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Mudcester: Your guide to a weekend in the UK's most up and coming city

Started by Stoneage Dinosaurs, July 05, 2018, 10:43:05 PM

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Stoneage Dinosaurs

With it's towering spires of glass and pebbledash intermingling with an epidemic bubonic plague, Mudcester is a thriving and beautiful sprawl of breathtaking modern innovation and historical allure.

From the second you arrive you can bask in the homespun charm of the inadequitely maintained social housing rectangles flanking the streets, replete with idiosyncratic fires and lush green spaces in the form of large piles of sick.

It is a city of innate quirkiness, populated by gloriously eccentric locals who will bite children and possess abnormal numbers of limbs, and a thriving student population of hair golems who will break into didgeridoo covers of 80s new wave songs in the middle of the city centre with no provocation.

You're never away from an exciting shopping experience in Mudcester city centre, with the newly renovated Treblinka Shopping Centre providing a haven for those with a bit of cash to splash. 10 storeys high, you'll never be free for somewhere to eat, drink or instigate a traumatic and horrible argument in full view of everyone else. With shops such as Primark, Greggs, Greggs 2.0, John Lewis, Lewis CK, Terry's Grenades, Bargain Booze, KFC-U-Like, Children's Rifles, The West Midlands Colostomy Centre, and Sports Direct, no shopaholic will ever leave unsatisfied or in any other form. The centre's 10th floor also boasts 11 pianos all positioned 3 feet away from each other, so feel free to tinkle out 11 different Ed Sheeran songs for 45 minutes at the same time regardless of anyone else's tolerance or homicidal tendencies!

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Stoneage Dinosaurs

Places to visit

Mudcester Ticket Museum: Based in the former Mudcester Cathedral, a breathtaking piece of 17th century architecture with an English baroque design as intricate as it's superlative beauty (as it was before before Sir Lard Clanterbury's original architecture was sanded down to a more "beige box" design to stop tourists photographing it). It now serves as the location of the local Ticket Museum, where for £5 a step you can explore the history of Mudcester's ticketing system, from the 19th century primitive bus tickets carved into water biscuits, to the technological marvels of today's app-based transactions, whereby you can convert a small portion of your soul into a QR code to pay for the local park-and-ride service.

Mudcester sinkhole: Mudcester is also famed for it's local sinkhole, 10 metres wide and an unknown number of metres deep, in the original location of the Frondhill Arboretum. Marvel at the sheer size and mass of this gigantic hole in the ground! If you have the time, why not try one of the guided tours of the caverns, skeleton piles and steak bake remnants lining the base of the hole? These are available for a massively discounted price due to the lack of any insurance or climbing harnesses. And best of all, entry to the sinkhole is completely free! And if you can't make it to the original sinkhole, don't worry, because there are other sinkholes coming to the city incredibly soon, in undisclosed locations, with no warning, in pedestrianised areas!
(WARNING: Please be advised that falling into the sinkhole is not advised, as it is a criminal offence. Anyone caught falling into the sinkhole will face a maximum charge of 50 years in the Trivial Prison, as falling into the sinkhole wastes the time of the local fire department, who are consequently unable to attend to their main priority of starting fires throughout the city. Please be responsible.)

The Pringlehurst Warning Monument: Sir Cobb Pringlehurst's evocative monument of a smallpox-ridden leper shitting coagulated blood out of his four glanses still stands the test of time, and it's convenient location less than 100 metres from both the bus station and the local primary school makes it an unmissable photo opportunity.

Glebe

But top of the list, it's "The Pride of Mudcester", for centered at the top of the sleepy mainstreet, it's none other than our old friend Poundstretcher. With bargains galore, and all at smashing prices, it's not much of a 'stretch' to 'pound' your way along the pavement to this much-loved institution. "I cut the ribbon in 2008, and I have to say, it was the proudest moment of my live. Love that store!" implied Mudchester Mayor Ralph Guvvins, from beneath his kitchen chip pan.

Stoneage Dinosaurs

Getting around

Mudcester is conveniently served by several train stations - Mudcester Central, Crisps Parkway, and Disembodied Screams Interchange. Most national rail services stop at the first station, which is conveniently located 500 metres below the ground (the original rail connection was moved to allow planning permission for the world's largest vape shop). Please be aware that access to the city centre via this station requires the use of a long distance cable car which may be subject to delays of 30 minutes to eternity as a result of subsiding rockfaces.

In addition to the city's soul based transaction based park and ride service, there are 10 bus routes which serve the city centre, all run by the Shippam's Paste Metropolitan Network. Be aware that these buses do not accept cash payments, nor card or app-based ones either. The only accepted form of travel validation is through tokens which can be found in select jars of Shippam's famous beef and chicken effect pastes, available in local supermarkets such as Tescos and other supermarkets.

Disabled access on all public transport is dependent on the individual's tolerance for grovelling in front of high-ranking councillors.

Glebe

MUDFEST '18 LINEUP:

Billy Shins & The Unckaberries
Ungster Gee Plus The Poofs
Rangoon Billy Heads North!
Crumdike Bill

Plus many more, including Nickleback!