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Trying to get my wife to like music

Started by Gregory Torso, July 10, 2018, 10:27:53 AM

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Gregory Torso

I have a wife - my wife, in fact, which is fortunate - and she is Chinese. This is slightly relevant. Our cultural touchstones are few and far between, like great pillars on a sandy and increasingly silent beach. Usually, this is fine, a marriage isn't only about enjoying the same media, but lately I've started to think about how nice it would be to have her appreciate some of the music I like. Or just appreciate some music.

She never listens to music. She's never owned a CD in her life. I bought her an iPod a few years ago and she put ten songs on it and then left it in a drawer until I reclaimed it. Sometimes we go to do karaoke and she always sings the same four or five songs, like Adele or some Chinese pop song from her teenage years. She's heard of the Beatles.

It's all a weirdly, oddly, strangely, odd-couply set-up: I love music, I listen to music at any and all opportunities, even sometimes when she's trying to talk to me. I NEED to listen to music. I'm listening to music right now. I'll be listening to music when I go to bed. And then when I wake up. I'll have music piped into my grave when I'm a skeleton pickled in my own diarrhoea.

It didn't bother me for ages. Couples have different interests. Also, due to a lot of music I love being a bit "difficult" I am used to enjoying bands or singers that people around me, apart from closest friends, don;t like. But then I was thinking the other day, god, wouldn't it be nice to share needles?

ANYWAY. I am thinking of two things, to bring my wife and I closer together, two things I want to introduce her to - music and British comedy. The comedy can come later, takes more investment. A song is bam, it's in the ear and you either want it there or not.

So I'm planning to MAKE HER LISTEN to some songs. Obviously I'm not going to hit her with some 16 Bitch Pile-Up or Gerogerigegege... yet. Just need a starting point. Any suggestions, any genre, I'm not very good with pop music or things like that, so any ideas welcome, and I'll build a playlist.

Her points of reference: she likes one Adele song, one Bruno Mars song, usually thinks bands I like (e.g. Deerhoof, Half Japanese, Thinking Fellers Union, etc) is a load of noisy wank. She once expressed a liking for an REM song. She thinks Will Oldham is a "1980s child molestor".

But there's a whole world, whole galaxies of worlds, of different noises and notes, out there.

Any suggestions for gateway songs into a new world of sound?

I am going out soon to drink rum on a bench and scowl at the river, but when she gets back from work I intend to start this experiment.

Thanks in advance.

Endicott

Osmosis. Just do your thing, listen to your stuff, and if she likes it she'll pick up on it in her own time. I think your 'make her listen' technique will be a fool's errand. All the best!


checkoutgirl

Steven Wonder is pretty good, isn't he? Quality tunes but still quite accessible. You Can Feel It All Over, Superstitious, that kind of thing. If she takes to that the maybe a bit of Curtis Mayfield (Superfly, We Gotta Have Peace) or Bowie (Life on Mars, Fashion). I'd stick to quality artists who have stood the test of time and then amongst those artists pick the most accessible and popular tunes they have.

Avoid Elton John.

Truth be told I think you're on a hiding to nothing. Some people (women) just fundamentally don't understand music. Like some people don't understand dancing, other people know they will never love, it's a skill some people just don't have. You could play them all the best music but it's like a Chinaman listening to a Jewish Rabbi read an Italian phonebook in Swahili. I'd expect a few eye blinks but comprehension? Dear me no.

You will fail and you will then maybe feel a bit further apart from her because you tried.

Rule 1: Never Try.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Endicott on July 10, 2018, 11:29:54 AM
Osmosis. Just do your thing, listen to your stuff, and if she likes it she'll pick up on it in her own time.

It looks like he's been doing that and it hasn't worked. She goes to karaoke so she is exposed to other stuff.

Quote from: Endicott on July 10, 2018, 11:29:54 AM
I think your 'make her listen' technique will be a fool's errand.

I agree with that.

People who aren't into music are hard to turn because they can't be bothered.

People who are into music can be even harder to turn because they don't want to be told what to like, discovering it themselves seems to be an important part of the music process.

