE POLICE EATING THE CLEAR-PINKISH GOO LEAKING FROM BOBBY'S SMASHED SKULL

Audience laughs as we ZOOM IN on Jeff's blood-spattered, staring face

OFFICER BELLEND:
Now then now then now then. I got some questions to ask you, sonny, some very difficult questions about this here situation in this here hat shop.

JEFF:
(robotically) Like what...

OFFICER BELLEND:
Can you recommend a good karakul?

audience chuckles, particularly one loud fella at the back

JEFF:
Looks like bacon's on the menu tonight, cunt!!

JEFF ROASTS THE CONSTABLE ALIVE WITH SOME PETROL AND A MATCH, WHO WRITHES IN FLAMES IN INDESCRIBABLE PAIN & JEFF HOOTS AND YOWLS AS HE TUGS ON HIS ERECTION, AND WHEN THE SMOULDERING CORPSE FINALLY FALLS, HE DESECRATES IT (INCLUDING RAPE)

Enter SMALL CHILD

SMALL CHILD:
Scuse me mister, I need some elp

JEFF:
ANOTHER SLAVE FOR PARADISE?

SMALL CHILD:
Please mister! Just one question! I just need to ask you one fing!!

JEFF:
I can't control it!! I... I used to be human... fuck's sake..... I kill people, I eat them, I rape them, bigtime

audience laughs riotously

JEFF:
So bearing in mind I am a seriously disturbed serial killer who is also the prioprieter of a hat shop who inexplicably gets murderously angry when I am asked questions about hats... Are you sure you want to ask me something, little boy? VERY sure? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO RISK IT?

SMALL CHILD:
Yeah, I only wanna know...

we ZOOM IN on the child's angelic face

JEFF:
What? WHAT?!?! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING KNOW YOU CU-

SMALL CHILD:
Do you have the time?

We ZOOM IN on Jeff's sooty, bloody, cringing face. He shrugs and throws his hands up into the air a la Comedy Dave from TFI FRIDAY

JEFF:
Hat's certainly not too much to ask!

rapturous audience applause as we fade out

End credits: JEFF MURDERS, DESECRATES, RAPES SELF

[Huxleys Babkins]

EDITH: 'Ere, Jeff have you see our Ken?

JEFF: Can't say I've seen head nor hide of the cunt since last Thursday. What about you, Young David?

YOUNG DAVID: Nah, I've not seen him either. D'you mind if I go make a brew for meself?

JEFF: Ehhh, you youngsters. What about a cuppa for me, you young cunt?

YOUNG DAVID: No worries, Grandad. Two sugars?

JEFF: Aye.

*Young David goes into the back room.*

EDITH: Are you both sure? Gordon Braceley says he saw him come in here not half an hour ago.

JEFF: More fool you for trusting Gordon Braceley, the drunken cunt.

EDITH: I suppose you're right. If you do see our Ken, do let me know as soon as.

JEFF: Will do. Bye now.

*Edith leaves the shop. Young David enters with two mugs of tea.*

JEFF: Are you sure you didn't see Ken? You were minding the shop when Gordon Braceley says he came in here, the cunt.

*Young David removes his flat cap to reveal he's Gordon Braceley.*

GORDON BRACELEY: I'm a what now, Jeff?

JEFF: Bloody hell! What have you done with that little cunt Young David?

GORDON BRACELEY: Same thing I did with Gordon Braceley.

JEFF: What?

*Gordon Braceley removes his trilby to reveal he was Ken all along.*

JEFF: Fuck me!

*End Credits*

[Shit Good Nose]

     

Struggled to breath, there.

[the]

EPISODE #9

Bobby enters

BOBBY: Jeff! ... Jeff? Hello Jeff?

Bobby searches the shop for Jeff, in vain

BOBBY: Hmm.

Bobby exits

Jeff emerges naked from behind the counter. He is crying and has a child's tricorne over his penis.

Scratched into his chest are the words 'DJ SWAMP'

END CREDITS

ANNOUNCER: Well if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in Jeff's Hat Shop, I wouldn't be at all fucking surprised

[buttgammon]

Struggled to breath, there.

Me too - this would've been about a whole day's worth of karma from me under the old system.

[Sgt. Duckie]

If the show is a ratings disaster and gets axed you have my deepest sympathies.

[Gregory Torso]

Interior of JEFF'S HAT SHOP.

JEFF is at the counter. The door opens and SKITTLE walks in. Viewers will note he is called SKITTLE because he is a very bottom-heavy man with his body tapering up to a small, round, bald head.

JEFF: Alright, Skittle?

SKITTLE: Alright, Jeff, mate.

JEFF: How's work at the museum going?

SKITTLE: Oh it's grand, Jeff. They've got us looking at wolf shit in the morning, really old wolf shit, like, through a magnifying glass, and then at midday I go into the store room to eat a bowl of Rice Krispies...

JEFF: Oh, aye?

SKITTLE: Aye. And then in the afternoon it's back to the wolf shit. Looking at it some more. That's me days, look at the wolf shit and then I go into the cupboard to eat breakfast for lunch, and then I look some more...

JEFF: Oh, aye?

SKITTLE: Aye. At the shit... Anyway, Jeff. Thing is, they say I might be in for a promotion. And you know how sensitive I am about me tiny little smooth head.

JEFF: I do know that, Skittle.

SKITTLE: I might be moved up to looking at dust through a round window. I really think it could be good for me. The dust department.

JEFF: So you'll be wanting a hat then, aye?

SKITTLE: I suppose so, very much, yes, Jeff. But looking around now, I see you've not got much in the way of hats here.

JEFF: You're not wrong there, Skittle. My shelves are bare. The hat business is shit. I binned everything last week. I'm selling up and moving to Wakefield to open a cravate shop, which I hope will be a rather more lucrative venture.

SKITTLE: Oh Jeff, this is terrible news. I'll never get the promotion with my ridiculous knobbly head.

JEFF: I do have one hat left, actually, Skittle. But I don't think you'll going to like it.

SKITTLE: Jeff, I'm desperate mate.

(Jeff reaches behind a counter and produces a white baseball cap with the words "CRIMINAL CUNT" embroidered in pink on the front.)

SKITTLE: Eeeh, I don't know, Jeff.

JEFF: Yes or no, you twat.

SKITTLE: Aw, man... I suppose I've no choice. How much?

JEFF: Fifty quid.

SKITTLE: Jesus, that's a week's wages, Jeff man.

(Jeff starts to put the hat away.)

SKITTLE: Aw, aw. Wait... alright. Here's fifty.

(Skittle puts the hat on his head and waddles out.)

JEFF: Fucking hell. Dust department! I'm well out of this. Wakefield here we come!