Clownbaby

#5
Maybe you could find artists who are vaguely in a similar vein to what she's already kind of expressed an interest in. Adele - other ballady female singers etc. Bruno Mars - other artists he takes obvious i fluence from. And gradually cast the net out wider. It doesn't sound like she's bothered about music full stop though. My mam is kind of the same in that she likes a handful of the late 70s/early 80s stuff from the charts that she grew up with, bit she's completely turned off to other music. I play some of my music and she often likes it, bit she just doesn't listen to any music for herself.

I also knew someone at school who had very Christian, strict parents and she didn't seem to have any knowledge of pop culture full stop, apart from Disney films. I was talking to her about Michael Jackson on the day he died and she had no idea who he was. She genuinely didn't know any music, charts or otherwise. Each to their own and everything but I found it so odd that she hadn't even payed attention to any music that might've been on the radio or that every other kid was talking about.

With the odd few songs she likes, does she seek out other songs by the artists, like buying Adele albums or whatever? If she doesn't really care what other stuff a singer she likes has done then she might just not be interested in music full stop.

Icehaven

She might have been trying to put you off 'encouraging' (cajouling) her to like music by deliberately choosing stuff she knows you probably wouldn't like (anodyne pop). Or she just randomly picked a few artists she'd heard of to cover the fact she simply isn't interested in it, as not everyone is.
A close friend of mine at school, let's call him Graham, because that's his name, just had absolutely no interest in it whatsoever, however as we were all in our mid-teens it was pretty much the most important thing in the world to the rest of us. Just so he had something to play when girls or his friends came round poor Graham got himself a solitary Queen CD, as (he later admitted) it seemed to strike a reasonable balance between pop and rock, and mainstream popularity and being cool (this was about 1994 and they'd had a bit of a resurgence after Freddie's death), which was quite astute for someone with zero interest or knowledge of music whatsoever, so I suspect he took advice. Years later he explained that it wasn't that he actively disliked music or anything, he just didn't really notice or care about wether it was there or not and couldn't get excited or interested in it, total indifference, yet he managed to find himself in a group of friends to whom it was everything and who's lives largely revolved around going to gigs, only going to clubs/pubs with the right music, being in bands etc.

Or maybe your wife has Amusia.

Lemming

Quote from: Gregory Torso on July 10, 2018, 10:27:53 AMShe once expressed a liking for an REM song. She thinks Will Oldham is a "1980s child molestor".

That's your opening. Put on your favourite REM song, and if she expresses even the mildest appreciation of it, slap her in the face with the entire discography from Murmur to Monster.

The other solution is to go to Vintage TV or Kerrang!, set your TV (if you have a fancy TV that records things) to record any programming block that looks interesting, and then watch it together. Best case scenario, something actually good comes on and you can jam to it together, worst case scenario, you spend an hour mocking shit music videos together and bitching about every single band that comes on screen. It's a win-win. Vintage do some good decades-based programs which are just 3 unbroken hours of music videos from the 70s, 80s or 90s, which tend to have a pretty good variety of genres and things.

Crabwalk

Quote from: Gregory Torso on July 10, 2018, 10:27:53 AM
She thinks Will Oldham is a "1980s child molestor".

This really made me laugh, thanks.

Play her some Motown and Madonna's 'Immaculate Collection'. If that doesn't work: give up.

Dr Rock

Try The Best Of The Beatles.

I reckon you're wasting your time. My Spanish Lady Friend is a bit similar - she definitely knows more songs than your wife, and can appreciate a good song and when she does it's something good like Leonard Cohen... but she never listens to music. I made her a massive hard drive with all my best stuff, the stuff she'd like... but I know she hasn't listened to it. Weird innit.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Clownbaby on July 10, 2018, 11:55:26 AM
Maybe you could find artists who are vaguely in a similar vein to what she's already kind of expressed an interest in. Adele - other ballady female singers

What would be the point of that? He wants to share the experience of brilliant music with her, Adele isn't going to be doing any good for anyone.

Clownbaby

Quote from: checkoutgirl on July 10, 2018, 03:01:41 PM
What would be the point of that? He wants to share the experience of brilliant music with her, Adele isn't going to be doing any good for anyone.

Did you even read the rest of my post? I said start off with things in her comfort zone and then cast the net out wider into less straightforward things. Thats how many people's taste evolves anyway. It's not likely that showing someone who isn't massively into music a completely different genre will do my good for anyone either.

BlodwynPig

My wife only likes The Beatles.

You know my thoughts on The Beatles.

I've danced in the Cavern Club to pacify her. (She did have to go and see Ozric Tentacles the night before).

hermitical

Quote from: Gregory Torso on July 10, 2018, 10:27:53 AMusually thinks bands I like (e.g. Deerhoof, Half Japanese, Thinking Fellers Union, etc) is a load of noisy wank.

reminds me of when the good lady and I were first courting and I took her to see Sunburned Hand of the Man at ULU. We sat on the floor as the band were in the middle of a decent freaking jam and she turned to me laughing and said 'what a load of old pony'. Yet she's the on with a music degree - go figure

BlodwynPig

Quote from: hermitical on July 10, 2018, 03:37:59 PM
reminds me of when the good lady and I were first courting and I took her to see Sunburned Hand of the Man at ULU. We sat on the floor as the band were in the middle of a decent freaking jam and she turned to me laughing and said 'what a load of old pony'. Yet she's the on with a music degree - go figure

Wife (not wife at time) at Ozric Tentacles gig - dancing, smiling, seemingly enjoying the entire gig

Me: "So did you like them?"

Her: "Disgusting"

non capisco

Quote from: Lemming on July 10, 2018, 01:46:33 PM
That's your opening. Put on your favourite REM song, and if she expresses even the mildest appreciation of it, slap her in the face with the entire discography from Murmur to Monster. Automatic For The People, after which they split up.

Danger Man

Quote from: checkoutgirl on July 10, 2018, 11:44:12 AM
Chinaman

Racist.

Especially as you didn't feel the need to use yid and spic for the rest of the sentence.

alan nagsworth

How would you feel if your wife tried forcing you to be more Chinese against your best interests? I bet you'd run a fucking mile, you sexist, racist pig.

imitationleather

Quote from: alan nagsworth on July 10, 2018, 10:10:04 PM
How would you feel if your wife tried forcing you to be more Chinese against your best interests? I bet you'd run a fucking mile, you sexist, racist pig.

If he started being really sexist and racist he'd be doing a pretty good job of being more Chinese.

SHOULD I POST THIS OR NOT? OH GO ON THEN.

Bazooka

Quote from: alan nagsworth on July 10, 2018, 10:10:04 PM
How would you feel if your wife tried forcing you to be more Chinese against your best interests? I bet you'd run a fucking mile, you sexist, racist pig.

Doesn't work like that over here. But yeah I concur with the rest, I have found with music conversion, it has a 0.0000111GgGhT55% chance of happening. The amount of times I have tried to but people onto Animal Collective, Xiu Xiu etc, but it's just too much for them, I have accepted that I will be the only individual to enjoy this music who I am likely to converse with in day to day life. Tried with my Chinese girlfriend, she simply said "it's too weird", still play it around her of course but I know it will never click.

Gregory Torso

Well this thread turned out weird. I just don't know about this place. I was just going to light-heartedly introduce some different types of music to my wife and see what she thought about them, see what stuck. Instead I get comments like

Quote from: alan nagsworth on July 10, 2018, 10:10:04 PM
How would you feel if your wife tried forcing you to be more Chinese against your best interests? I bet you'd run a fucking mile, you sexist, racist pig.

which I suppose is meant to be funny, but doesn't really work because it misses the point of what I wrote in the OP so massively that I can't be arsed, sorry. I've lived in China for more than a decade and I do actually feel culturally starved, miss a lot of things about the UK, my disintegrating internet connection is all I have and it would be nice to share some British things, god why am I even bothering.

I'm still drunk from last night actually, that's why.


Gregory Torso

Quote from: Endicott on July 10, 2018, 11:29:54 AM
Osmosis. Just do your thing, listen to your stuff, and if she likes it she'll pick up on it in her own time. I think your 'make her listen' technique will be a fool's errand. All the best!

This is very true, although as others pointed out, I do listen to music around her and she is impermeable. I'm not actually going to FORCE her to listen! I was just playin'.

Gregory Torso

Quote from: checkoutgirl on July 10, 2018, 11:44:12 AM
Steven Wonder is pretty good, isn't he? Quality tunes but still quite accessible. You Can Feel It All Over, Superstitious, that kind of thing. If she takes to that the maybe a bit of Curtis Mayfield (Superfly, We Gotta Have Peace) or Bowie (Life on Mars, Fashion). I'd stick to quality artists who have stood the test of time and then amongst those artists pick the most accessible and popular tunes they have.

Avoid Elton John.


This is good advice, too. Hit her in the soul with the soul. I think I'll wake her up soon with some Betty Davis, that'll right this capsisizing vessel of a relationship.


Twit 2

Your wife sounds awful. I'd kill her.

alan nagsworth

I'm sorry, Torso, mate. I was just being a tit, and I didn't mean to offend you.

My own experiences in the relationships I've had wherein my own tastes in the arts differ from slightly to greatly to that of my partner are such that I've learned to not be all that arsed, on the whole. Music is an art form which really draws out one's truly obsessive tendencies and so to not see it reflected in a loved one can be difficult. That said, I've learned from experience that wanting to force something on someone, especially in a loving relationship, is trying. There's a part of this behaviour which may imply that you aren't already confident enough in the strength of your relationship, which could seem pretty abrasive, seeing as you're married and all.

Obviously all of this depends on several factors, such as how long you've been together/married, how much you've spoken frankly with them beforehand on why they don't particularly take a massive interest in the medium, and whatnot. It's fucking hard to believe, but some people just aren't all that fussed about music. I couldn't give much of a shit about poetry or opera, but if I'd come so far into a relationship where we're bound by marriage and in my own way I'd come to accept my partner's obsession with [insert type of opera here] but never openly said "you know what? maybe it's time I gave this opera lark a proper bash, where should I start?" then I'm not sure how I'd feel if I suddenly twigged that my partner was trying to condition me into appreciating something.

I do of course speak here with some sizeable experience of being a fucking lunatic obsessive and coming to accept that my partner can tolerate me loudly listening to Deerhoof while I cook for us, but will get a bit cold when I say "do you like this tune? you should listen to everything they've done since 2002 because it's pretty much like a hundred songs of pure gold".

It ain't easy, but it gets easier. Mostly these days my tastes are very self-contained, save for when I go to gigs with like-minded friends and we all come out beaming like mad cunts at the end of it. Music is a constant, ever-expanding delight to me, but for some folks, it just ain't.

I'm a bit drunk, so I hope this makes sense as both an apology and a proper analysis of the situation. Night!

alan nagsworth

ew i said "experience" three times in that post, fuck

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Gregory Torso on July 10, 2018, 11:28:45 PM
This is good advice, too. Hit her in the soul with the soul. I think I'll wake her up soon with some Betty Davis, that'll right this capsisizing vessel of a relationship.

If you like Davis, her documentary is doing the rounds at the minute. I intend to see it this week.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Danger Man on July 10, 2018, 10:05:11 PM
Racist.

Especially as you didn't feel the need to use yid and spic for the rest of the sentence.

Chinaman is racist? You are joking I presume?

rue the polywhirl

Buy her some CDs of appropriate music that you and her can enjoy? Enter The Dragon Soundtrack, Damon Albarn - Journey To The West, lots of Lang Lang and stuff by the Shanghai Symphony Orchestra...

Learn a musical instrument together like a Sheng or an Erhu?

Find a different hobby you can share like animals and cooking but sneak in your comedy and music interests as a means to stealthily get her into them. For example, bake a load of Chinese fortune cookies but with famous British comedy quotes or titles of songs she should check out instead of written fortunes.